Welcome back! I’m glad I didn’t scare you off from last week’s 2023 Rugby World Cup introduction blog, though it wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t that good, either.

In keeping with celebrating the Rugby World Cup that starts next month, I’m dedicating some blogs to discuss the tournament, purely because I love rugby.

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After my intimidating intellectual introduction to the 2023 Rugby World Cup last week, this blog will focus on some of the most important pool games. To refresh our wonderful memories on the matter, the draw looks like this:

Pool A: New Zealand, France, Italy, Uruguay, and Namibia.

Pool B: South Africa (defending world champions), Ireland, Scotland, Tonga, and Romania.

Pool C: Wales, Australia, Fiji, Georgia, and Portugal.

Pool D: England, Japan, Argentina, Samoa, and Chile.

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Before I discuss some of these pool games, let’s establish two key things:

1.) Every single pool game is important and deserves your attention, regardless of the two teams smashing each other.

2.) A lot of people like myself, will be following and supporting their team throughout the pool games. I’ll be watching the four New Zealand pool games live, even at stupid o’clock.

Having said those two things, because of my decades of one-eyed bias, I believe that eight pool games will dictate and impact the quarter-finals. To put it another way, these are the key games throughout the four pools. I’m not listing by importance, but the order in which they’ll be played. Also since the games will be played in France, the kick-off times are at local time.

1st Key Game: Pool A

New Zealand vs France (opening game): 8th September at 9.15 pm

The opening game will feature The All Blacks vs. Les Bleus and it will be dangerous. The All Blacks have been performing very well this year, though Saturday’s game against South Africa is something I’m still trying to process, to be honest. On the other boot, I think France is the second-best team on the planet, currently. The last time these two teams played, France won 40-25.

By hosting the World Cup, the French are going to be playing in front of their fans, so they’ll be extremely difficult to beat. They are such an excellent side, especially with their captain, Antoine Dupont, arguably the best player in the world.

In all honesty, the winner of this game will win Pool A, with the loser being the runner-up. The problem here is that whether it’s France/New Zealand or New Zealand/France, they will be facing the winner and runner-up of Pool B in the quarter-finals. That is a mind-numbing prospect. Do I know who is going to win this game? No, but there’s no way I’m missing it.

2nd Key Game: Pool D

England vs Argentina: 9th September at 9.00 pm

At this Rugby World Cup, there are two pools of death: Pool B and Pool D, with both pools having three possible contenders each.

The last time England played Argentina, it was the South American team that won 30-29. In my humble opinion, Argentina has made huge gains over the last 15 years. They can wear down and defeat anybody in the world, but they do struggle with an 80-minute performance.

England’s had some mixed results over the last two years. Adding in the factors of a new coach, a string of defeats, and some key suspensions leading into the World Cup, this clash will be highly important, considering the other team they will need to contend with.

3rd Key Game: Pool B

South Africa vs Scotland: 10th September at 5.45 pm

This is the first key game from Pool B. South Africa, the three-time and current world champions, are up against Scotland the Brave. The last time Scotland defeated South Africa was in 2010 at Murrayfield; this was before the MCU had taken over the world.

Scotland has won six games this year, so they have been progressing quite well; however their magical fullback, Stuart Hogg retired earlier in the year to the shock of many, including myself. In saying that, Scotland still has game-winning players like Finn Russell and Duhan van der Merwe.

South Africa has been doing what South African teams are famous are: producing monsters that dominate and grind teams into submission. These two teams have not played against each other for two years, so both teams will be fielding their top sides to deal with the carnage.

4th Key Game: Pool D

England vs Japan: 17th September at 9.00 pm

Regardless of what happens between England and Argentina, if England wants to progress to the quarter-finals, they will need to go through Japan. Maybe 10-15 years ago, nobody would have rated Japan at a Rugby World Cup. They’re easily the best team in Asia, but they were always a Tier 2 nation at best.

Over time, they have beaten teams like Canada, Tonga, the United States, Samoa, Fiji, Georgia, Argentina, and Romania. Then Japan rolled Wales in 2013, and Italy in 2014; however they had never won a Rugby World Cup game. That changed at the 2015 Rugby World Cup, when they defeated South Africa 34-32, to achieve their first-ever win at the tournament.

Since then, Japan has drawn against France and defeated both Ireland and Scotland at the 2019 Rugby World Cup in front of home fans. The last two years have been difficult for them, but the self-belief is there for the Brave Blossoms, so England vs. Japan will be very interesting.

5th Key Game: Pool B

South Africa vs Ireland: 23rd September at 9.00 pm

The current world champions playing the world’s number-one-ranked team in a pool match seems insane, but it’s true. Over the last 10 years, Ireland has slowly become a powerhouse in world rugby, and within the last three years, they have become the team to beat and the number-one-ranked team in the world.

Ireland’s work at the breakdown, coupled with set pieces, line breaks, and the ability to problem solve out of terrible situations, are the envy of the world. They are currently on an 11-game winning streak, but that will be put to the test against South Africa.

The South Africans have won the World Cup three times, with Ireland never progressing past the quarter-finals. Having said that, Ireland is going into the World Cup as one of the favourites to win it, and they will be desperate to do it. They are an amazing team, but they will need to overcome South Africa to get there. What a game that’s going to be!

6th Key Game: Pool C

Wales vs Australia: 28th September at 9.00 pm

Even though Fiji’s win against England in the weekend was impressive, I still believe the biggest game in Pool C is Wales vs. Australia. Both teams are very similar: they have endured some mixed performances against Tier 1 and 2 nations over the last three years, and they are both rebuilding, as well as having ex-coaches returning, in the forms of Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones, respectfully.

I get the feeling that this game will be more about the coaches than the players. Both Gatland and Jones are under massive pressure, because of their mixed results. They have been touted as the saviours of their team’s woes, so they will need the players to prove to their home countries, that they are still the right person for the job.

There’s a lot of history between Wales and Australia, so this game will be brutal.

7th Key Game: Pool B

Ireland vs Scotland: 7th October at 9.00 pm

Just like England and Japan, if Ireland wants to progress out of their pool, they need to go through Scotland. Currently, history is against Scotland, with Ireland winning the previous eight games. But the thing is, this is the World Cup and anything can happen.

Ireland would be quietly confident about this game, but we have no idea the condition of their players after the South African game. For all we know, half of the forwards could be injured, with some of the backs could be sitting on red cards.

On paper, Ireland should win this, but Scotland will not go quietly into the night. From the Scottish point of view, Ireland is in their way to reaching the quarter-finals, so they will start their A-side to battle them. This game will be crazy!

8th Key Game: Pool D

Japan vs Argentina: 8th October at 1.00 pm

Out of all of the key pool games, this could be the most explosive. Whatever team loses this game, could be going home. Yes, it does depend on England’s results against Japan and Argentina. I mean if England lost both games, then some of the pressure would have been let off for this game. However, if England wins against both Japan and Argentina, then this game will be utter carnage.

Both teams will need to be firing at full strength, and a draw may save one team, but doom the other. This game will feature the top team in South America vs. the top team in Asia, with a potential quarter-final berth as the prize.

It would also be remiss of me, not to mention the dangers Italy, Tonga, Georgia, Fiji, and Samoa will represent in pool games. They will be desperate to impress as well, along with the other remaining teams.

What pool games will you be watching? Have I missed any key pool games? Like always, please let me know.

This blog got away from me, like Bugs Bunny from Elmer Fudd. I was going to talk about rugby’s scoring system, so I promise to do it next week.

I need to get in some extra hours of sleep because I’m going to be losing a lot of it, through watching games and anxiety. Damn it, I just felt another hair turn grey.

Thanks once again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. This entire project is pure hubris, but it means a lot to me. Don’t forget to walk your dog; read a banned book; and please understand that releasing your mugshot on your social media account, is an own goal. I’ll see you next week.

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When I came up with the idea of Some Geek Told Me during the first lockdown, one of the main reasons was to discuss different things that interest me, like popular culture, science, salt and vinegar chips, and the list could go on and on.

I’ve discussed many important topics on my blog like my socks, my favourite Saga covers, the order in which children should watch the Star Wars movies, and how my wife is weird. However, there is one topic I have mentioned in passing, but I have never taken the time to enlighten the world on it. This gets corrected this month.

I love rugby. I mean it, I love it. I’m a New Zealander, so I have to by default, but I still love it. Firstly, I know for some strange reason, some people in the world either don’t like rugby or don’t care about it. I’ve said this before, but no one is perfect.¹

That being the case, I’m going to talk about the 2023 Rugby World Cup. Few things in this world make me feel fear and excitement like a Rugby World Cup; apart from eating some random chips at a party. Will they be Salt and Vinegar or Sour Cream and Chives or something else? I live on the edge. Aerosmith doesn’t have anything on me.

Every four years relative to their trophy, the world’s best rugby teams compete to be world champions. In 2022, the 2021 Women’s Rugby World Cup was held ² and the next one will be in 2025. For the men’s trophy, it actually starts next month; with various emotions already flooding into me. Anxiety, hope, fear, happiness, depression, excitement, apathy, and jubilation. They’re fighting for control of my mind because I want my country to win, and I can’t do anything about it.

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Host

This year’s tournament will run from 8th September to 28th October 2023, but because of the differences in time zones, it’ll be 9th September to 29th October for me. ³

The host country is France, and they have held the tournament before; 1991 with eight games (co-host), 1999 with eight games (co-host), and 2007 with 42 games as the main host. France will host all 48 games, over 51 days, covering nine cities.

They are:

• Paris: Stade de France. Capacity: 80,023. Will host the second and fourth quarter-finals, both semi-finals, the bronze play-off match, and the final.
• Marseille: Stade Vélodrome. Capacity: 67,847. Will host the first and third quarter-finals,
• Lyon: OL Stadium. Capacity: 58,883.
• Lille: Stade Pierre-Mauroy. Capacity: 50,096.
• Bordeaux: Stade de Bordeaux. Capacity: 42,060.
• Saint-Étienne: Stade Geoffroy-Guichard. Capacity: 42,152.
• Nice: Stade de Nice. Capacity: 35,983.
• Nantes: Stade de la Beaujoire. Capacity: 35,520.
• Toulouse: Stade de Toulouse. Capacity: 33,103.

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Teams

There are 20 teams across four pools. The draw looks like this:

Pool A: New Zealand, France, Italy, Uruguay, and Namibia.

Pool B: South Africa (defending world champions), Ireland, Scotland, Tonga, and Romania.

Pool C: Wales, Australia, Fiji, Georgia, and Portugal.

Pool D: England, Japan, Argentina, Samoa, and Chile.

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Previous Winners

After the first edition in 1987, there have been only four countries that have won the Rugby World Cup:

New Zealand: 1987, 2011, and 2015

South Africa: 1995, 2007, and 2019

Australia: 1991 and 1999

England: 2003

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So why should you care about the Rugby World Cup? Hang on, here’s a better question, why do I care about it?

Nothing, and I mean nothing, brings me more quadrennial stress than the Rugby World Cup! For my elevated stress levels, this event is more dangerous to me than my job, children and my wife combine. This is my wife’s third Rugby World Cup with me, and I’m already annoying her, with only 18 days from the start of the tournament. And it’s slowly going to get worse. I’m terrible.

Why do I do this to myself? Easy, I love rugby, I love my country and I want them to win. But as past World Cups have shown, how you deal with victory, is just as important as how you deal with heartbreak.

Case in point, it’s a life lesson I’ve been explaining to UMC1 and UMC2. With any team sport, and especially World Cups, you want your team to do well because you love them. You support and follow them because they’re your team. When they win, you love them because they’re winning. And if they lose, that’s when you need to love them even more.

I’m an All Blacks fan. I always have been and I always will be. I’ve ridden the highs with them, as well as suffered and stressed about the lows. This Rugby World Cup is going to be extremely competitive and tight; particularly with the phenomenal way Ireland and France are currently playing. Although that is another blog for another week.

Rugby is a wonderful sport, with crazy rules and outstanding players. From the scoring system, the dark arts of the front row, the lexicon, and players’ positions, rugby is simply amazing.

If this is your first Rugby World Cup, then welcome. If you’re a returning fan, then it’s great to see you again. If you’re interested in watching the games, please do so. If nothing else, they will give you an excuse to complain about forward passes, hands in the ruck, collapsing scrums, offsides, head-high tackles, and whether the referee is actually watching the game or not.

I can’t wait, though my blood pressure can. I can feel individual hairs on my head slowly turning grey, just thinking about the Rugby World Cup. Good times.

Will you be watching the Rugby World Cup? Who are you supporting? Who do you think will win? Please let me know. Next week, I’m going to discuss which pool games to look out for, because they will have the biggest impact on the quarter-finals, as well as discussing the scoring system for any rugby novices. This only happens every four years, so I’m making the most of it. Sorry, not sorry.

Thanks once again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. I’m also on Twitter and Mastodon, where I post about history, geography, movies, politics, music, sports, comics, and anything else that can hold my attention. Don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, block Elon Musk, and I’ll see you next week.

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1.) Dear single people, please remember that.

2.) Thanks COVID-19, once again.

3.) Can any Flat Earther explain time zones?

I want to talk about football. Why? If you’re a follower of this inarticulate blog, then you know I love football. I failed to discuss the 2022 FIFA World Cup, so I thought I would rectify that by ranting about the upcoming FIFA Women’s World Cup. Because of my OCD, I’ve made the executive decision to break down the World Cup into sections, because…well, I can. I’m sorry, but this blog is short and quite factual than anything else.

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On 20th July 2023, the ninth edition of the FIFA Women’s World Cup will begin. It will run until the final on the 20th August.

Hosts

There are two firsts for the host country for this World Cup. This will be the first time, that we have two host countries instead of one.¹ The second fact is that it’s the first time the tournament will held in Oceania, with previous tournaments having been hosted in North America (United States and Canada, Asia (China), and Europe (Sweden, Germany, and France).

The co-hosting countries are Australia and New Zealand, with 64 games being played, covering nine cities and 10 venues.

In Australia we have:

• Sydney: Stadium Australia (mainly used for rugby league, rugby union, football, cricket, and Australian Rules Football). Will host the fourth quarter-final, second semi-final, and the final.
• Sydney: Sydney Football Stadium (mainly used for rugby league, rugby union, football, and concerts).
• Brisbane: Lang Park aka The Cauldron (mainly used for rugby league, rugby union, and football). Will host the third quarter-final and playoff for third place.
• Melbourne: Melbourne Rectangular Stadium aka AAMI Park (mainly used for rugby league, rugby union, football, and Australian Rules Football).
• Perth: Perth Rectangular Stadium aka HBF Park (mainly used for rugby league, rugby union, football, cricket, and Australian Rules Football).
• Adelaide: Hindmarsh Stadium aka Coppers Stadium (mainly used for football).

For New Zealand we have:

• Auckland: Eden Park (mainly used for rugby union, cricket, and concerts). Will host the second quarter-final and first semi-final
• Hamilton: Waikato Stadium (mainly used for rugby union).
• Wellington: Wellington Regional Stadium aka The Cake Tin (mainly used for rugby union, cricket, football, and concerts). Will host the first quarter-final.
• Dunedin: Forsyth Barr Stadium, aka The Glasshouse (mainly used for rugby union and concerts).

Teams

There are 32 teams across eight groups. The draw looks like this:

Group A: New Zealand, Norway, Philippines, and Switzerland.

Group B: Australia, Republic of Ireland, Nigeria, and Canada.

Group C: Spain, Costa Rica, Zambia, and Japan.

Group D: England, Haiti, Denmark, and China.

Group E: United States of America (defending world champions), Vietnam, Netherlands, and Portugal.

Group F: France, Jamaica, Brazil, and Panama.

Group G: Sweden, South Africa, Italy, and Argentina.

Group H: Germany, Morocco, Colombia, and South Korea.

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After the first edition in 1991, there have been only four different countries that have won the FIFA Women’s World Cup:

United States of America: 1991, 1999, 2015, and 2019

Norway: 1995

Germany: 2003 and 2007

Japan: 2011

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This brings me to ask a question: Why should you care about the FIFA Women’s World Cup?

Maybe football is not popular in your community or country. Maybe you may hate football, or your country may not have qualified for the tournament. Maybe you don’t watch women’s sports, or possibly, you may not even watch any sport. Many different reasons could drive you to not watch the FIFA Women’s World Cup.

But before you completely write the World Cup off, with 100% certainly, let me tell you a story.

Having grown up² in New Zealand, sport is part of our culture and identity. I’ve played many sports over the years, but there are four sports that I follow and support; rugby union, rugby league, cricket, and of course, football.

My definition of following a sport is having a favourite team (professional club(s) and/or national team) and doing seven things:

1.) Attending live games.

2.) Watching live games via television or streaming platform.

3.) Purchasing and wearing your team’s merchandise.

4.) Watching highlights on YouTube of your team’s game, whether you saw the game or couldn’t because of time zone difference.

5.) Watching highlights of games involving other teams, because you want to know what the competition are doing; just in case they’re cheating.

6.) Reading articles and news updates about the squads, and religiously checking draws, results, and table standings.

7.) Talking about sports to your non-sporting spouse.

I do all of these things, except money plays a large part in attending live games and streaming the games. I have to save up to selectively choose what months I can afford the service.

Anyway, a few years ago I made the observation that I was only watching male sports. With exceptions for the Summer and Winter Olympics, and the Commonwealth Games, the only female sport I would watch was international netball.

This resulted in me asking myself an awkward question. If I liked watching and following males playing rugby union, rugby league, cricket, and football, then why do I not watch females play?

This led me to conclude that if I truly cared, supported, and followed my four favourite sports, then I couldn’t just care about the players with Y chromosomes; I needed to care about all the players.

I’ve taught UMC1 and UMC2 that sport is sport, so I needed to listen to my own advice.

So this has been a goal³ of mine since then: for every male team that I support in rugby union, rugby league, cricket, and football, I now try to give the women’s teams of that sport, the same amount of support; whether with club or national teams. Granted the coverage is not the same as males, but I’m trying.

I wrote a blog about women’s sports last year, if it helps to reinforce my point.

We’ve now arrived back at the beginning: Why should you care about the FIFA Women’s World Cup?

You should care, because this is the biggest women’s single sporting tournament on the planet. 32 teams containing the best female football players in the world, are representing their countries and competing in a knock-out tournament, to see which team will lift the FIFA Women’s World Cup.

So what can you do to show support? If possible, go buy a ticket and attend a live game. If not, you can do the next best thing by watching some games. As for me, I’m doing both. I’ll be watching live games through my overpriced streaming service, and watching highlights through YouTube.

I’m also attending a game. Back in October 2022, I saved some money and purchased tickets for UMC1 and myself to watch New Zealand vs. Switzerland in Dunedin. To be honest, I’m not sure which one of us is more excited; him or me. I’ve never been to any World Cup match in any sport before, so I’m riding a wave of excitement. I’m planning on writing a blog about the experience, so we will have to wait and see what happens.

What World Cup games are you planning on watching? What team will you be supporting? Please let me know.

Well, that’s another rant finished for another week. Thanks once again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, go watch some football, and I’ll see you next week.

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¹ In 2002, Japan and South Korea became the first co-hosting countries in the men’s tournament, with Canada, Mexico, and The United States of America, co-hosting the men’s tournament in 2026.

² There is a subtle difference between growing up and getting older.

³ Pun very much intended.

I’d like to interrupt my regular incoherent weekly blog, for the first of two special posts. The first one concerns sport, particularly rugby union, rugby league, football and cricket.

Whether you are aware of it or not; and I do apologise if you already do, but the 2021 Rugby World Cup¹ was hosted by New Zealand, and the final was played on Saturday 12th November, between England and New Zealand, aka the Red Roses and the Black Ferns.

Running parallel to this tournament is the 2021 Rugby League World Cup² which is currently being held in England. Also next year the 2023 FIFA World Cup will be co-hosted between Australia and New Zealand.

Now for those of you that are keeping score, I’ve just named three of my favourite sports, with the exception of cricket.

So what do these three tournaments have got to do with the price of milk and each other? That’s a no brainer, because all three tournaments are for female players. This is important; because I feel at least in my country, we’re at a point where women playing international sport that has been traditionally identified as male, is finally going to get primetime coverage, attention and recognition.

Firstly, the Black Ferns won on Saturday, claiming their 6th World Cup title. Along with England, they put on an amazing display of rugby, that showcases how fantastic the game is to the entire world. My wife, UMC1, UMC2 and myself have watched as many games as possible, and we have not been disappointed. This tournament has lifted the profile of the sport, maybe forever.

The Kiwi Ferns will also be playing England on Monday 14th November at 7.30 pm (local time) in the 2nd semi-final for the Rugby League World Cup. These games I’ve been watching via highlights because of the time zones difference; we’re 13 hours ahead of the United Kingdom. Added to the fact that next year, the best 32 football teams in the world, will travel to Australia and New Zealand to fight for football supremacy.

As a sports fan, a New Zealander, and as a human being, this is phenomenal. Across these codes; and yes, I am including cricket with this, these World Cups were only introduced recently; 1991 for rugby and football, 2000 for rugby league, and 1973 for cricket.

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What I’m driving at; and I’m going to sound corny, is that all of these players across these codes; are amazing. Simply amazing. Somewhere along the road, whether it was when they were a girl, teenager or as an adult, these players would have run into obstacles.

They may have been told that they couldn’t play their preferred sport, because it was only played by boys. It could have been they were told to just stick with sports, that are only played by girls, whether at school or at a club level. Maybe they were rejected for being the wrong size, height, or build.

There also could have been the issue of their school or community, not having the resources, staff, management or teams, to run a girls competition in rugby, rugby league, football or cricket. Maybe these players needed to travel hours to another town or city, to fit into a team that could take them in; committing to travel for trainings and games.

Whatever the case, they would have found an obstacle and discovered a way to climb over it, to go around it, and simply, to go through it. To me, sport is sport. You can have team sports like rugby, or individual sports like swimming, that deal in male or female competitions, and that’s fine. However, and it’s what I teach UMC1 and UMC2, there is no such thing as boys sport, or girls sport; there is only sport.

All of these players, regardless of their sport and country are inspirational. They are playing the sport they love; and they are also showing the current and next generation of players and supporters, that sport is for everybody, regardless of your ability and gender. They are role models for girls and boys to support and admire. Seriously, sport is sport.

So what’s next? Well, if you truly believe that sport is sport, you should do something about it. Demand more games from your broadcaster, so you can watch them; attend live games and if the case arises, buy tickets for the games; volunteer your time as a coach; buy merchandise like jerseys or posters; but just do something to support them.

I’ve taken my own advice, because I’ve purchased tickets for the FIFA World Cup next year. UMC1 and I will watch New Zealand (Football Ferns) vs Switzerland in Dunedin and we can’t wait.

Anyway, congratulations to the Black Ferns. Tino pai rawa atu! Damn, I love rugby.

Thanks for reading, go watch some sport, read some banned books, and I’ll see you on Monday for the second special blog.

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¹ Thanks COVID-19 for delaying it one year.

² Once again, thanks COVID-19 for delaying it one year.

I try to keep my promises as much as I can, so here’s the nondescript account of my experience of the Dunedin Half Marathon 2022.

The run started at 9.00 am, which meant I woke up without an alarm, near 5.10 am. We’re off to a great start already.

Let’s back up a little shall we? My wife, UMC1 and UMC2 travelled down to Dunedin with me on the Friday, so we could stay for the whole weekend. I’d been saving for a few months for the trip, because we had some child-friendly activities we had planned to do around Dunedin; especially visiting the museum. We are a family of nerds/geeks after all.

We stayed at a hotel, and I’ll be honest; no matter the different places we went to, or the different things that we did with UMC1 and UMC2, the highlight of the trip for them, was the hotel room. We don’t have a television at home, so watching Saturday morning cartoons, was unreal for them; particularly using the remote control. It took both of us to convince them to actually leave the hotel room, because they were having so much fun.

Anyway, after picking up the race pack, and making our plans for Sunday morning, it was time for me to start slowly getting anxious. What a winner.

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Like I said at the start, I woke up at 5.10 am on Sunday morning, because we were all sleeping in the same room. I could only listen to UMC1 and UMC2 argue in their sleep for only so long, before I had to get up. Reading news articles and watching video clips about Queen Elizabeth II’s death, at the time seemed like a good idea, like an ejection seat in a helicopter.

After reading and watching an avalanche of information about the Queen, I knew I needed breakfast, however this is a riddle I have never been able to solve. It comes in two parts: what do you eat before a race? and when should you actually eat? I’ll be damned if I know.

Being a very amateur runner, I decided on cereal, toast and yoghurt, because…well, we didn’t have anything else in the unit. After eating, getting changed and packing my bag, I needed to wake everybody else up and the results were not pretty.

After my wife dropped me off near Forsyth Barr Stadium, I followed the stream of positive and intelligent people, that were deliberately going to put themselves through hours of pain. Caledonian Ground was the destination, and after arriving there, things just got real.

There was a sea of people in and around the ground, so I decided to perform my token stretches on the rugby field next door. After embarrassing myself by smothering my legs with vaseline to avoid chafing, I wandered over to the starting line.

As I walked past the elite runners at the front and headed towards the back, I started noticing people. They were ready and I was woefully not ready. The realisation that I was ill prepared for the run, was a horrible thing. A bad diet and a somewhat lack of training is never a great combination; like vodka and swimming.

There was a guy vaping, while he was waiting near me, which did a lot to build my confidence. Oh, I’m sorry, did I say build? What I meant to say was destroy! And before you could say, “Pachycephalosaurus were crazy looking bipedal herbivore dinosaurs”, the race had started.

We headed out towards the industrial area, while trying not to crash into anybody. From there, it was along the water front and out towards the peninsula. And this is where it got weird for me.

I remember passing the 5 km mark, because it was the turning point for the 10 km runners; but from then on, I didn’t see another distance marker until the 18 km mark. It was weird to be actively participating in an distorted example of the Uncertainty principle. I knew how much time had passed, but not my location.

After finally reaching the turning point for the race, I started remembering and listening to my body. I remember my brain convincing my heart, legs, stomach, and everything else, that running in this race was a great idea. On the way back, my brain had absolved itself of any involvement in the decision making process, and was trying to force a confession from some other body part, blaming them for the decision to run. My body was not happy with itself.

On the way back, something very predictable happened; young and older runners started passing me. I found that experience to be soul crushing, especially when I’m running as fast as I can! Eventually I saw the 18 km mark and I realised that my dream time was not going to be achieved. So being the winner that I am, I slipped down to aim for my second dream time.

Running towards the finish line, which was actually a pub, did not have the desired impact for me; I just wanted it to be over. I crossed the line and even though I didn’t get the time that I wanted, I got the time that I needed. I shaved nine minutes off my previous time, though I sound like such a loser, it’s hilarious!

Anyway, the run was not the total disaster I thought it would be, I could even do squats the next day, which was a minor miracle. I showed UMC2 my finisher’s medal and he said it was stupid, because it had no yellow on it. Cheers mate, thanks for the support.

I have another race in a fortnight, but this one is actually local. This means hundreds of people in the community will get to see me fail. I’m a D-List celebrity, so I’m looking forward to people telling me that I suck. Can’t wait.

So that’s it. I’m back to running half marathons, by starting with energy and hope, and ending with despair and misery. Cool. House of the Dragon is now up, so I need to study some more fictional royal family trees. Thanks for reading, walk your dog, read some banned books and I’ll see you next week.

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I want to talk about grief, in particular when your favourite team is losing. I’m serious! Anybody that supports a team; no matter the sport, will know the highs and lows of being a supporter.

You believe that supporting the team, helps the players to achieve heroic deeds on the field/court/pitch. You don’t listen to the haters and non-believers that preach insane things like, telling the referee/umpire to open their eyes, will not actually make it happen. “Haters are going to hate”, you say. “My team needs me”, you say.

You’re a staunch supporter, always watching or attending a game, whether you were introduced to the team as a young child or as an adult. Whatever the case, you’re loyal to them. When they win, you share in their glory, reinforcing the amazing belief, that your support of them can actually bend the laws of the universe, and actually make them win. They won because of your support, because you’re part of the team. Search your feelings, you know this to be true.

But there is the other side of the coin. Much like Two-Face’s double headed coin, or with the concept of love, in Jane Austen’s novels and the Brontë sisters’ literature; one side is amazing and beautiful, while the other is twisted and scarred.

When your team loses a game, you can sit down and semi-rationalise the loss. It’s like when you hit or knock your ulnar nerve on the humerus bone; it hurts, but you know you can get over it. Everything will be alright, the team will learn some lessons from the loss, so they can get straight back to winning.

But what happens when they don’t? What if the unthinkable happens and they fall into a losing streak? Fear, doubt and anger start to seep in. However, just like Master Yoda said, “Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

The truth is this: if you truly support a team, you will end up suffering along the way. That being the case, I thought a guide to understanding your grief may help some people in this. I know what I’m talking about, because I’m an All Blacks supporter¹, so parts of 2021-2022 have been…unpleasant and very uncomfortable.

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The Five Stages of Grief: Team Sports Edition

First Stage: Denial

Alright, so my team has lost a game. Who cares! Every team loses at some point during the season. They’re fine.

Sorry, what did you say? They lost again. That’s two games now. Not a problem, they are ironing out some wrinkles in their set plays. They’re fine.

Hmmm….that’s three games they have lost now. It’s still ok, they have had some injuries and travel issues. This is not a slump, it’s a small, tiny, extremely minor bump in the road. They’re fine.

Yes, yes, I saw the game, they lost again. I think that makes it four games now. That referee was an idiot, so technically they didn’t lose, it was stolen from them. They’re fine.

I’m telling you, they’re fine! Losing five games does not mean a losing streak. Seriously, stop talking about it! The players and coaching staff are doing their best, stop talking about them. THEY’RE FINE!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! They are not in a slump! I know they have lost six games, but its not their fault! Leave them alone! THEY ARE NOT IN SLUMP! THEY’RE FINE!

Sadly at some point during the season; but try as you may, you can’t deny reality anymore. Whether they have lost two, three, four, or even ten games, whatever the number for whatever fan/supporter, sooner or later, you have to face the reality that your team is losing. You can’t deny this anymore, than you can stop Last Week Tonight from winning Emmys for Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series or Outstanding Variety Talk Series.

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Second Stage: Anger

Dammit, what the hell is happening?! You really need someone to blame for this disaster!

Let’s make a list of accountability:

• It’s the players fault: They are not training or focused enough.
• It’s the coaching staff fault: They are not preparing the players well enough.
• It’s the players children’s fault: Their parent is missing the game to attend the child’s birthday. How selfish is that child to want to see their parent on their birthday?
• It’s a player’s new spouse’s fault: How dare they think getting married during the season is a good idea? What? There’s a honeymoon as well? Divorce their arse, right now!
• It’s a player’s pregnant wife/girlfriend fault, for going into labour: What in the nine circles of Dante’s Hell is she thinking, giving birth during the season?! How self-centred can you be?
• It’s a player’s family member fault, that has died: Oh, don’t get me started on that selfish person! They have made this season into all about them!
• It’s the media’s fault: The media keeps writing terrible things about the team; the team reads the terrible things; the team plays terribly; and the cycle repeats.
• It’s the team’s bus driver’s fault: The driver is not providing a ride that allows the team to arrive at the stadium, fully refreshed and ready. They are playing the wrong music and making too many left turns.
• It’s the President’s or Prime Minister’s fault: They are in charge of the whole country, so this means the team’s failures are their fault. Vote them out!
• It’s Climate Change’s fault: Bloody Climate Change! It’s making the weather unstable, so the players can’t play properly.
• It’s Stephen King’s fault: His books are so creepy, that after reading them, the players refuse to go to sleep anymore, because of the nightmares.
• It’s Critical Race Theory’s (CRT) fault: This educational module confuses the players and makes them turn on each other, thus the team performs badly.

There could be one or several reasons why the team has lost their form, but whatever it is, your anger will be directed at one person or several; whether they deserve your criticism or not. If a scapegoat can be found, then everything else will just fix itself. If only…

The problem is no matter how angry you are feeling, the players and coaching staff are feeling it 1,000 times more.

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Third Stage: Bargaining

This is an odd one, because you need two things for bargaining: something to bargain and someone to bargain with.

With the former, maybe you’re going to give up drinking beer for a month, if your team starts winning. Or it could giving up smoking; giving more to charity; cleaning the bathroom for six months; changing every nappy for a week; start watching the game in your least favourite chair, attending a game in different seats; creating a swear jar; being less judgmental, cynical, pessimistic, or sarcastic; or maybe it could be to give up watching the games for the rest of the season, if only they could please start winning games!

For the other part, whom are your negotiations directed at? God? Jesus? Allah? Jehovah? Moses? Buddha? Waheguru? Brahma? Vishnu? Gandalf? Captain Planet? Spider-Man? Green Lantern? Goku? Yoda? Spock? Splinter? Aslan? Harry Potter? The Doctor? Neil degrasse Tyson? King Charles III? Elon Musk? Liz Truss? Or maybe any patron saint or god of sport?

Ultimately your bargaining will fall on deaf ears. Why would anybody accept your prayers for your team to start winning again, when there is another person praying for your team to lose; or at the very least, praying for their team to win?

I think God has bigger things to worry about, like fighting against racism and climate change, but also trying to figure out why Sour Cream and Chives were created, than worrying about your team. Sorry.

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Fourth Stage: Depression

Depression or the black dog is easy to describe; your beloved team is losing and it hurts. Everywhere people are talking about it: talkback radio, breakfast shows, work places, newspapers, magazines, podcasts….you can’t escape it. Your busy mind is now stuck reliving the defeats, but also wondering what else could happen?

It is such a bleak outlook, when watching people that support the team, slowly turn on them. You try to distract yourself by actually living your life, but the defeats are still there. Always there, following you around like the entity in It Follows; except for the sex, because who can think of sex when your team is losing!

Food has lost it’s beautiful taste, and your beloved sport now feels like it was created to punish those that love it.

You refuse to read or listen to anything about the crisis, until you do by accident, and you wish you hadn’t. Your mind dives deep into the catastrophe, which causes you more torment, which in turn, causes more depression.

Your team is losing, people are laughing at them, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But it will be alright, this will not last forever, even though it feels like it will. Your team will survive this, and so can you.

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Fifth Stage: Acceptance

Having a brutal and honest conversation with yourself is never easy, and acceptance is the worst. When staring at yourself in the mirror, you have to admit: this is not an episode from the Twilight Zone or Black Mirror; it is not a dream from a hateful elder god; it is not a vision from a parallel world; this is real. Your team is losing.

You have accepted a horrible truth, but it’s a truth. And at this point, you realise that all of the negative emotions you have been experiencing, is because of one thing: you still love your team. If you didn’t, you would be indifferent, but you’re not. You still care.

It is very easy to love and support a team when they are winning. It’s more difficult to love and support them when they are losing, but that is exactly what a fan would do.

So after everything, what do you do? Easy, you start wearing your team’s jersey/shirt/uniform in public. You don’t give up on them when it’s hard; that’s when the team needs your support more than ever. People will hassle you for wearing their colours, but let’s face it; haters are always going to hate. Let them.

You love your team. You always have and you always will. Keep the faith and don’t give up on them.

Hopefully this guide will come in handy for someone, because it’s been therapeutic for me to write it. Anyway, my stomach has woken up and I need to search for ice cream. Support your team, walk your dog, read some banned books, and I’ll see you next week with the blog about the Dunedin Half Marathon. I know, I know, you can’t wait to read it, but you’re going to have to. Sorry!

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¹ I know it is so cliché for a New Zealander to support the All Blacks, but I’m a product of my environment. But what I am doing to do? Support Australia?!

I want to talk about some Olympic sports. Why? The 2020 Summer Olympics have been entertaining and inspiring us over the last few weeks, as well as making us feel very inferior for our own sporting achievements or lack of. However the sports that I want to discuss are not being contested at the Summer Olympics, but they used to be and maybe some day in the future, they can be again.

Over the years, there have been a few sports that have been discontinued at the Olympic Games for various reasons. Some make sense like cannon shooting, at the 1900 Olympic Games; while bowling first played at the 1988 Olympic Games, was supposed to be played at the 2020 Olympics Games, but was omitted, because the sport was not apparently appealing enough to youth, according to the Olympic Committee. Haters have to hate, I suppose.

There are three discontinued sports from the Olympic Games, that if they are reintroduced again, the public will fall in love with them; or at least I would be very happy to watch them.

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1.) Tug of War

Tug of War was last contested at the 1920 Summer Olympic Games in Antwerp, Belgium; with Great Britain winning the gold medal. At the time, this sport was only offered to male athletes. Why exactly it was discontinued is a mystery to me, but why would you?!

I would love to see Tug of War make a triumphant return to the Olympic Games, because of the seer carnage it would bring. There could be events for different genders and mixed; individual and team; but also having athletes compete in their weight grade. I mean, as entertaining as it sounds, having a 120kg monster versus a 65kg bean pole, would be a waste of time. Funny, but still a waste of time.

It could almost be promoted as the closet event to professional wrestling in the Olympics, because athletes could wear outrageous costumes in the colours of their nation, but also having stage names.

“Introducing the competitors pulling from the north end, hailing out of Ireland, it’s Sean “The Crusher” O’Connor and Ciara “The Assassin” Fitzpatrick!”¹

Also imagine if the neutral zone was a moat. Imagine it, live across the world, watching people getting dragged into mud! The ratings would be astronomical! I realise that Tug of War is contested at the World Games, but bringing it back to the Olympic Games would be a form of glorious chaos on the world stage.

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2.) Lacrosse

Lacrosse is an interesting sport, as well as being quite awesome. It was last competed at the 1908 Summer Olympic Games in London, England; though demonstration matches were played at the 1928, 1932 and 1948 games. Did you know Canada remains the Olympic champions after 113 years? To be fair though, lacrosse is also played at the World Games.

For those that do not know what lacrosse is or what how it is played, it’s quite simple, but crazy at the same time. To me, it’s like if Hurling and Field Hockey had a baby. Basically players run around with a stick, that has a net at the end of it. From there players can pass a ball to each other, by throwing it; a player can then catch the ball in the net.

Players work together to throw the ball into the goal; though the other team is doing the exactly the same thing. Oh, I forgot; the players also need to wear safety equipment for obvious reasons: sticks, flying balls, anger…not a safe combination. Just like martinis and driving or siblings play fighting; someone will always get hurt.

The main reason that I would love for lacrosse to be brought back to the Olympic Games is about speed. Lacrosse is an extremely fast sport, which could be morphed into a drinking game. Because of how the game is designed and played, points can be be scored quite quickly.

Sitting at home or at a bar with your friends, you could watch the game, while supporting one team or other. This could be done with the rule of only drinking at certain events happening in the game, such as : scoring, body checking or stick checking. If there is the extra man offense, the person supporting the penalised team, would need to scull their drink. Even if you lose the game, you would still win.

It could became one of the most popular sports to be supported at the Olympic Games, especially with university students. Seriously, having lacrosse back at the Olympic Games would be a winning move, not just for players and supporters, but also for retail liquor stores and bars. Everybody wins!

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3.) Croquet

Before you dismiss this, hear me out. Croquet has only been played once, which was at the 1900 Summer Olympic Games in Paris, France and all 10 players were from France! This means that France has won all of the Olympic Games medals in croquet.

If you are unaware of croquet then, firstly shame on you. Secondly, croquet seems quite dull, but there is huge potential for it. Croquet involves using a mallet, to hit different balls through hoops that are anchored into the grass.

Like I said, croquet might sound dull, but imagine if a 75 year old woman could win a gold medal or a 80 year old man? Croquet is a sport where the age of the player becomes irrelevant. You could honestly have a lot more elderly players at the Olympic Games because of this, so imagine them staying at the Olympic Village?

The parties, sex, alcohol and over 65 year old croquet players. There could be a scandal after a 70 year old croquet player gets sent home, because of his misadventures at the village. It would be epic and hilarious!

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If anybody from the Olympic Committee reads this blog, please consider the benefits these three sports could bring to the Olympic Games, because all three of them need to brought back, as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading and see you next week!

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¹ My apologies if Sean O’Connor and Ciara Fitzpatrick are in fact, the names of real people. They were the most Irish sounding names I could think of.