Well here it is, the final part in the trilogy that nobody asked for! If you would like to read Part One or Part Two, please take a moment from my ramblings and look them up. We’re in the home stretch now, so let’s do it!

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Much Ado About Nothing

Act III, Scene III: Don Pedro, Claudio, and Don John, witness Hero’s “unfaithfulness“

Now I know what you’re thinking, you actually don’t get to see this; it’s only explained as some event that has happened off stage, by Borachio, a follower of Don John. The night before his wedding to Hero, Claudio is told by Don John, that his fiancée can be seen in the arms of another man, in her bedroom.

Because of this, Don John invited Claudio and Don Pedro to view the scandal later that night. However, what Claudio and Don Pedro are unaware of, is that the woman that they witness in Hero’s room, is actually Hero’s chambermaid, Margaret; while the man is actually Borachio.

The whole thing is a set up, in order for Claudio and Hero’s wedding to be ruined, by Don John’s scheming. Claudio and Don Pedro believe that the woman in the window, is actually Hero, which leads to Claudio to humiliate Hero on their wedding day, by casting her aside.

It all works out in the end, but imagine if Claudio and Don Pedro; through the help of Dogberry, the constable in charge of the night watch, could review CCTV footage. They could see the people in the room more clearly, but also record the different people that entered and left the building, as well as tracking down Hero, to establish her alibi.

By reviewing CCTV footage and discovering the truth early on, a lot of tears and drama could have be saved. Although Benedick and Beatrice would still provide entertainment for the masses.

Richard III

Act IV, Scene IV: Richard III learns of Henry Tudor’s invasion

The year is 1485, and the Earl of Richmond, Henry Tudor, is crossing the English Channel with an army, to wrestle the crown from Richard III. Richard learns of Henry’s invasion and prepares to face him with the royal army. Sadly for Richard, the campaign does not go well for him.

On the 22nd August 1485, the Yorks and Lancasters meet for the final battle of the War of the Roses, at Bosworth Field. Spoilers, but Richard lost the battle, the crown and his head. Henry Tudor became Henry VII, King of England and Lord of Ireland.

Richard could have avoided his fate by implementing more taxes at the border, more strip searches, more forms to fill out, and cancelled a lot of passports and visas. By creating a bureaucratic nightmare at the border, Henry’s army would be held back for days, in order for all of his troops to be processed.

By doing this, it gives Richard more time to plan and save his kingdom. Yes I know he’s the villain of the play, but by adding some Brexit issues at the border, Richard remains king. Maybe.

Othello

Act I, Scene III: Iago thinks Othello has slept with his wife, Emilia, and vows revenge

This is a simple one. Iago, is a ensign in service to the Venetian military, and under the command of Othello. Iago is jealous of Othello for many stupid reasons, but the main one is that he believes that Othello has slept with his wife, Emilia; which is not true. Because of this, Iago vows revenge and slowly starts to form a plan.

Through his paranoid and jealously, Iago basically ruins everyone’s lives. But what if Othello knew about Iago’s mental health issues? What if Othello, using his authority as a general, could get Iago the professional help he needed?

Maybe this could be in the form of some therapy sessions, or a second honeymoon with his wife, or a promotion and relocation for him? Whatever the case, by Othello being aware of Iago’s mental health issues and trying to help him, it may not only save Iago, but everybody else as well.

There’s that or just get Desdemona to use tissues instead of a handkerchief. Either way, everybody lives!

As You Like It

Act I, Scene II: Orlando wrestles Charles in front of Duke Frederick’s court

I don’t really know where to start with this one, because there are a few plot lines already revealed to the audience, before the wrestling scene occurs. Orlando is the youngest son of the late Sir Rowland de Boys, and he’s been mistreated by Oliver, his older brother.

Oliver is the heir to their father’s estate, and is being a right jerk to Orlando, concerning money and education. Because of this, Orlando is planning on earning some extra money, by going up against Charles, the court wrestler. Oliver learns of this match and schemes with Charles, to defeat Orlando.

During the wrestling match, Orlando defeats Charles and earns some cash; but he is soon told to leave after Duke Frederick learns his identity. This is because Frederick and Rowland were enemies.

Rosalind, Duke Senior’s daughter, is watching the match and meets Orlando, to which they both discover, that they like each other. Later on Rosalind and her cousin, Celia, are exiled from the court.

Now some other crazy stuff happens later on, but I can’t stop thinking about what would happen, if Orlando used some professional wrestling moves on Charles, like the Hurricanrana, Flying Elbow, Jackhammmer, Jackknife Powerbomb, or the Figure-four leglock.

By doing these crazy moves in later matches, Orlando would become a celebrity, thus earning respect from Oliver, honour from Duke Frederick, money from his fans, and finally, having the confidence to talk to fair Rosalind properly, and eventually marry her. Everybody wins. Well maybe not Duke Senior, but we could work on that.

As for Jaques, he would be disappointed if he had a happy ending.

King Lear

Act I, Scene I: King Lear reveals his plan to his three daughters

So let’s set the scene shall we? Lear is the King of Britain, but he is elderly and tired, so he wishes to retire from the monarchy. Because of this, he comes up with one of the worst ideas in all of literature; Lear decides to divide the kingdom among his three daughters, and declares he will offer the largest share to the one who loves him most.

Two of his daughters, Goneril and Regan, flatter their father with large empty statements, but Lear is impressed by their words. Cordelia is the youngest daughter to speak, though she is silent. She later explains that she loves Lear exactly as much as a daughter should love her father, no more and no less.

Lear throws a fit about this and exiles Cordelia, and the kingdom is divided up between Goneril and Regan. And because this play is a tragedy, nothing from here on in works out.

So to avoid this story turning into a tale of woe, Lear could have consulted his close friends, the Earl of Gloucester and the Earl of Kent. They both would have advised Lear to select Cordelia, because she is obviously the humblest of the three daughters.

However there is a second way to avoid disaster. King Lear could have kept the original idea of proving which daughter loves him the most, but instead of the daughters proving it with their words, Lear could look at their social media accounts.

Now not every adult on the planet had a social media account, or at least, uses it on a daily basis. The case could be made though, that the daughters of the king, would in fact have social media accounts.

Lear would discover lots of anti-father rants on Goneril and Regan’s social media accounts, along with photos of their lavish lifestyles, because, you know, they would be social influencers.

Cordelia’s social media account would be about promoting charities, or trying to bring about social justice reforms. Even though the account would not be covered in declarations of love for his father, there would not be a single social media post of hate, aimed at her father. Lear would then realise Cordelia would be the ideal monarch, rather than his two other daughters, and their greedy husbands. Case closed.

Macbeth

Act I, Scene III: Macbeth and Banquo meet the Three Witches

A drum, a drum! Macbeth doth come. For me, the entire outcome of the play can be changed with this one scene. Macbeth and Banquo are returning from a battle, when they meet the Three Witches. The witches start talking about Macbeth’s future, in particular becoming the Thane of Cawdor, and King of Scotland.

It’s from here, that the witches’ words, added later on with Lady Macbeth’s advice, and Macbeth’s own inner most thoughts, that sets Macbeth on a path that only brings death, carnage and ruin to Scotland.

But it didn’t have to be that way. When Macbeth and Banquo first meet the witches; and considering they’re generals, they could have ordered the witches to produce their COVID-19 passes or their face mask exemption cards.

Upon the witches producing nothing, Macbeth could have ordered the witches off the land, or commanded some soldiers to escort them away. They could return after producing their vaccine passports, or wearing face masks; but we all know they would never do that.

Even if Macbeth had held dreams of taking the throne from King Duncan, by not hearing the witches’ prophecies, would have saved a lot of lives and heart ache for Macbeth, and especially for Macduff.

And with that, I’m done. This has been fun, but it’s time to eat my chips, and watch Superman & Lois. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week.

BTW, Glory to Ukraine.

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Welcome to Part Two of my Contemporary Shakespeare Endings. If you haven’t already read Part One, please take a moment and look it up. I can’t promise you’ll like it, but at least it will make some sort of sense.

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The Tempest

Act II, Scene I: Antonio and Alonso are washed up on the island

Antonio, the Duke of Milan, and Alonso, the King of Naples, along with some others, were travelling on a ship. The problem is that the ship is engulfed in a tempest, that was caused by Prospero, a self taught wizard, and Antonio’s brother. As the play goes on, a large collection of people are washed up on Prospero’s island, but nobody knows that. They are stumbling about trying to figure out where they are.

So instead of this, let’s remember that the King of Naples and the Duke Of Milan, are among them, and they would both have a GPS tracking device on them. Seriously, a king and duke have gone missing! Why would their security crew, not have the means to locate the king and duke, anywhere on the planet?

A GPS tracking device would allow their security crews to identify the locations of their missing employers, thus finding them would become a lot faster. This could mean that an engagement, and other minor things like justice and forgiveness, may never occur later on in the play; because, “Hell is empty and all the devils are here.”

Antony and Cleopatra

Act II, Scene II: Antony agrees to marry Octavia/Act III, Scene X: Antony leaves the Battle of Actium

To me, this whole play is built around the fact that Mark Antony falls in love with Cleopatra, and sails off with her to Egypt, leaving his wife, Fulvia, behind in Rome. As the years go by, Antony could has easily divorced Fulvia, and married Cleopatra, in a modern setting. However, Antony has two more chances to save his fate.

The first chance for survival was after Fulvia has died. Antony agrees to marry Octavius Caesar’s sister, Octavia, so to cement a new bond between the two men, because things are not going well for them. Now instead of marrying Octavia, Antony could have put his money where his mouth is, and refused the proposal, and married his de facto wife, Cleopatra.

Granted there would have been no guarantee that the marriage would have worked, but at least Antony could have proven to Cleopatra, that she was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. It’s a no-brainer, Mark. Seriously.

The second chance of survival was at the Battle of Actium. Antony is fighting Octavius’ navy near Actium, in the Ionian Sea. Antony and Cleopatra had an alliance, but Cleopatra’s fleet turns and retreats, which means Antony follows, which in turn means the battle is lost.

If Antony had a radio system on his flagship, he could have easily been talking to Cleopatra during the entire battle. This way, both Antony and Cleopatra would have been in constant communication with each other, thus hopefully preventing Cleopatra from leaving and saving themselves; because we all know, there were actually Romeo and Juliet 2.0.

Hamlet

Before the play starts: The death of Hamlet’s father, King Hamlet

Now I have about thought Hamlet for awhile, and the best thing that I could think of, for the course of the play to be changed, doesn’t happen during the play. When we are first introduced to the rotting state of Denmark, we meet the various characters, but we also learn of a death.

Before the curtain was raised, Hamlet, King of Denmark had died. His widow, Gertrude, then marries Claudius, brother to King Hamlet. Claudius is now King Claudius, however the Crown Prince Hamlet, is not happy about his father being dead, and his mother marrying his father’s brother. It sounds like a storyline from a soap opera.

Anyway, the whole saga is extremely stressful for Hamlet, which is slowly going to turn his mind mad, like a bag of bees. Because of this, things go from awkward to apocalyptic.

The point here is this: Before Hamlet’s father’s ghost pops in for a cameo, Hamlet should have pressed for an autopsy or an investigation into his father’s death; or better, bring in some type of Danish CSI team. They would solve the King’s death in 40-45 minutes, then EVERYBODY could survive, and Claudius would become prison currency. With professionals investigating the King’s death, Hamlet’s life and mental health would still be intact.

The Taming of the Shrew

Act I, Scene I: Baptista explains his position on his daughters marrying

The problem and solution to this play, begins in the first scene of the first act. Baptista Minola has two daughters; Katherina and Bianca. Bianca has two suitors, in the forms of Hortensio and Gremio, but they are both clearly not husband material for her.

Baptista basically states that since Katherina is the elder daughter, she must marry before Bianca does. So before anybody can be a serious suitor for Bianca or marry her, Katherina must be married first.

I need to point out there is a huge amount of sexism in this play, however for the late 16th century, this was very common. What I would change, would not be a character using a some modern piece of technology, but more of a shift in ideology.

Someone; whether it’s Bianca, Hortensio, Gremio, Tranio, Lucentio, Petruchio, or even Katherina, needs to talk to Baptista about his views. Bianca should be free to marry whomever she wishes, when she is ready, and the same for Katherina. If and when Katherina is ready to date, she could join Tinder, or some other dating site/app. Let it be her choice, rather than other people making decisions for her and about her.

Henry V

Act III, Scene VII: The French camp, near Agincourt

King Henry V of England, has invaded France for various and complicated reasons, with his army of about 6,000 soldiers, camped near Agincourt. The French were camped on the other side, with the Dauphin, the Duke of Orléans, Lord Rambures, and the Constable of France, among others. From here, they are discussing the upcoming battle, where they believe they will kick the English army’s arse.

Heavy rain has made the ground extremely muddy, so walking in full plate armour, and deploying cavalry, would become very difficult. Now, if the French commanders had weather reports via satellite imagery, they would know about the rain before hand, and the likely result it would have on the terrain.

Because of this knowledge, the French would know what a disadvantage they would be in if they fought, so they could choose to fall back, until they could find the ideal region to confront Henry’s smaller army and crush him.

This of course did not happen, because the French army fought the English at Agincourt, where they lost. Very badly. Henry then pushes on and claims the French crown, all because the French did not have modern weather reports via satellite imagery.

Twelfth Night

Act I, Scene II: Viola is shipwrecked and is helped by a captain

Sebastian and Viola are twins, and even though they are brother and sister, they do look alike. They were travelling on a ship, when it hit a reef and sank. Viola is washed up on the coast of Illyria, having no knowledge on what happened to her brother. It sounds like it had something to do with Prospero, but he was too busy being angry at Caliban.

She meets a captain, and after discussing her ordeal, he reveals that he saw Sebastian tied to a big mast floating in the sea. Viola is hopeful because of this positive news, so she decides to become a servant of Orsino, Duke of Illyria, and disguise herself as a man, in order to protect herself.

Now imagine this was you. Your twin sibling may or may not survived a shipwreck, and you’re now in another country, with no mobile phone. What do you do? Go and join the local ruler’s court? No, you find someone that has access to the internet, and send an email to your sibling.

If you have lost your phone while at sea, they probably did as well; so calling them is off the table. However sending them an email is the best option, because it allows your sibling to know you are alive and what your plans are. That way, if and when your sibling reaches land, they can access their email account and they can start to track you down.

Or you could pretend to be a man; fall in love with your employer; go and woo your employer’s crush on their behalf, just so they can fall in love with you, which will create even more shenanigans. The choice is yours.

Anyway, that’s another six plays down and six more to go. Thank you once again for reading my nonsense, and I’ll see you next week for Part Three.

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I want to talk about Shakespeare, William Shakespeare to be precise. Why? Seriously, why would you not want to talk about the Bard? For over 400 years, the literary works of William Shakespeare has enthralled audiences across the world; whether it’s theatre, film, literature, or maybe just people trying to understand what the hell they just read or saw.

I recently saw a local production of As You Like It, so it got me thinking about some more of Shakespeare’s plays; where if it was possible, for any of them to be changed, for better or worse.

This of course means looking at the comedies and tragedies, and figuring out this: if one element of the story was changed, like a character does one thing different; could the outcome of the play be different?

Before we push on with this, let’s address the Elizabethan elephant in the room. I am not an expert on Shakespeare, because I am not smart enough for that insanity. I generally understand only 60%, at any given time, while experiencing a Shakespearian play.

However I’ve had some time to mull this over, while I’ve been eating pizza and watching Peacemaker. Damn that show’s good! Anyway, I took my original idea and took it one step further. What if a Shakespearian play was set in 2022, and if you could change part of the story, would the outcome of the play be any different?

Now because UMC1 and UMC2 have joined a zealous cult, which believe that sleep is only for the weak, I have only looked at four plays this week (Part One), while next week (Part Two) I’ll attempt to look at six plays, with Part Three involving six more.

And yes, I do realise Shakespeare wrote more than 16 plays, but I’m too tired to do all of them; though hopefully, I’ll mention your favourite one. Maybe.

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Julius Caesar

Act III, Scene I: Caesar arrives at the Senate

So Caesar arrives at the Senate on the Ides of March, having reversed his decision of not going. He’s a bit worried and stressed that he may die that day, but he’s convinced by Decius to actually go.

Regardless if Caesar was walking around with bodyguards or not, imagine if he was wearing Kevlar body armour? I mean, the man does suspect his life could be in danger, so wearing Kevlar body armour would be a good start in protecting himself. Also being a soldier, Caesar would be trained in various forms of martial arts, so hand-to-hand combat would be like breathing to him.

So the senators surround Caesar and try to assassin him with knives. Yes, he would still be injured from the stabbing, but he would still be alive; provided he wasn’t stabbed in the head. With his martial arts training, along with the Kelvar body armour, Caesar would kick their arse.

After the failed assassination, the conspirators would be rounded up for execution. As they were being executed one by one, Brutus would be left last, just so Caesar could turn the infamous question, into a statement and say to him, “Et tu Brute.” You too, Brutus; because you know, Caesar wasn’t hardcore enough.

Romeo and Juliet

Act IV, Scene I: Friar Laurence explains his plan to Juliet

So Friar Laurence has just met Paris and Juliet, to hear of their upcoming wedding. Paris leaves, then Juliet explains she would rather be dead, than marry Paris. Friar Laurence responds by taking out the vital, and telling Juliet to drink the liquid, where she’ll fall into a death like sleep.

Her family will think she’s dead, and after she has been laid to rest for a certain amount of time, Juliet will awaken, with Romeo waiting with her, so they can leave together. Friar Laurence then adds, that he’ll let Romeo know of the plan, by sending him a letter, via a messenger.

Ok…so instead of sending a messenger with a letter to Mantua, he really could have just sent a text message. Provided Romeo had a signal, he would have received the text, understood the plan, travelled to Verona, waited for Juliet to awaken, then live happily ever after together. Seriously, a simple text message could have saved them. But that didn’t happen, did it?

The Merchant of Venice

Act I, Scene 3: Shylock and Antonio agree on the bond

So Bassanio needs 3,000 ducats, to woo the fair, Portia. This is because he wasted his estate, so he turns to his friend, Antonio, the merchant, for help. Antonio’s wealth is invested in his trading ships, so he suggests to Bassanio to find a moneylender and secure the loan, and Antonio will act as the loan’s guarantor.

Shylock, the moneylender, agrees to the loan of 3,000 ducats, to be paid in three months, from when the bond is signed. However, the bond will state, that if the loan is not repaid by the agreed date, Shylock can remove a pound of Antonio’s flesh, from any part of his body, that Shylock wishes.

This is because of some past events between Shylock and Antonio, that has left anger and resentment with the two men. Antonio wants to be a kind and loyal friend to Bassanio, so he agrees to the bond.

But instead of Shylock and Antonio signing a brutal and horrifying document, that involves flesh cutting, they could have set up direct debt payments. Set over a few extra months, Shylock would have been receiving regular payments; whether it’s weekly, fortnightly or monthly.

Shylock gets his money back, with a very small interest rate; which enables his reputation to grow within Venice, thus supplying him with more business. If the famous Antonio, conducted a fair loan repayment system with Shylock, then Shylock could be trusted within the wider Christian community.

Using a direct debt system, means Shylock, Antonio, Bassanio, Portia, Jessica, Lozerno, Gratiano, and Nerissa, all end up as winners, without taking the issue to court and becoming the most talked about case in Italy; apart from a street fight that left two people dead in Verona.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Act 2, Scene 1 : Oberon and Titania argue/Oberon and Puck hatch a plan

This play is special, because in the same scene, featuring the same character, two different situations arise, that modern technology could have solved both problems. The first one is when Oberon, King of the Fairies, is having an argument with his wife, Titania, Queen of the Fairies.

They are fighting over Titania’s ward, whom is a human changeling. Oberon wants her to give the boy to him, but Titania severely refuses. They are both becoming irate with each other, with some very quick burns.

The solution to this martial strife, is to advertise on an employment website. Granted it may take some time to find the perfect candidate for the position of Oberon’s ward; but fairies are immortal, so the length of time to find said candidate, would be done in a blink of an eye, relative to Oberon. Both King and Queen end up with a ward, so both monarchs are happy.

The second situation is when Oberon witnesses Demetrius being a jerk to Helena. He decides that the love flower-juice idea, that he has planned for his wife, should also be used on Demetrius.

When Puck comes back with the flower, Oberon describes what Demetrius looks like, and explains that the love flower-juice that Puck is going to give to Titania, should also be given to Demetrius.

Now if Oberon had any type of modern mobile phone, he could have taken a photo of Demetrius, then either sent the photo via a text to Puck; if he had a phone of course, or either just shown Puck the photo when he arrived back. Either way, Puck now knows exactly what Demetrius looks like, so he could NEVER confuse Demetrius for Lysander, saving everybody a lot of grief.

Ok, that’s it for this week. Next week, I’ll bring you Part Two, where six new Shakespearian plays, will be dragged into the 21st century. Thanks yet again for reading and stay safe.

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