So…how is everybody doing? It’s an interesting period in human history right now, and it can seem that things could be getting out of hand. Maybe things are already out of hand. Regardless of the truth, I want to take the time to acknowledge the deaths of two people who were recently announced.
Before I do, I realise I have discussed the deaths of people on this blog before, especially people I have never met, which is somewhat awkward and strange. How do you convey your thoughts and feelings about the matter? Do we have the right to do so? I don’t know what the proper answer or response could or should be; I never have.
I have no stirring speeches about the deaths of people with influence, only that by looking and examining ourselves, we can see that humanity can still shine through in these dire times, but also, understanding and being grateful that we got to experience their gifts that they shared with the world. Because maybe, just maybe, that’s the point.
Anyway, I want to talk about Sam Kieth and Chuck Norris.
Sam Kieth died on 15th March, aged 63 years old, and from what I can understand, he died from complications from Lewy body dementia, which is a form of dementia I never knew existed, I’m sorry to say.
For those not in the know, Kieth was a comic book creator who worked with many companies, including Aftershock, Dark Horse, DC, Image, Marvel, and others. Kieth created and co-created memorable characters, including, but not limited to, Cyber, Mr Gone, Mervyn Pumpkinhead, Mad Hettie, Goldie, Zero Girl, Roderick Burgess, Azazel, and Julie Winters, along with the three most well-known: Lucifer Morningstar, The Maxx, and Dream of the Endless.
I can’t tell you what the first Sam Kieth art I saw was, but I can tell you how it made me feel. I always thought just like his characters, Kieth’s art was not conventional; it was kooky, surreal, weird, offbeat, and odd. But that’s why I felt it stood out from the crowd, and that’s why his art worked. I would see his art somewhere and think, “That looks bonkers, it must be Sam Kieth’s. I love it!”, and it usually was. I enjoyed his art and storytelling, so his talents will be missed.
Sam Kieth in 2013 at a retrospective of his work at the Cartoon Art Museum in San Francisco. His bold art aesthetic and exploration of mature themes gave an adult edge to his comic book characters. Credit: Stephen Lam
It’s difficult to believe, but Death finally found the courage to tell Chuck Norris that he was actually dead. His formal death was recorded as 19th March 2026, in Hawaii, aged 86 years. Born Switchblade Killingsworth, Norris changed his name because he believed it didn’t sound tough enough.
Norris was a famous actor, martial artist, author, and screenwriter. Walker, Texas Ranger was one of his most famous roles, along with his scene-stealing cameo in Dodgeball.
He was the most dangerous, courageous, intelligent, and lethal man in the world. Norris managed to achieve some truly mighty feats, which include:
He could delete the Recycle Bin.
He once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
He counted to infinity. Twice.
He could slam a revolving door.
He could strangle a man with a cordless phone.
He could start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
He could divide by zero.
He could kill two stones with one bird.
He once played Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won.
He would drink napalm to fight his heartburn.
He could manage to achieve a bachelor’s degree in scheduled time.
He didn’t read books. He would stare them down until he got the information he wanted.
He once beat paper, rock, and scissors, all at the same time.
He never blinked in his entire life. Never.
He could speak Braille.
He could build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
Chuck Norris did go hunting because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris went killing.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
There are many more, but my eternal thanks go to Chuck Norris. I read books documenting his feats to UMC1 and UMC2, while they were baking in the womb. It did this for four reasons: to build a connection to them with my voice, to watch my wife suppress her laughter, to educate them on what a roundhouse kick was, and to inform my unborn children of the adventures of the world’s greatest man. Death has a Chuck Norris problem now.
Chuck Norris being Chuck Norris. Credit: Fickeringmyth
Seriously, both Sam Kieth and Chuck Norris have helped me become the geek I am today. Thank you.
This was a short blog post, so it is what it is. Thank you for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. It wouldn’t be New Zealand’s 5th least favourite website without your support.
Remember to walk your dog, read a banned book, go watch Heated Rivalry, and I’ll see you next week. Look after yourselves and your family.
The dust has settled, bets have been collected, and tears have been wiped away. Last weekend, the 2026 Men’s Six Nations Championship finished its fifth and final round, with all of the trophies having been won and given out.
If you’re new to this amazing account or rugby, then don’t despair – my two blog posts explaining the Six Nations Rugby Championship will clear things up. You can read at your leisure here and here. Sorted governor!
Now that the tournament is over, and despite the wise advice from Payroll, I decided to add an update. Namely, what happened in the tournament and which team won which trophy. With 10 of them, it can be a touch confusing, but here at Some Geek Told Me, we love a challenge. Well, a small challenge at least.
I know you’re as excited as I am to discuss these facts, so let’s talk about the 2026 Six Nations Rugby Championship, because nothing else in the world is happening right now. Absolutely nothing.
Credit: Six Nations Rugby
To begin this astonishing assessment, let’s discuss any important and interesting facts that have been revealed from this year’s tournament.
Thomas Ramos was the highest point scorer with 74.
Louis Bielle-Biarrey broke the record for most tries in a single Championship with nine tries.
In their last two games, France scored 88 points, but conceded 96 points.
In the final round, Wales won their first Six Nations match in 16 matches by defeating Italy. Their last win was against Italy in 2023.
The Solidarity Trophy, a new trophy, was introduced to be contested between France and Ireland.
Italy’s opening win over Scotland was their first opening win of a Six Nations campaign since 2013, when they defeated France, 23-18.
Hollie Davidson became the first woman to referee a men’s Six Nations game.
After 35 years and 32 consecutive defeats, Italy recorded their first-ever win over England, 23-18.
England scored the most points (46) in a loss in a Six Nations match.
So now that’s out of the way, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of the post: Who won what trophies?
I’ll reveal the winners in reverse order, as I introduced them in the second blog post. Clear as mud?
The Solidarity/SolidaritéTrophy: Ireland vs France
If you remember, this trophy was brand new for the tournament, newly minted for 2026. The Solidary Trophy is played between Ireland and France, and on 5th February, France defeated Ireland, 36-14 at the Stade de France. This meant France became the inaugural winners of the Men’s Solidarity Trophy.
Victorious French captain, Antoine Dupont holds the Solidarity Trophy, after France defeated Ireland, 36-14, 5th February 2026. Credit: Guinness Six Nations
The Cuttitta Cup: Scotland vs Italy
To recap, the Cuttitta Cup is only competed between Scotland and Italy. It was introduced in 2022, and on 7th February, Italy reclaimed the Cuttitta Cup by defeating Scotland at the Stadio Olimpico, 18-15. This was only the second time that Italy had won the trophy.
Italy celebrating winning the Cuttitta Cup, over Scotland in 2026. Credit: Six Nations Rugby
The Doddie Weir Cup: Scotland vs Wales
The Doddie Weir Cup was introduced in 2018 to be competed between Scotland and Wales. Scotland retained the trophy, having defeated Wales, 26-23, on 21st February at Millennium Stadium. This was Scotland’s fifth time winning the trophy.
Scotland’s Sione Tuipulotu and Rory Darge lift the Doddie Weir Cup during a Guinness Six Nations match between Wales and Scotland at The Principality Stadium, on February 21, 2026, in Cardiff, Wales. (Photo by Craig Williamson / SNS Group)
The Auld Alliance Trophy: France vs Scotland
The Auld Alliance Trophy is the rival trophy that is played between France and Scotland. It was introduced in 2018, and the 2026 edition was played at Murrayfield Stadium on 7th March. I watched the extended highlights of this game, and it was madness. 90 points were scored, with Scotland reclaiming the trophy by beating France, 50-40. It was Scotland’s first time winning the trophy since 2021, and its fourth time overall.
Scotland celebrating winning the Auld Alliance Trophy in 2026. Credit: Scottish Rugby
The Giuseppe Garibaldi Trophy: France vs Italy
On 22nd February, France played Italy at the Stade Pierre-Mauroy, for the honour of winning the Giuseppe Garibaldi Trophy. This trophy was introduced in 2007, and since then, Italy have only won it twice. At the end of the game, France was victorious and retained the Giuseppe Garibaldi Trophy, downing Italy, 33-8. France has held the trophy since 2014.
French captain Antoine Dupont was awarded the Giuseppe Garibaldi Trophy, by Italian captain, Michele Lamaro. Credit: Six Nations Rugby
The Centenary Quaich: Ireland vs Scotland
This rival trophy was decided in the first game of the fifth and final round. Ireland and Scotland compete for the Centenary Quaich, which was introduced in 1989. The game was played on 14th March at Aviva Stadium, which saw Ireland triumph over Scotland, 43-21. Ireland retained the Centenary Quaich, which they have held since 2018.
I’m very sorry, but I couldn’t find any photographs of Ireland celebrating with the Centenary Quaich in 2026. The best I could do was this photo from last year. HRH Princess Anne, Patron of the Scottish Rugby Union, looks on after presenting Caelan Doris of Ireland with the Century Quaich Trophy, after Ireland defeated Scotland, during the Guinness Six Nations 2025. | Getty Images
The Millennium Trophy: England vs Ireland
The Millennium Trophy was introduced in 1988 to be competed for between England and Ireland. Ireland retained the trophy, having defeated England, 42-21, on 21st February at Twickenham Stadium. Ireland has held the trophy since 2025.
Once again, I have searched the internet, but I could not find a single photo of Ireland celebrating winning the Millennium Trophy for 2026. Sorry, I looked for over 45 minutes.
The Calcutta Cup: England vs Scotland
The Calcutta Cup, the oldest international rugby trophy in the world, is competed for between England and Scotland. It was introduced in 1879, and on 14th February, Scotland reclaimed the Calcutta Cup by defeating England at Murrayfield Stadium, 31-20.
Scotland’s Sione Tuipulotu lifts the Calcutta Cup during a Guinness Six Nations match between Scotland and England at Scottish Gas Murrayfield, on February 14, 2026, in Edinburgh, Scotland. (Photo by Craig Williamson / SNS Group)
Six Nations Championship Wooden Spoon
If you can cast your mind back, this title is a non-award, or rather a (dis)honour for the team that finished last in the championship. Wales finished bottom of the championship with six points and one win. Wales have been awarded the Wooden Spoon since 2024.
Dejected Wales players huddle up at full time, having failed to keep pace with England from early on in the game. Photograph: Chris Fairweather/Huw Evans/Shutterstock
Six Nations Championship Grand Slam
Like the Wooden Spoon, the Grand Slam is a title or honour; it is not a trophy. To achieve the Grand Slam, a team needs to win all five games, essentially beating everybody else. For 2026, no one team managed to defeat all of the others, because each team suffered at least one loss.
This meant the Grand Slam was not achieved in 2026, though it’s interesting to note that the Grand Slam has not been achieved since Ireland did it in 2023.
Six Nations Championship Triple Crown
Unlike the past two entries, the Triple Crown is a trophy, though to be honest, it’s more like a plate. This trophy is played for between the Home Nations of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland. It is only awarded to the team that defeats all three of the other Home Nation teams. It was first used in 1883, but a trophy was only introduced in 2006.
For 2026, Ireland won the Triple Crown, having defeated England 42-21, Wales 27-17, and Scotland 43-21. Ireland has retained the Triple Crown since 2022; however, since no team won the Triple Crown in 2024, Ireland held onto it by default.
14 March 2026; Ireland captain Caelan Doris lifts the Triple Crown trophy after his side’s victory in the Guinness 6 Nations Rugby Championship match between Ireland and Scotland at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin. Photo by Brendan Moran/Sportsfile
Six Nations Championship Trophy
And we saved the biggest and arguably the most important trophy for last. The current Six Nations Championship trophy was introduced in 2015 and is awarded to the team with the highest amount of points on the table, after the fifth and final round. The winning team for 2026 was France, with 21 points. France also won the trophy in 2025 for the first time since 2022.
France’s win over England in Paris clinched the Six Nations rugby union title for the second straight year. (Getty Images: Catherine Steenkeste)
So, if you have been keeping score, the results from 2025 and 2026 look like this:
As you can see, France, Ireland, and Scotland have ended up with three trophies each, with Italy collecting one. Now, if you ask me who won the tournament and who came last, I would easily say unto you that France was the winner, as they came first, and Wales finished last.
However, if you asked me who the biggest winners and losers of the tournament were, I would give you different answers. Firstly, in my humble opinion, for the biggest winner(s), France has not changed since last year; as they finished first again, with 21 points, and collected three trophies (Yes, they did lose the Auld Alliance Trophy, but they gained the Solidarity Trophy).
Ireland started with three trophies and finished with the same three trophies, but also moved from third last year to second this year, so to me, they are the same, even achieving the same amount of points: 19.
So, what’s the answer? It’s Scotland and Italy, that’s who. I’ll explain. Like I said before, France and Ireland’s performances in 2026 are nearly identical to last year’s performances. Yes, both teams are amazing, but they haven’t improved. They both won four games and lost one.
Compare them to Scotland, which finished fourth last year with two trophies, two wins, three losses, and 11 points. And when measured against 2026’s results, we see that Scotland has improved. They ended up with three trophies, three wins, two losses, and 16 points.
In 2025, Italy finished fifth on the table, with no trophies, one win, four losses, and five points. Compared to this year, Italy finished fourth on the table, with one trophy, two wins, three losses, and nine points. To me, Scotland and Italy are the only two teams that have really improved since last year.
Alright, who is the biggest loser then? Again, it’s easy to point to Wales, because they finished last. Let’s examine Wales’ results last year as well. In 2025, Wales finished sixth (last) on three points, with no trophies, no wins, and five losses; but in 2026, Wales finished sixth again, but with six points, no trophies, one win, and four losses. That is a slight improvement.
No, the real loser of the tournament is England. The evidence is this: last year England finished second on the table with 20 points, one trophy, four wins, and one loss; however, in 2026, they finished fifth with eight points, no trophies, one win, and four losses. You can call Wales’ campaign as poor, but England’s was a disaster.
It was their worst result since the tournament became the Six Nations in 2000, and also the first time since 1987 that England had only secured one win in any of the Five Nations or Six Nations Championships. I’m honestly surprised Steve Borthwick has not been fired as coach yet, or that Maro Itoje has not been sacked as captain. I’m allowed to say this because New Zealand rugby is not in a good way at the moment, as well.
Again, just to be clear, I think Ireland and France are extremely dangerous teams that can beat anybody in the world, as they are ranked third and fourth on the World Rankings. New Zealand is very wary of them. The Women’s Six Nations Championship starts on 11th April, so we also need to keep track of that. Will the Red Roses win the championship again? I have no idea, but probably.
And that is another blog post for another week. Did you watch any of the Men’s Six Nations matches? As always, please let me know. Thanks again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, and I hope you enjoyed the equinox. Next week’s blog post has changed because of recent news, but I’ll explain all of that next time. Look after yourself, and I’ll see you on Monday.
I was thinking the other day about what brilliant subject I could write about for the next blog post, when I realised that the decision had already been made for me. Yes, dear fans, it’s that time in the cycle when the greatest scientific communication of our age comes back for another round of fantastic nonsense. I have heard your prayers, and they have been answered!
Your waiting is over, for Some Geek Told Me’s Tour of the Solar System has returned once again for 2026. I know, the anticipation is immense. For previous courageous instalments, please see the list below:
For those of you who are counting, this is my 25th entry in the tour that nobody asks for. The world seems determined to tear itself apart, but rest assured, the quality of this account is still poor, just the way you like it. The new entry is about Charon, which I briefly mentioned last time, so without further time wasting, away we go!
Credit: NASA
I wasn’t sure if I would ever reach Charon. I thought I would have given up by now, but here we are. We’re going to break this celestial object down, just like the others, because that’s what happens on this account: a lot of repetition and bad jokes.
As discussed on the last tour stop on New Zealand’s fifth least favourite website, Charon is one of five known moons of Pluto, and it’s also the largest. Charon’s relationship with Pluto is much like a one-night stand without contraception; this is important, and it’s going to come back. We’ll discuss this later in a safe space.
Charon has a diameter of 1,212 km, which works out to be just over half of Pluto’s diameter. For the record, having a moon which is half the size of its parent planet is extremely odd. Like freaky odd. For comparison, the distance is roughly the same as travelling from Rome, Italy, to Tilburg, in the Netherlands. Charon is small, but it can still beat Ceres in a wrestling match, as well as being the 12th-largest moon in the Solar System.
Much like the discovery of penicillin, Charon’s discovery was by accident. In 1978, James Christy, an astronomer at the U.S. Naval Observatory, had been observing Pluto to refine and determine Pluto’s orbit around the Sun. After looking at some photographic plates, Christy noticed an elongated blob.
The way I understand it, Christy consulted another astronomer at the observatory, Robert Harrington. Together, they discovered photographic plates of Pluto dating back to 1965, with the same elongated blob. The blob turned out to be Charon, Pluto’s first discovered moon.
If you’re up on your Greek mythology, you would have recognised Charon as being named after the delightful gentleman, whose job was to ferry departed souls across the River Styx and Acheron, to the Underworld, which was ruled over by…Hades, the Greek equivalent of Pluto. Coincidentally, you may have also heard of the ancient custom of placing coins on the eyes of a corpse, as the money would serve as payment for Charon, to transport their soul.
Mosiac of New Horizons MVIC color observations of Charon obtained during the final 6.4 day rotation on approach to the system during July 7-14, shown in polar orthographic projection. Image by NASA/Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory/Southwest Research Institute
Remember that one-night stand from before? Well, the results are in, and congratulations, you’re going to be a parent! Charon orbits Pluto at a distance of roughly 19,640 km, which, in cosmic terms, is stalker-level status. This is only the start of Pluto and Charon’s freaky relationship.
To explain this, we need to take a sip of hot chocolate and concentrate, because we need to discuss Pluto’s barycenter. A barycenter, to the best of my understanding, is the most common centre of mass around which two or more cosmic objects orbit. These can include stars, planets, dwarf planets, and moons.
It can be referred to as the balance point, where gravity holds objects together within a system. This usually means the barycenter is located closer to the cosmic object with more mass, which can sometimes be located outside of the larger object. Earth’s barycenter with the Moon is situated within the Earth, about 4,671 km from its centre. Since the barycenter is not at the exact centre of the Earth, the Earth’s centre of mass follows a small, wobbly path around this point.
Another example is with the Sun-Earth barycenter, which can be found 449 km from the Sun’s centre, but it’s still inside the Sun. Since the Sun is so much larger than the Earth, the Sun also experiences a slight wobble. However, the Pluto-Charon barycenter is, once again, odd, because the point that they both orbit around is found not within Pluto, but rather outside of it.
This has led to both Pluto and Charon being mutually tidally locked to each other, which is another way of explaining that the same surfaces of Pluto and Charon are always facing each other. For more comparison, the Moon is tidally locked to Earth, but the Earth is not locked to the Moon.
Because of these facts, Pluto and Charon are sometimes referred to as a “double dwarf planet” binary system.
Charon orbits Pluto every 6.4 Earth days, with an orbital speed of 0.21 to 0.23 km/s, which, in the scale of the Solar System, is quite slow. The distance from the Sun to Charon is also remarkable, with an average measurement of 5.9 billion km. Sometimes with distance and numbers like these, it’s easier to accept it and move on.
Charon has a huge fracture system, unlike anything seen on Pluto. NASA/Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory/Southwest Research Institute
Much like Voyager 2 providing information about Triton, New Horizons‘ flyby in 2015 has gifted humanity with some extraordinary information, data, and images of Pluto’s largest moon. That’s all well and good, but is there anything else we could learn about Charon? Be careful what you wish for.
Let’s talk about Charon’s geology. Its age is believed to be around 4.5 billion years old, but to be honest, it doesn’t look a million years over 3.8 billion. The surface is very active, and is covered with water ice, canyons, carters, and some pretty gnarly names of surface features. These include, but are not limited to, Tardis Chasma, Nostromo Chasma, Kirk, Organa, Ripley, Tintin, Skywalker, Spock, Sulu, Vader, Kurbrick Mons, Gallifrey Macula, Vulcan Planitia, and, of course, the Neverland Regio, which was formerly nicknamed, Mordor Macula.
Charon’s polar cap, the Neverland Regio, is famous for being a massive reddish-brown area at its north pole. This region is made up of tholins, which are dark organic compounds. The colour comes from methane escaping from Pluto, which becomes trapped at Charon’s cold and dark pole during its decades-long winter. During this time, this methane is transformed into red, complex hydrocarbons by solar wind and ultraviolet radiation.
Other equally cool facts about Charon are:
Charon is believed to be too small to sustain a permanent atmosphere, but it does have a crazy 120° axial tilt.
Because Charon is mutually tidally locked with Pluto, it shares Pluto’s 248-year orbit around the Sun.
Each season on Charon can last over 60 years.
The average surface temperature is roughly -230°C, while during winter, it can drop even further to -258°C.
Evidence on Charon’s surface suggests it had ancient cryovolcanic activity.
Charon is a curious little ice ball, but it is still part of our family, and we love it. What is your favourite fact about Charon? As always, please let me know.
I appreciate you continuing to join me on this fascinating tour. The narration is pathetic, but the views are amazing. Thank you for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. My Twitter and Mastodon accounts are still active, pumping out non-award-winning content daily; you should check them out.
Please remember to walk your dog, read a banned book, don’t bomb schools, and I’ll see you next week for the Six Nations winners update. Stop it, I know you love it.
Using the way-back machine, let’s travel back to 2022, where I wrote about various reviews of two television shows that I hadn’t seen at the time. I thought it was overdue to revisit this concept, but instead of writing about another television show, we’re going to look at a movie. This sounds like another excellent idea, like fire-proof matches, or ejector seats in helicopters.
We are spoiled for choice, as we are surrounded by a collection of motion pictures, whether they are shown at the cinema or through various streaming services. What an age to live in!
However, considering her spouse, the U.S. president, the Board of Peace chairman, the winner of the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize, the recent recipient of a hand-me-down Nobel Peace Prize, and convicted felony, Donald Trump, has been busy bombing Iran, I thought it would be fitting to look at Melania Trump’s movie, Melania.
Let’s establish something first. I can think of no conceivable reason why I would ever watch, Melania. Seriously, I don’t want to watch it. If I were on a long-haul flight, and I had no book, with the movie stuck on repeat, then maybe. A big maybe.
So, how does someone review a movie that they have no intention of ever watching? The answer is very simple; I read what other people have said. I had a staff meeting about this subject, and the consensus was that we should try to be fair and neutral. However, sometimes we can be biased, and today is one of those days.
Melania premiered on 29th January 2026, with a budget of US$40 million, and has made US$16.6 million worldwide, which technically makes it a flop. From what I understand, the film covers Melania’s movements and experiences around the last 20 days leading up to the second inauguration of everybody’s favourite president, Donald Trump. Sounds action-packed stuff, right?
And with that, let’s make it so!
‘Melania’ movie posters vandalized across LA. Credit: Fox 11 News
I enjoy reading humorous reviews as much as the next person, so this was a fun experience for me, unlike smelling an open bag of Sour Cream and Chives from 500 m away. Gross.
Because you demand nothing but the best from this wayward literary venture, I have collected some of the funniest reviews for Melania and have tried to group them accordingly, because I can, and it looks neat. Also, I am aware of review bombing, so thank you in advance for the heads up.
Rotten Tomatoes: (Accurate for 5th March 2026)
11% Tomatometer
98% Audience Score
Coleman Spilde: Salon.com 7th February 2026
This documentary doesn’t absolve any sins; it highlights them. “Melania” taunts the viewer and takes glee in the assumption that they can’t do anything about it.
Joseph Robinson: Fish Jelly Films (YouTube) 6th February 2026
More PR campaign than personal portrait, Melania is an astonishingly dull documentary that masquerades as a glamorous immigrant story while offering little insight beyond carefully curated image-making.
Robert Denerstein: Denerstein Unleashed 4th February 2026
By any critical standards I’m familiar with, I’ll tell you that Melania isn’t much of a documentary; it’s more like a plush Life Styles of the Rich and Famous episode that bleeds into a chorus of booming triumphalism centering on Trump’s inauguration.
Amy Nicholson: Los Angeles Times 3rd February 2026
Melania” plays like a sizzle reel for her post-political (post-spousal?) future career in which she may rouse herself to be a guest judge on a reality competition show.
Calum Cooper: Cinerama Film 3rd February 2026
Melania is shambolic, putrid, pitiful garbage: A brazen, awkward, irredeemable infomercial that ignores truth and scrutiny in favour of performative humility. It’s not just wretched – it’s offensive to the collective intelligence of the human race.
Donald Clarke: Irish Times 31st January 2026
No good impression emerges of the former Slovenian model. No bad impression emerges either. Ratner’s film achieves, rather, a sort of passive distance – as you might get by pointing a camera, for close to two hours, at a waterfall or a wheat field.
IMDb: (Accurate for 5th March 2026)
1.4/10 rating
Sleepin_Dragon: 1/10 rating 30th January 2026
I can’t pretend I sat through this to the end. There was only so much I could take, and as we left the cinema, the screen itself was empty. That probably says everything I need to say about this dire ….movie.
meltymark: 1/10 rating 30th January 2026
I’m not a political person, politics are disgusting to me on both sides of the isle and I understand Melania is not a politician and deserves some respect and dignity like all other people… but
This was not only boring, but it was also incredibly painful to watch. It reminded me of the feeling you get when a boss or person in authority is bragging about themselves and you have to just take it and act like it doesn’t repulse you and your body language and whole being just can’t take it to the point of it making you physically ill.
andrew-lundberg-1970: 1/10 rating 31st January 2026
Everything about this film is pure tragedy, and not in a meaningful or intentional way. It’s dull, self-important, and completely devoid of insight, as if it mistakes moodiness for depth and emptiness for sophistication. The pacing drags, the storytelling goes nowhere, and whatever point it thinks it’s making never arrives. If I could give it less than one star, I would. Don’t waste your time, your money, or your patience on this hollow mess.
mbvqp: 1/10 rating 1st February 2026
Melania” is an utter WASTE OF TIME and MONEY-hands down the WORST MOVIE I’ve ever seen. Its disjointed plot, uninspired performances, and cringeworthy ridiculous dialogue make it a tedious chore to sit through. Rather than offering insight, it delivers a bland, utterly uninspiring experience that adds absolutely nothing to the broader discourse. Please do yourself an enormous favour and SKIP THIS DISASTER entirely. You’ll be glad that you did!
rppratings: 1/10 rating 5th February 2026
Melania is less of a movie and more of a painfully long exercise in boredom. Calling it hollow would be generous – this film is a glossy, lifeless shell with absolutely nothing inside. It drags, it stalls, it goes nowhere, and somehow still feels longer than its runtime. Watching paint dry would’ve delivered more emotional payoff.
The “story,” if you can even call it that, is buried under endless slow shots, awkward silence, and a level of stiffness that makes mannequins look expressive. Every moment that should feel revealing or meaningful instead feels cold, staged, and completely devoid of humanity. It’s not mysterious – it’s empty.
The dialogue is flat, the pacing is brutal, and the entire thing feels like a stretched-out PR video nobody asked for. By the end, I wasn’t frustrated, I wasn’t moved – I was just stunned that something so expensive-looking could be so painfully pointless.
Melania isn’t just bad – it’s spectacularly, monumentally dull. A beautiful wrapper around absolutely nothing. A total waste of time.
JoshuaT-253: 1/10 rating 19th February 2026
There is nothing harder to describe than a movie that is simply dull and uninteresting. I could sit here and describe how nothing happens for close to 80% of the time. Just a lady sitting around waiting for things to happen. She then travels from place to place multiple times in great and tedious detail with nothing to show for it than more waiting to travel to yet another place. It has almost zero content, nothing to hold interest or to connect with at all.
…No doubt there is a great documentary to be made about Melania Knauss, the ambitious model from out of Slovenia who married a New York real-estate mogul and then found herself cast in the role of a latter-day Eva Braun, but the horrific Melania emphatically isn’t it. It’s one of those rare, unicorn films that doesn’t have a single redeeming quality. I’m not even sure it qualifies as a documentary, exactly, so much as an elaborate piece of designer taxidermy, horribly overpriced and ice-cold to the touch and proffered like a medieval tribute to placate the greedy king on his throne.
…Last night, I left an empty chickpea can on my counter. When I came back 30 minutes later, small, black bugs had swarmed the tin and were crawling over my sink. I would rather relive that moment a hundred times over than have to watch another minute of the movie Melania.
…Cameras followed Melania in the twenty days leading up to Trump’s second Inauguration. About nineteen of them seem to have been devoted to planning Melania’s big event, a candlelit dinner for MAGA backers and bagmen, including Bezos. Chef Chris’s menu opens with a “golden egg and caviar,” an event planner says. At this point, you think that “Melania” has broken the fourth wall, that the far-too-obvious symbolism is about to be acknowledged and then punctured or dismissed. But, no, the gilded hors d’œuvres are for real, even if, as a metaphor, they are at best incomplete. With “Melania,” you get the brittle shell, but none of the rich internal goo that makes for a compelling portrait.
…People will tell you to remember that this is just a documentary and that’s why it’s boring, but that’s just plain wrong. This documentary shows no historical value other than “my husband became the president.” I would not show this to my children because I see no role model. If I want to show my kids a documentary, I’d choose one with a more empowering figure, someone they can look up to and strive to be.
…I cannot recommend “Melania” as a good movie or even an interesting one. It has the feel of a soothingly looped AI screen saver, a trance-inducing spell where nothing matters so long as your high heels aren’t hurting your feet. Yet against all odds, there is a truth in her SUV-to-tarmac-to-SUV-to-tarmac insularity. Future historians will be glad to have “Melania” as a lens into this moment in time. Like everything she touches, it’s a costly artifact.
…Melania is a documentary that never comes to life. It’s a “portrait” of the First Lady of the United States, but it’s so orchestrated and airbrushed and stage-managed that it barely rises to the level of a shameless infomercial. Is it cheesy? At moments, but mostly it’s inert. It feels like it’s been stitched together out of the most innocuous outtakes from a reality show. There’s no drama to it. It should have been called “Day of the Living Tradwife.
Melania many go down in history as one of the least revealing documentaries ever made. But if you’ve never watched the First Lady get on and off a plane, Brett Ratner’s got a movie for you.
…Melania is like a horror film with nothing scary in it, or a crime thriller with no twists, or an action film with no fighting. It is a documentary with no interest in exploring its central figure beneath her most superficial level. It is incomprehensibly empty.
But I think the best review I have discovered is this:
Couldn’t hear what the hell was going on during the film because the whole theater was filled with dudes in red hats sucking each other off load af.
Now, in the interests of being fair, not every single Melania review is negative; some, in fact, praise the film. Different strokes for different folks, though. Should you watch the film or give it a pass? I would give it a hard pass, not even to watch it, to decry it.
It goes for a general rule of thumb for any comic, book, movie, TV show, computer game, music, chip flavour or documentary; don’t listen to anybody else’s review or opinion. If you want to experience a product, go and experience it yourself; that way, you’ll always know. If you like it, then praise the living hell out of it; if not, then go the other way.
To quote one of the 90’s greatest arse-kickers, “The power is yours!”
And that, dear friends, brings another jam-packed blog post filled with mystery to a close. Also, regardless of what happens with Trump’s non-war with Iran, Iran is due to play all of its group games of the FIFA World Cup in the United States, with the first game against us, New Zealand, on 15th June. Who knows if Trump will let them into the country or if there will be a boycott? Who knows?
Thanks again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, go watch The Creator, and I’ll see you next week.
It’s nice to be reassured that the important things in this crazy old world never change; Jonathan Pie keeps holding back on telling us how he really feels; Donald Trump has exonerated himself; and New Zealand’s second most popular conspiracy theorist, Brian Tamaki, is still fighting against non-Christian immigration. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’ve been meaning to write about Parkrun for the last few months, and this week’s blog post has been rewarded with that honour. Yay. I’ve written some truly inspiring blog posts about running, so it’s a wonder you haven’t read or heard about them. What’s that? You haven’t? Oh, never mind, nobody is perfect, except for Chuck Norris.
And with that hard-hitting introduction, let’s embark on a journey of self-discovery and punishment, as only those who suffer through running can truly understand.
SPOILER: This is not a paid advertisement. I’m not popular enough for any of that.
Credit: Parkrun
If you’re like me and walk around completely oblivious to the things other people take for granted, you may have never heard of Parkrun. Until August 2025, I had never either. It wasn’t until our small free community weekly newspaper was advertising it, that I took notice of it.
So, Scott, spit it out. What is Parkrun? No, it’s not a new name with Generation Alpha children that’s trending; far from it. Parkrun is a fun run, though some people believe the words “fun” and “run” should never be in the same sentence. Basically, Parkrun is a weekly 5 km fun run that is managed by volunteers for walkers and runners.
And that’s another blog post for another week. Thanks again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please don’t forget to walk…as if.
Parkrun was introduced in the United Kingdom in 2004 by Paul Sinton-Hewitt, but now has spread to over 26 countries, with over 10 million participants. As I said earlier, it is run by volunteers who organise the weekly 5 km runs, which are timed events for walkers and runners.
There are over 2,000 locations worldwide and over 60 locations in good, old New Zealand. I feel rather special because, as I said earlier, I had never heard of Parkrun until last year. I was only 21 years late, which is quite good for me. I’m planning on ditching dial-up internet soon, because this broadband thing seems to be popular.
Anyway, my town has a Parkrun, and wouldn’t you know it, the circuit is 5 km. Well, to be honest, I don’t know if the course is exactly 5 km, but the course consists of three laps, so maybe the course is a few metres off, but what’s five metres between friends? If you haven’t done Parkrun before, I can explain what it’s like, though I haven’t been to another course.
During the summer months, the run starts at 8 am, which is a shock to the system for a Saturday. I only live a 15-minute walk from the course, so that’s (un)lucky. Before the run starts, there’s always a meeting for the first timers, where they run through what to expect and how it operates.
The deal is that it’s free to run; however, since it’s a timed event, you need a barcode that allows your time to be recorded. To secure one, you go to the Parkrun website and register your details. You’re given a barcode, where you can download it to your phone, or, as I did, print it off and carry it in your pocket.
You can invest in other options like cards and wristbands, but they all cost. Since my barcode is looking very tatty and battered, I may one day save up for a wristband. Sadly, I’m not cool enough for that yet. Sorry, I’m like a middle-aged geek at a library, I get distracted too much. Focus, Scott, get back on track. The barcode works like this: at the finish of the race, and if you want to have an official time, you run through the chute.
People are recording the time as you cross the line, and then there will be someone handing out tokens with a barcode on them. The next step is crucial, as I usually give the people the wrong item. You will have two items in your hands now: your barcode, in whatever form that takes (print for me), and a plastic token.
At the end of the chute, there will be a third group of people waiting for you. You will give them your barcode to be scanned, and they will return it to you once this is done. Next, you will hand over the plastic token for scanning; however, you will not get this token back, as it will be recycled for the following week.
Since the run is only 5 km, runners and walkers of all abilities start at the same time, which means everyone is competing at once. The final step is to wait for the results. I believe you receive the results via email in under 90 minutes. However, for me, it’s a hollow victory.
The results contain several pieces of information
Your official race time (Also, if this time was your new personal best).
The total number of races you have competed in.
The number of races you have competed in at that venue.
Your overall placing against all of the competitors.
Your overall placing against all of the competitors in your gender group.
Your placing overall against all of the competitors in your gender and age group.
These results are a great way to gauge your progress each week, but there’s one key statistic that I haven’t discussed. Along with the others, there is an age-graded score, which is a percentage. All of the other statistics made sense, and I could understand them, but not the age-graded score. I made the mistake of clicking on the link that would explain it.
All parkrun events use age grading to allow parkrunners to compare results. Age grading takes your time and uses the world record time for your gender and age to produce a score (a percentage).
Age Grades are calculated to allow rough comparisons between our participants, and should not be taken too seriously. For example, age grading makes no allowance for different weather conditions or the varying terrains of our courses.
We do not share the actual table used to perform the calculations but it is loosely based on the tables produced by WMA, previously known as WAVA.
Finally parkrun age grade values are based on established, international proxy metrics, which are currently only available for male and female categories. Should a participant select “prefer not to say” or “another gender identity”, gender-related data will be absent.
In other words, your effort is graded against elite local, national, and international athletes. No matter how amazing your run was, even with the other finishing results, scoring under 60% humbles you a lot. Also, it’s a hell of a thing to have a 60-year-old woman and a 10-year-old boy pass you. It really builds up your self-esteem and confidence.
I find it interesting when you get to expect particular people to pass you each week, when you’ve been there enough times. Sometimes they pass me on the third lap, and I feel I’m doing well. However, the opposite is true when they pass me on the first lap, and I feel instantly defeated. Yay.
For a free weekly event, Parkrun is fast becoming a staple in my life, and even though each week you are racing against other runners, and of course, yourself, I’m still enjoying it. And in this topsy-turvy world, finding something that challenges you and makes you happy, for whatever reasons, can’t be a bad thing. If you haven’t tried Parkrun, once again, do yourself a favour and give it a go.
Have you done Parkrun before? What are your thoughts? As always, please let me know.
Thanks again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, watch the ICC Men’s T20 World Cup semi-finals (Go, New Zealand!) and final, and I’ll see you next week for the review of a movie I never want to see.
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