But I would walk five hundred kilometres
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the geek who walked a thousand kilometres to fall down at your door of the cinema

I know, The Proclaimers did (and still do) a far better job at this song than I ever will. However, that’s alright, because I’m not a songwriter; if that wasn’t already self-evident.

No, what I am is someone who suffers from delusions of grandeur, thinking I can make a difference in this mad world. Hence, I pick myself up and try again with another movie review. As keen readers of this popular website, you would have read my blog post about my preview for Clayface, so obviously, here is the sequel: the review about Clayface. If you missed the preview, you can find it here.

Clayface opened in New Zealand on 22nd October and has earned $91.8 million at the box office (At the time of writing). I saw it on Tuesday the 27th, having secured a ticket. You know how this story goes, as I have told it many times, because it never changes too much.

• I walk into the cinema with my ticket.
• I take out a personal loan to purchase items from the snack bar.
• I walk into the theatre and sit down, without anyone asking to see the ticket.

Like the Mongols, there is an exception this time. Usually, on a Tuesday night, because that’s when I usually go to the cinema, the theatre has anywhere from an average of 10-15 people. However, there was only one person in the theatre: me. Now, I need to set the scene, because I got there late, walked in and found my seat.

After sitting down, I noticed nobody else was there, but thought it was fine, because the film still had another eight minutes to start. That time came and went, and as the adverts started, it struck me that I was going to be alone in the cinema. That had not happened since, I believe, X-Men: Apocalypse.

Added to the fact that I knew that I was going to watch a horror movie, in the dark and completely alone, the trailer for The Exorcist: Martyrs came on. “Fuck, no!” I said to myself. You couldn’t pay me enough to see that film in a cinema. No way. The creeping sensations of fear and anxiety were starting to infect me, and I knew, I knew, that was going to be a film I would have absolutely 100% no desire to ever see.

And of course, I reached that decision, sitting in a dark theatre, alone, waiting for an R16 horror movie to start. The things I do for this account, the things I do. That trailer set the tone for me. Cool.

Since one of my questions was how many people Clayface was going to kill, I was prepared to create a tally chart on my phone. I was uber prepared, just like the Dark Knight, if Bruce Wayne had a fiction addiction. And with that, dear readers, let’s move on to the next stage of this delightful endeavour and go over the rules of the review.

1.) Please be aware there will be spoilers concerning the movie, so proceed with extreme anxiety and caution.

2.) The aim of my reviews are not to rip apart the subject or trash it. If I liked the subject enough to watch it, then I’ll give my honest (possibly biased) opinion.

3.) I’m not a professional critic, so I’m not going to dive into deeper concepts and themes, or the art of filmmaking. I’m just a geek; always have been, and always will be.

The coin has been flipped, hands have been shaken, so it’s time for kick-off! Let the wild rumpus review begin!

To begin, we must always acknowledge the first question: did I like Clayface? I have to admit that I did, which surprised me, mainly because it was an R16 horror movie. I would usually never watch this type of movie.

Things I liked:

I’ll be working in no order other than how I remember them. I thought Tom Rhys Harries’ portrayal of Matt Hagen was excellent, as in, he showed Hagen’s humble beginnings from the Narrows in Gotham to Coast City (Green Lantern, anybody?) He did a fantastic job of showing Hagen’s emotions before the attack, but also after it.

The low-budget aspect can be observed within the movie; however, that wasn’t exactly a negative thing. If we are staying within the DCU, it costs a lot of money to show Kryptonians flying around and smashing things, while on alien planets or pocket dimensions. On the other hand, you can spend a lot less money using real-world sets, without the need for a green screen for every second scene. To me, it gave the impression that the city was real and well-lived in. I felt the low-budget vibe of Gotham was quite strong, especially with rubbish everywhere.

I have recently discovered something: if I’m ever invited to go to a nightclub in Gotham, the answer is no. Hell, no!

And speaking of Gotham, that nightclub scene where Hagen was dancing and the dancers were copying his moves- wow, that was creepy as hell, and I loved it! It’s probably going to be on a list of classic horror scenes like the shower scene from Psycho, or the defibrillator scene from The Thing.

For Hagen’s descent into villainy, it was subtle and quite well done. As the viewer, you can empathise with him after the attack; though he was a douche dag, nobody deserves his punishment. Anyway, as the film develops, so do Hagen’s abilities, and his control of them. His first kill, Frank Fitzpatrick, was an accident; his second, Corey, was murder, yet he didn’t start out to kill him.

From this point, you understand that the body count is going to just start climbing, with Hagen going on a warpath of vengeance. You’re rooting for him to succeed; he is the hero of the piece, as all the people he kills are evil. It’s easy to simplify this, and I’m sorry.

In addition to this, the support you give Hagen fades away after John Borrelli, the police detective, interviews him. From that moment on, you realise that Hagen will cross that line from seeking revenge on his enemies to killing innocent people. And of course, when Hagen does indeed kill Borrelli, his transformation into a full-blown villain is complete, almost like Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader after killing the younglings.

As for the way Hagen killed people, he was very creative and resourceful. This, of course, leans heavily into the horror genre, which, for sheer conscience, is one of the great tropes used in these movies: jump scares. The scene where Caitlyn Corr is monitoring Hagen while he was asleep, actually made me jump when he rolled over, and he has transformed into Fitzpatrick. That was quick and effective.

Clayface also achieved a rare event in making a scene unwatchable for me. I do need to point out that it wasn’t because it was terrible. The scene where Hagen is experimenting with his newly discovered powers by cutting his face, just to watch the blood travel back into his body and heal itself, was too much for me.

Remember that I’m not a horror fan, so watching an R16 movie alone, in the dark, observing a character cut up his own face just to see what would happen, was too much for me, as I had to look away. That was horrifying and gorgeous at the same time.

Things I disliked:

Actually, there wasn’t a lot.

I feel Dredd and Clayface have a lot in common, mainly because they both had small budgets, and they had an R rating. That in itself is not a terrible thing because of the content. But many people who are under 16 years old and fans of Batman, DC Comics, superheroes, or comic book adaptations would be unable to watch the film. That would ultimately be reducing the box office returns.

It was interesting that nobody seemed to know anything about Corr’s research, though her treatments did work. Why was she not well known in the medical community?

As for Clayface’s final reveal, it was interesting to see that his face was asymmetrical. True, his face looked grotesque, and I think that was the point, but I’ve seen too many animated and comic book versions of Clayface’s symmetrical face to like something else.

So, what about my preview questions?

• Which world is Clayface set in: Robert Pattinson’s The Batman or David Corenswet’s Superman? The film didn’t give too much away, but DC Studios explained that Clayface was set in the DCU, which is part of David Corenswet’s Superman‘s world.
• Since Clayface is set in Gotham, will it be before or during Batman being active? That was harder to judge, so the jury is out on that one; though if I were a betting man, I would say Batman was active.
• Will any famous Gotham citizens make a cameo? If there were, I totally missed them.
• Will there be any references to former or ex-Clayface characters? There were a few. Firstly, the studio lot that Hagen entered was called Imperial Pictures. This was the same name as the studio that Hagen worked out of in the Batman: The Animated Series “Feat of Clay.” Secondly, Hagen watched a broadcast detailing the nominees for an award event. The funny thing is that two of the movies, No Man’s Land and One Bad Day, are references to Batman storylines.
• How many people will Clayface kill? I counted 10 people that he killed.
• What will be the most horrific death? To be honest, take your pick. Each one was different and brutal.
• Will the plot make any sense? It actually did, but I have already covered this.
• Will Hagen be a hero, villain, or anti-hero? He started as a jerk, then victim, then anti-hero, and finally (de)evolved into a villain.
• Will there be a Batman reference? Again, to the best of my knowledge, it would be a no, as a direct reference.
• What will, if any, the fight scenes look like? There weren’t that many fight scenes, but they were effective and brutal.
• How much will the movie lean into body horror vs thriller? I’m not an expert on body horror, but Clayface seemed like a mixture of The Fly and The Substance, which is not a bad thing.
• How will Hagen be transformed? After the knife attack and multiple surgeries, Hagen turned to Corr for treatment, which involves experimental nanobots. The nanobots redesign Hagen, which allows him to develop different abilities, and after he is tasered and the kill switch is activated, Hagen transforms into a roaring clay monster.
• Will the reduced amount of budget be obvious in the movie? It was obvious, but I believe it works in its favour.
• Will Hagen’s downfall be tragic, believable or stupid? Hagen’s downfall is completely tragic because it could have been avoided.

I had the impression that a huge number of people had written Clayface off, and didn’t expect much from it. True, it may not make $200 million, but the film does the precise job it needed to do. For a horror movie, this old geek could handle it.

But anyway, what do I know? Go out and see the movie for yourself, so you can be the judge. And that brings another exciting episode of New Zealand’s 5th least favourite website to a close. Thanks again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please remember to walk your dog, read a banned book, follow the aftermath of the NZ general election, and I’ll see you next week.