Six Star Wars characters that no longer exist

On July 12, 2021August 2, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Books, Comics, Movies, Television

I want to talk about some Star Wars characters. Why? Because I find it fascinating that these characters no longer exist; if they ever really existed at all. Now you can raise your hand and confess to be a fan of Star Wars movies and that’s fine; so am I. However, what I’m going to be talking about are characters from the Star Wars Expanded Universe.¹

Since Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi was released in 1983, there have been many stories continuing the adventures of Luke, Leia, Han and the rest of the gang. This has been through different media like novels, comic books, and video games; created and released by different companies, but all under the Lucasfilm licensing umbrella.

There have been decades of stories within the Star Wars universe, after the Return of the Jedi. Seriously, mountains of novels, comic books and video games; all expanding the mythos of Star Wars. Some highlights in the comics for me were Dark Empire, Dark Empire II, Empire’s End, Crimson Empire and Legacy.

There were also massive storylines within the novels of The New Jedi Order, Legacy of the Force and Fate of the Jedi, as well as introducing readers to survivors of the Great Jedi Purge, Grand Admiral Thrawn and the Yuuzhan Vong.

This changed in 2012, when Disney purchased Lucasfilm; which meant Disney owned Star Wars; which meant Disney had the ability to create new content, as well as erase content; for good or for ill.

Image by Andrew Martin from Pixabay

The Star Wars Expanded Universe was about to change in a major way, because the way I understand it, there are two Star Wars universes now: Star Wars Canon and Star Wars Legends. The Star Wars Canon universe relates to all of the Star Wars movies (Episodes I-VI), but also the original content that Disney was creating, in the media of novels, comic books, video games and movies (Episodes VII-IX, plus Rogue One, Solo: A Star Wars Story) and television shows.

Star Wars Legends relates to the original content of novels, comic books and video games, that were published or released before the acquisition of Lucasfilm by Disney. Basically, what I’m trying very badly to say is that when Disney purchased Star Wars, they decided to start with a clean slate after Episode IV, by ignoring or not recognising previous storylines and characters, thus giving birth to Star Wars Canon (Disney) and Star Wars Legends (Not Disney).

Hopefully that makes sense. The idea about this blog post in particular, is to draw attention to the fact that I love Star Wars far too much; but also to address the point that some important characters in Star Wars Legends, no longer exist in Star Wars Canon. Namely six of them, though to be fair, there are many, many more.

These six Star Wars Legends characters, at least to me; are extremely important and are greatly missed in Disney’s new version of Star Wars. So, let’s crack on and see who makes the list! The six characters can be divided into two families: The Solos and the Skywalkers, so three from each family. I’ll try and keep these summaries short and sweet, though there are no guarantees.

The Solos:

Jaina Solo Fel

Jaina is the daughter of Han and Leia Organa Solo, twin sister to Jacen and older sister to Anakin. Because of her family’s connection to the Force, she was revealed to be Force-sensitive. Jaina was eventually sent to the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV, to be trained by her uncle, Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.

Over the years, Jaina became a formidable pilot and Jedi, taking the title of Sword of the Jedi, at her knighting ceremony, from her Uncle Luke. She fought in the Yuuzhan Vong War and also in the Second Galactic Civil War. It was during this time, that her twin brother Jacen, fell to the Dark Side and became Darth Caedus.

After committing some terrible crimes and trying to take over the galaxy, Darth Caedus was killed by Jaina in a lightsabre duel. Later on, Jaina married Jagged Fel, fought against a new Sith threat and Abeloth, fought against extremism within the New Republic and rose to the rank of Jedi Master.

Image via Hero and Villains Wiki

So why is Jaina on this list? Jaina is what the epitome of what a good Jedi should be. She was tempted by the Dark Side, but she never fell to it; and she had the courage to stand up to her twin brother, when he fell to the Dark Side.

In a stretch, Rey from the sequel trilogy, could be described as Jaina; but like I said, it’s a stretch. For me, Jaina always strode to uphold the ideals of the Jedi, as well trying to put other people’s needs, before her own. Jaina also never wanted to split her allegiances between the Jedi Order and her love interest in Jagged Fel, though in time, she found a way to balance these emotions.

Jaina was an arse-kicker and a strong female character in the Star Wars mythos, so she remains greatly missed in the new Canon universe.

Jacen Solo

Jacen is the eldest son of Han and Leia Organa Solo, twin brother to Jaina and older brother to Anakin. Just like Jaina, he was Force-sensitive and sent to train with his Uncle Luke, at the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV.

Jacen became a Jedi knight and fought in the Yuuzhan Vong War, but was captured and tortured. During this time, he began to slip closer to the Dark Side, but returned to the Light Side. He escaped and helped bring about the fall of the Yuuzhan Vong Empire.

After this, Jacen spent some time traveling, but received a vision about a dark figure ruling the galaxy. Jacen took this threat seriously and after learning about his young daughter, Allana, he turned to the Dark Side to fulfil his destiny, as the apprentice to Lumiya, the Dark Lady of the Sith. It was here had became Darth Caedus.

As Darth Caedus, he murdered his Aunt Mara, tortured his cousin and committed numerous other crimes. In the end, Jacen was killed by Jaina, in a lightsabre duel, in order to save the galaxy.

Image via The Star Wars Legends Wiki

There are many similarities between Jacen and Kylo Ren, and also with Anakin Skywalker. Like Anakin, Jacen tried to prevent something from happening, but only made it worse; and like Kylo Ren, Jacen was a child of Leia and Han. It’s interesting to point out, that all three characters are fallen heroes, but they all redeemed themselves before dying.

Witnessing Jacen falling to the Dark Side and becoming Darth Caedus, was like watching a car crash in slow motion, it was painful and sorrowful to see him transform and commit acts of evil. Though, I think that was the quality of the character; you had read about his birth and his childhood, so you felt some connection to him, because of the amount of time, you had spent with him.

Then to read about him becoming Darth Caedus, was a kick in the stomach; but I think that was the point. To care about a fictional character enough, that you hoped he could redeem himself in the next story. Jacen was an amazing character, because he reminded us, even heroes can lose their way; though they always find their way back.

Anakin Solo

Because of the way you are brought up, you are taught principles by your family. Those principles can turn into action, which in turn can have consequences. There is no greater example of this, than Anakin Solo. As well as you have already unraveled, Anakin Solo is the youngest child of Han and Leia Organa Solo and younger brother to Jaina and Jacen.

Because he was named after his paternal grandfather², Anakin had a lot to live up to. Just like his siblings, he was revealed to be Force-sensitive and sent to the Jedi Academy with Uncle Luke. Anakin often feared he would fall to the Dark Side, just like his name sake.

When the Yuuzhan Vong invaded the galaxy, Chewbacca sacrificed his life to save Anakin. This created tension between Anakin and his father, because Han blamed Anakin for Chewbacca’s death, which they later resolved; but it planted the seed of Anakin trying to live up to Chewbacca’s sacrifice.

Since Anakin was a fierce Jedi knight and a great leader, he was involved in several missions against the Yuuzhan Vong. Among other factors, the Yuuzhan Vong then started targeting Jedi for attacks.

During the war, the Yuuzhan Vong started using creatures called Voxyn, which could track Jedi down through the Force. Jedi were being assassinated across the galaxy, which led Anakin to lead a mission to Myrkr, kill the Voxyn Queen.

During the mission, Anakin was badly wounded and fought off a group of Yuuzhan Vong, while the rest of his team escaped. He killed several Yuuzhan Vong, but ultimately, he was killed.

Image via Star Wars Wookieepedia

I think Anakin’s death was always destined, but it still was hard to accept, because just like his siblings, you had watched him grow up. Not having Anakin in the new Canon universe, some what lessens it, because of the huge, but short role he played as a hero. This however is counter balanced by his legacy and inspiring others to follow in his footsteps.

Jaina, Jacen and Anakin can not exist in the new Canon Star Wars universe, because in that version, Leia and Han only had one child: Ben Solo; and not three.

The Skywalkers:

Mara Jade Skywalker

Ok, we are half way there! The next entry is the first Skywalker on the list. Her name is Mara Jade Skywalker and she was Luke Skywalker’s wife and also mother to Ben Skywalker. Mara is an interesting character, since she has not always aligned herself with the Light Side of the Force, since she was Force-sensitive.

During the First Galactic Civil War, Mara worked as the Emperor’s Hand, which was a special operative that basically worked off the books and answered directly to the Emperor. Just before his death, Palpatine ordered Mara to kill Luke Skywalker, but instead she left.

Mara became a smuggler and eventually, she crossed paths with Luke. Over time and working together on different missions; as well as training at the Jedi Academy, they fell in love and were married. Mara was heavily involved in the Yuuzhan Vong War, after immersing herself within the Jedi Order.

She later became a mother to Ben, achieved the rank of Jedi Master and took on Jaina Solo as her apprentice. After the Yuuzhan Vong War ended, Mara continued to serve the galaxy, facing new threats. Mara also served in the Second Galactic Civil War and then hunting down Lumiya, the Dark Lady of the Sith.

When Mara discovered her nephew, Jacen had become Darth Caedus, she saw him not just as a threat to her family, but the entire galaxy. Because of this, she went and confronted him, where she was killed.

Image via Pinterest

Mara was extremely loyal to her husband, son, the Jedi Order and the galaxy. She was such a bad arse, that because of her Imperial combat and weapons training, she had a set of skills other Jedi, simply did not have.

She was simply an outstanding character, especially for her redemption arc; which detailed her journey from the Dark Side to the Light. Her life was one of the highlights of the Legends universe and she is still greatly missed among fans.

Ben Skywalker

So we have looked at Luke’s wife, now let’s look at his son, Ben. He is obviously Luke and Mara Jade Skywalker’s son and cousin to Jaina, Jacen and Anakin. Also, if you haven’t figured it out yet, Ben is named after Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi, Luke’s first Jedi Master.

Growing up as a Skywalker, was not easy; especially when your father was the famous Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Ben was born during the Yuuzhan Vong War and because his parents were fighting them, he spent a large amount of time with his Aunty Leia and Uncle Han.

Because he was a Skywalker, he was Force-sensitive, but he closed himself off to the Force during the conflict. When he was studying under his cousin Jacen, he started to learn how to open himself up to the Force.

As time went by, Ben grew into a very capable Jedi knight and had to deal with Jacen’s transformation to Darth Caedus, as well as his mother’s murder. Year later, Luke was exiled from Coruscant, because he failed to prevent Darth Caedus from rising. Because of this, Luke and Ben started to investigate why Jacen turned to the Dark Side, in addition to fight against a backlash of public anger at the Jedi.

Along the way, Ben discovered a long lost tribe of the Sith, hidden away for centuries; fight a powerful Force-powered creature called Abeloth; and fell in love with Vestara Khai, a Sith apprentice

Image via Star Wars Wookieepedia

In the new Canon universe, we have Ben Solo; although he is more based on Jacen, than Ben Skywalker. I miss Ben, because it was fascinating to read about Ben’s journey and connection with the Force. To me, he was very observant, compassionate, loyal, intelligent and helped to build bridges with people and relationships. He even taught his parents things that were not Force related. He was a very relatable and positive character.

Cade Skywalker

Cade Skywalker is an unique entry on this list. To the best of my ability, I believe he is the only one whose first appearance was in a comic book, Star Wars: Legacy and not a novel. Star Wars: Legacy was set 137 years after the Battle of Yavin aka 137 ABY, so this allowed the creators a lot more room to build new worlds and characters.

Cade is Ben Skywalker’s grandson, though he would be visited/lectured by his great-grandfather, Luke Skywalker as a Force-spirit. Cade was raised in the Jedi Order, but one day, the order was attacked by the newly forged One Sith; which was a new Sith Order. Cade’s father, Kol was killed in the attack, so Cade turned his back on the Jedi. Eventually he became a bounty hunter and pirate with his crew, on his ship the Mynock.

The galaxy was ruled by the Sith Lord, Darth Krayt and because of various connected storylines, Cade is somewhat put on a collision course with him and the rest of the other Sith lords. There is a lot more to Cade’s story and his misadventures with Legacy, but I really want to focus on Cade himself.

Cade’s an unique character, because he can walk dangerous close to the Dark Side, but has no desire or intention to ever crave its power. He is an extremely power Force user, displaying abilities that are truly amazing and surreal.

Cade had left the Jedi and Sith behind in his old life and really didn’t want to be dragged into galactic politics; he just wanted the free and easy life. But, as some of the characters on this list discovered, that if you have the ability to fight for the powerless, to stand against evil, then it’s something you have to do, even it’s at the bottom of your list. That’s Cade.

Image via Comicvine and Dark Horse Comics

I really enjoyed this era of Star Wars, because the Empire has began benevolent; the One Sith Order were the most dangerous and remarkable group of Sith, you had ever seen; Imperial knights had white lightsabres; and Cade, the heir to the Skywalker name, walked the path between the Light and Dark Sides of the Force.

Although one thing was certain, you would find it difficult to locate anybody that hated the Sith more than Cade Skywalker.

The reasons Mara Jade, Ben and Cade, no longer exist in the new Canon universe, is because Luke never married; so he never met Mara, so Ben was never born; thus Cade was never born.

Whether you are a fan of Legends or the new Canon universe; or maybe both of them, Jaina, Jacen, Anakin, Mara Jade, Ben and Cade are beloved characters that sadly, we will never get to read any new adventures about them.³

The great thing is, if you miss them enough, you can just visit the book shelf or comic book collection to see them again. They will be waiting for you like old friends, in a galaxy far, far away.

May the Force be with you and I’ll see you next week!

¹My youngest son is named after a Jedi, so I love the Star Wars Expanded Universe.

²You know who!

³Though to be fair, three of them were dead.

My fantasy adaptations: Part Two

On June 28, 2021July 19, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Books, Comics, Movies, Television

Welcome to part two of my fantasy adaptations! My last blog post was about properties that I would to like to see adapted into movies, so this version is about my fantasy television adaptations list. I hope someone out there agrees with me, with at least one of the entries on the list.

Television show:

A Short History of Nearly Everything: Live action/animated over 1-3 seasons

This the first and only entry on the list that is a non-fiction property. A Short History of Nearly Everything was written by Bill Bryson and published in 2003. The book is about popular science, with Bryson unhappy with his own scientific knowledge, so he researched different fields of science and described them, to make scientific information more accessible. I love this book!

How should A Short History of Nearly Everything be adapted?

Unlike the other entries on this list, I feel this television show needs to be narrated and hosted by someone. Each episode would involve the host talking about biology, physics or chemistry or whatever subject that needs to be discussed.

The episodes could be about the origins of each scientific field, as well as how we know various things about that scientific field. Using a blend of live action and animated clips to adapt the book and explain the chapters, would be excellent. If you have seen Cosmos by the late great Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson, you’re understand what I’m talking about.

Why should A Short History of Nearly Everything be adapted?

In my small and humble opinion, Bryson has done an amazing job at communicating scientific information in a fun and entertaining way. It’s engaging and funny, but at the same time, extremely insightful and relevant.

The book breaks down difficult concepts so people can get a taste of the subject, so I feel the television show would do exactly the same. I can’t rate this book highly enough for it’s purpose, so making a television show about understanding and explaining science to adults, would be a no-brainer.

Television show:

The Silmarillion: Live action over multiple seasons

Now for those of you out there in pop culture land, you could be familiar with J.R.R. Tolkien’s literature on Middle-Earth. The most famous of his huge volume of work would be The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. However, I want to discuss the novel that every fan says they are going to read, but never do: The Silmarillion.

The Silmarillion was released in 1977 and details the history of Arda. This involves focusing on the creation of Arda by Ilúvatar; the creation of the Ainur, Valar, Maiar, Elves, Dwarves, Men and other races; the Two Lamps; the Two Trees; the Silmarils; the many, many wars; Sauron and of course, the rise of Morgoth; throughout the First, Second and Third Ages of the Sun.

How should The Silmarillion be adapted?

Because of the massive amount of content and the timeline of events, a trilogy of films would be unwise. Adapting The Silmarillion into a live action television show over multiple seasons, would allow viewers to connect and fall in love with characters over the years.

Plus, I can’t be the only one that wants to see the OG himself, Morgoth, walking around in his horrific glory, as well as watching Sauron grow into his power. Because no matter how bad or evil you think Sauron is, Morgoth is worse. He is the worst.

Why should The Silmarillion be adapted?

This brings up an interesting point, because Amazon Prime Video are producing a Lord of the Rings television show; what I have called the Middle Earth tv show. From what I understand, it’s set in the Second Age of the Sun, which is still thousands of years before The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

Now I have no idea what is in this show, but my hopes remain high that they will be using the Silmarillion as the basis for the plot. Although they could do whatever they really want, I guess. My hope is that The Silmarillion will in fact be faithfully adapted, under the guise of this show.

To see Túrin and Niënor; Glaurung; Lúthien and Beren; the fall of Gondolin; Ungoliant; Angband and Morgoth; along with all of the massive family trees of the Elves and Dwarves; would truly be worthy of the word epic.

Television show:

The Danilov Quintet: Live action over 5 seasons

This the first entry where there are multiple books to be adapted. The Danilov Quinet are a series of five books, written by Jasper Kent. The books are called Twelve; Thirteen Years Later; The Third Section; The People’s Will; and The Last Rite.

The central characters in the series change, because it’s a generational story involving one family: The Danilovs and their blood line. Their role in the series is to protect Russia from…well, vampires.

How should The Danilov Quinet be adapted?

I think a television show would be the best, because each book covers a different time period in Russian history: 1812, 1825, 1855, 1881 and 1917. Each television season, could focus on one book; for an example, the first season would adapt the first book, set in 1812. The second season would adapt the second book, set in 1825.

That way the viewer can see the progression of time, as well as having the adults actors age through make up or CGI; though some actors can be recast, because you met them as children, then adults. I do need to point out, it’s important that some actors don’t change, because…well, they’re vampires.

Why should The Danilov Quinet be adapted?

They are two things that I love about this series. The first is the location and era. The series take place in Russia, dating from the French invasion of 1812 to the Russian Revolution in 1917. I love this perspective, because Russian history was something I only knew a little about; but these books changed that for me.

Meeting different historic characters, as well as setting the backdrop for over 100 years of Russian history, provided me with amazing information, about Russian events, but also customs and culture. I came away with a healthier knowledge of the Russian nation.

The second thing that I love about this series, is the use of vampires. My wife loves the Twilight Saga, but the vampires in The Danilov Quinet are quite different. With these vampires, if one of them bites or kills you, you don’t become a vampire. You’re just dead.

In this series, to became a vampire, you need to be turned by another vampire. A vampire needs to bite you and drink some of your blood, then you need drink their blood. Once that is done, you need to die, then and only then, can you be reborn as a vampire.

I like this explanation, because whenever I hear of vampires in pop culture, that when you are bitten or killed by one, you are reborn as a vampire. To me, it means that vampirism is a disease, that converts anybody it touches…so shouldn’t everybody would be a vampire, because it’s like a plague with no cure? It would destroy the entire population.

In Kent’s literary world, that does not happen, so his vampires are more believable. To become a vampire, you must choose to become one. They are immortal and stay in the shadows, so not to draw attention to themselves. This makes them even more dangerous, because they have an agenda and they plan to see it through. This series needs to be adapted.

Television show:

Fire of Heaven/Husk: Live action over multiple seasons

I’ll admit to a little bias over this entry, because it was written by a fellow New Zealander. Russell Kirkpatrick wrote the Fire of Heaven/Husk fantasy series, which are actually made up of two trilogies.

The first trilogy (Fire of Heaven) contains Across the Face of the World; In the Earth Abides the Flame; and The Right Hand of God. The Husk trilogy is made up of Path of Revenge; Dark Heart; and Beyond the Wall of Time.

The saga is set within The Sixteen Kingdoms of Faltha, where a family/company has obtained vital information about the The Undying Man, the Immortal Destroyer. He is planning to invade and conquer the Sixteen Kingdoms, but only if the family fails to reach the capital and warn everybody.

How should Fire of Heaven/Husk be adapted?

Just like The Danilov Quinet, I believe adapting each book into a season of a television show, would be perfect. You would have time to introduce characters and flesh them out; as well as exploring new lands and customs, so you can connect and relate to the show as the viewer.

Added to the fact that Kirkpatrick has a Phd in Geography, each book has sensational detailed maps. These maps could show the viewer where the characters are at the moment, to give you perspective on the larger world and how the different characters fit into it.

Why should Fire of Heaven/Husk be adapted?

I love a convincing fantasy series and Fire of Heaven/Husk are just marvelous. From the detailed maps to the origins and status of the Undying Man to scale of the story, it’s just amazing. Just like Morgoth’s stronghold of Angband, I really want to the Undying Man’s stronghold of Adunlok, in Bhrudwo.

It’s just the scale of the series, that demands it to be adapted. Damn, it’s good; especially the battle tactics and the relationships within the different companies, as to their commitment to stopping the Immortal Destroyer and also Husk. I don’t know if it’s popular enough to be adapted, but it just has do; and viewers would be right there with them on their quests.

Television show:

The Dark Tower: Live action over multiple seasons

The Dark Tower series has been described as Stephen King’s magnum opus. It is epic. It spans eight novels and sixteen comic trades, as well as a feature film.

The story centres around Roland Deschain, who is the last in a line of gunslingers (knights). His mission, is to reach the Dark Tower for different reasons. Along the way, he has a Ka-tet (group) of companions that aide and assist him on his quest, fighting against the machinations of the Man in Black and the Crimson King.

The story is also told out of chronological order, because the fourth book is basically one huge flashback; while the comics tell the story in chronological order. With the books, you first meet Roland as an adult; but in the comics, you first meet him as a teenager. The comics also fill in gaps in the original story, but also adapting the novels as well.

How should The Dark Tower be adapted?

In 2017, a feature film called The Dark Tower was released, based on King’s work. It did not receive positive reviews and was panned by many critics and fans. I think it’s because, how do you cram eight books worth of characters, events and plot into 95 minutes of film? The answer is that you can’t.

Because of this, a television show would the perfect vehicle to reintroduce the story to the world. Setting it over several years, would give you the time and resources to correctly adapt The Dark Tower. I mean, is it just me or do you really want to see a Thinny or Blaine the Mono?

Why should The Dark Tower be adapted?

The reason The Dark Tower needs to be adapted again, is because it’s needs another chance for viewers to fall in love with it. The thing about The Dark Tower is that it connects King’s different works together; like a multiverse crossover.

The story is so long and vast, a single 95 minute film, can not explore Mid-World and it’s surrounding worlds. Now there was going to be a Dark Tower television show, but the way I understand it, it has been scrapped. This is sad, however, it just means someone else can step up and make the greatest genre spanning television show in history.

Show us Eddie, Susannah and more of Jake. Show us the Fall of Gilead. Show us the Battle of Tull. Show us the Lobstrosities. Show us the Crimson King. Show us Mordred, because he is a-hungry; but ultimately, show us the coolest character in the entire saga: show us Oy. Whomever can make this a reality, will have remembered the face of their mother or father.

Television show:

Black Science: Animated over multiple seasons

Black Science was a comic book series, created by Rick Remender and Matteo Scalera. It was released by Image Comics and it ran from 2013-2019, covering 43 issues.

The storyline is about a group of scientists that create a machine called “The Pillar“, that can punch holes through reality and into other dimension/parallel worlds. The scientists then have to survive each world and to try and return to their home world, because utter carnage is being spread across the Eververse, because of their misadventures.

How should Black Science be adapted?

I feel Matteo’s art work is quite distinct and mind blowing, that the only way it could be done justice, if the show was animated. The characters and settings would be easy to transfer from the page to the screen, because of how amazing Matteo’s art is.

The reality and cost of recreating the art work in real life, would be a nightmare, so animation would be the best option. Also having Invincible pave the way, for an adult animation comic book property, basically sets up the show.

Why should Black Science be adapted?

Well, where do I start? From Remender’s writing to Matteo’s art, this series is begging to brought to the unconverted. From the responsibilities of being a parent and spouse; to the relationships of work mates and children; to the power of guilt and regret; to forging your own path, at the cost of others; Black Science is a sci-fi masterpiece.

Seriously, imagine watching Grant McKay and his gang of Anarchistic Order of Scientists, creating problems faster than they can fix them, would be astounding. Also the Dralyn, are some of the most terrifying creatures to be created in the last 10 years. They are pure nightmare fuel. Prepare to be liberated!

Television show:

Judge Dredd: Live action over multiple seasons

Judge Dredd. What can I say about the ultimate lawman, that has not already been said before. Judge Dreed debuted in the British weekly comic, 2000AD in March 1977 and was created by John Wagner and Carlos Ezquer. Dredd lives in a dystopian city called Mega-City One. This city stretches from along the Eastern seaboard of North America and has an unemployment rate of over 90%.

Dredd is a street judge, a special type of law enforcement officer that can act as judge, jury and executioner. Criminals can be tried at the scene of a crime, as well as being sentenced. The toughest of these Judges is Joseph “Joe” Dredd: Judge Dredd. Armed with his Lawmaster (motorcycle) and Lawgiver (firearm), he is not someone to mess with.

How should Judge Dredd be adapted?

Alright, before we move on, let’s address the two elephants in the room. Judge Dredd has already been adapted into two feature films: Judge Dredd with Sylvester Stallone(1995) and Dredd with Karl Urban (2012). I’m not going to talk about these films, however if you have not seen Urban’s Dredd, it is amazing. Really, do yourself a favour and go and watch it. It will convert anybody!

Anyway, I want you to imagine something. Imagine some perps sitting around in their Block apartment, when the door gets kicked in and Dredd enters, kicking arse and taking names. Now picture that amazing scene and imagine witnessing it every week in a television episode!

The show would be extremely violent, but that’s the world Dredd lives in. The producers could adapt different storylines from the comics, as well as create some original content. Just think about it, every week, you could see Judge Dredd sentencing someone to the iso-cubes or sending them to Resyk.

Why should Judge Dredd be adapted?

From what I understand, there are plans to bring a Judge Dredd television show to life; it’s just whether it will become a reality or not. It would great if it did, because I’m a Judge Dredd fan. I’m not an expert, but I am a fan.

I just feel having a Judge Dredd television show executed¹in the right way, would make explosive and entertaining television. It really would. I mean, it’s Judge Dredd for Drokk’s sake!

Also the show could reveal the origin of the Judges, Judges from other countries, more of Judge Anderson; but also introduce the Dark Judges. Come on, you knew that coming didn’t you? Imagine seeing a live action version of Judge Fire, Judge Mortis, Judge Fear or even, Judge Death. Seriously, just imagine it!

The show could also bring up questions about equality, freedom, civil rights, justice, prison reform and democracy. My only concern is that whether it’s Urban playing Dredd or someone else, they would need to keep the helmet on. The reason is that, it does not matter what Dredd looks like under the helmet, because the helmet signifies the law and Judge Dredd is the law.

Television show:

East of West: Live action over multiple seasons

East of West is an other property that spans different genres. It was a monthly comic book series and it released by Image Comics. It ran from 2013-2019, covering 45 issues, plus one special. It was also created by Jonathan Hickman and Nick Dragotta.

East of West is set in an alternative version of the United States of America, where the country is actually divided into seven different nations. This is known as “The Seven Nations of America” and it consists of The Union, The Confederacy, The Kingdom of New Orleans, The Endless Nation, The Republic of Texas, The People’s Republic of America (PRA) and The Armistice.

It basically centres on two groups of people: one group is trying to bring about the end of the world, by enlisting the help of the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The other group which includes Death, are trying to stop them. Also Death’s son, Babylon, was kidnapped and trained to be the Beast of the Apocalypse, which his old man is not exactly pleased about.

How should East of West be adapted?

This is an easy option, because it’s quite obvious. Like many of the entries on this list, a television show would flesh out characters like Death, War, Famine, Conquest, President Chamberlain and so many others.

I feel the show should be live action over animated like Invincible or Black Science, because as a fan of the comic book, I feel the costumes, set designs and prop development, like in the Endless Nation and PRA; would raise the bar for television shows and their production.

I also feel using live actors would cement the connection with the viewer, because the stakes in this world, keep getting higher and higher. You could really immerse yourself in the different nations, not unlike the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros in Game of Thrones.

Why should East of West be adapted?

Seriously, have you not read it? Why wouldn’t you? It’s amazing! The fact that the American Civil War did not end in 1865, but actually in 1908, gives you more than enough reasons to be interested in this tv show.

You have different themes running through it like power and control, with Presidents Chamberlain and LeVay; justice with the Ranger; regret with Bel Solomon; ambition with John Freeman I; revenge with the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse; faith with Ezra; duty with Wolf; and family with Death. It’s very strong storytelling.

For me, I would love to see Babylon and Balloon, walking across the land; the Endless Nation and their insane machines; Death and his death givers aka his twin guns; the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse for…well, being themselves; the Oracle and her creepy eyes; and The Ranger and his dog.

Though one character remains to be discussed and she would become a new female arse kicking icon ; the Bride of Death, Mao Xiaolian, the Premier of the People’s Republic of America; and Babylon’s mother.

I want to see Mao in her red armour, with the Dragons and Widow Makers at her back, pledging two things: ordering Death to locate their missing son and return him; and the second would be Mao swearing to honour her enemies’ death wishes. Her enemies want to die, so she will march with her army and grant them that wish.

Can you imagine how invested people would be with this show?!

Alright, that’s it. If any of the comic books or novels that I have mentioned, ever get adapted into movies or television shows, can I please ask the producers to add my name to the credits? Please? Also, if you have not read any of them, please do so, because they are worth it.

Now I have a full time job, which requires me to take work home, every day. Because of this, I have tried to write a blog post every two weeks, so I have the time to do both things. The problem is, I have been looking at other bloggers’ volume of work and it puts me to shame.

So starting next week, I am going to try and write a blog post once a week. I don’t know if this will work, but if people are willing to read my tiny blog, then I’ll give it a crack.

Anyway, thanks for reading and see you next week!

¹Pun very much intended.

My fantasy adaptations: Part One

On June 14, 2021July 18, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Books, Comics, Movies, Television

I want to talk about adaptations, in particular, screen adaptations. Why? Because they seem to be all the rage at the moment, whether it’s a movie or television show. There are many film production studios and streaming services, snapping up the rights to a lot of comic books and novels, so they can turn a dollar or two, or maybe hundred of thousands!

Now, I am not against this, because I’m a pop culture fan, so I’m always interested in what the next content is going to be adapted into. The problem is not every adaptation works, whether for film or television. This could because it’s the wrong medium, the acting, CGI, the plot and the list can go on. Equally there are adaptations that do work; again for different reasons, which inspired me to have go at creating my own lists.

So I’m going to pretend that I’m a film/tv producer and that I have a vast amount of money behind me, so I would invest in these properties and adapt them into either a movie or a television show.

Before I go on, I need to point something out. I’m interested in a lot of adaptations at the moment, whether they have already been made, currently in production or pre-production. I have seen a lot of different movie and television adaptations, which have been based on comics and novels, that I have read and love.

However, my lists will only be looking at properties that do not exist in any adaptation form; to the best of my knowledge. Having said that, there are a few exceptions, which I will explain.

I have decided to split them into two lists; one for movies and one for television. My television list is quite large, so that blog post will be separate from this one. The following list are properties that I love so much, that I would love for them to be adapted into movies.

Ok, let’s crack on with my fantasy adaptation movie list!

Movie:

We3: Live action

We3 was a comic book mini-series, covering three issues in 2004. They were released by Vertigo and created by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

The story centres on three animals; a dog, a cat and a rabbit, that have been converted by the military, to become a prototype of cyber-soldiers or animal weapons. The animals were taken and given body armour, razor claws and a mine delivery system. The animals also have cyber implants, that allows them to speak and converse with each other and people.

How should We3 be adapted?

The medium should be a film, because the original content was only three issues; so turning three comic books into 80-100 minutes of entertainment, would not be that difficult. Also having the animals be CGI or motion capture acting would work; plus watching Bandit, Tinker and Pirate kick some arse, would be amazing! Plus, it’s written by Grant Morrison, so why wouldn’t you?

Why should We3 be adapted?

The mini-series raises some great ethnic questions over the future of warfare, but also the treatment of animals. As the dominant species on this planet, do we have the right to do, whatever we see fit to other life forms, in order to help us; or as the dominant species on this planet, do we have the moral obligation to protect and safe guard other life forms that we share this planet with? Watch the film and make your own mind up!

James Gunn has expressed an interest in the project, but who knows what will happen!

Movie:

RoboCop: Purgatory: Live action

The storyline to be adapted here, is from the comic book series, RoboCop #12-15. The series was released by Marvel in 1991 and I found it to be very powerful. I think the storyline was called “Purgatory” and it was created by Simon Furman and Lee Sullivan.

How should RoboCop: Purgatory be adapted?

Hey, we all know RoboCop’s story; he’s part man, part machine, all cop! That being the case, this adaptation needs to join the others as a feature film. It would have to be live action of course, mixed with CGI; though to be fair, it seems CGI is everywhere in motion pictures now.

Why should RoboCop: Purgatory be adapted?

I feel this storyline needs to be adapted, because it has RoboCop kicking all different kinds of arse, but it also reveals a secret: OCP are mass producing RoboCops in a off-the-books factory. RoboCop remembers his life as Alex Murphy and has to wrestle with the choice over what to do about the factory; but also about the hundreds of people being transformed into cyborgs.

I found it very powerful, because it allowed the reader to understand RoboCop’s desire to break the law, to serve the greater good and the ramifications that come with it. As a viewer, you could be there with him, as he makes a life changing choice. What’s more important? Obeying and following the law or doing the right thing? Just like in real life, these concepts are often two different things, which crosses into a blurry grey area.

Movie:

The Water Dancer: Live action

This is the first and last novel on this list. The Water Dancer was written by Ta-Nehisi Coates and was first published in 2019. The story focuses on a man named Hiram Walker, who was born into slavery in the American South, prior to the Civil War. Hiram possesses two rare abilities: one is a photographic memory, while the other is superhuman.

How should The Water Dancer be adapted?

I think like any stand alone novel, a movie would be the best idea. You have the time and budget to research the time period for The Water Dancer; covering the costumes, sets and language. Also for the viewer to witness Hiram’s ability, would be far suited to the medium of a motion picture, rather than a television show.

Why should The Water Dancer be adapted?

There are a few reasons why I feel The Water Dancer needs to be adapted, however they are same reasons as why I liked the book in the first place. It raises some amazing themes about race, identity, home, freedom, heritage, legacy and power, among others.

Though to be fair, for me; it can be broken down to three main concepts: the utter inhumane practice of slavery; the lives of the slaves, like their hopes and dreams; and having the protagonist as a superpowered slave was a master stroke. Hiram’s ability is pure life saving, in every possible way.

Even though I’m a Pakeha male from New Zealand, I always like learning about other countries’ histories, because it allows me to understand the issues and problems that can still affect that country today.

I think this was also my first fictional book about American slavery, so The Water Dancer helped me learn about new things, but also to get me to think about concepts, that I had never pondered before. That book has not left me and I feel the film would have the same result for viewers; because they’re going home.

Movie:

Kingdom Come: Animated

This is an interesting one. Kingdom Come was a four issue comic book mini-series, released in 1996. It was created by Mark Waid and Alex Ross; and was published by DC Comics.

This tale is set in the future, 10 years after Superman retires from the public eye, along with other superheroes. In their place, a new generation of superheroes are guarding and protecting the world, but they could be creating more problems, than they are solving.

How should Kingdom Come be adapted?

Alright, this is easy, because if you have actually read the series, then you have actually seen it. I had never heard of the artist, Alex Ross, before Kingdom Come. After Kingdom Come…well, damn. The art work in this series are hyper-realistic paintings and it’s still amazing after 25 years.

If this property is ever adapted, it must be an animated movie; however the animation must be based on Ross’ work. It must. It’s that simple, because an animated movie it would be the perfect medium for the viewer to soak in the visual glory of the project.

Why should Kingdom Come be adapted?

People have already seen cameos of Kingdom Come in movies and television shows. In Wonder Woman 1984, Diana’s golden armour, seen in the 3rd act, is based on her armour seen in Kingdom Come.

Also with the Crisis on Infinite Earths storyline from the Arrowverse, Brandon Routh’s Superman and Kevin Conroy’s Batman, are directly modeled after their counterparts on Kingdom Come; as in their backstory and costume.

In saying that, the actual series had not been adapted, but by Rao, it needs to.¹

From Waid’s writing to Ross’ art to a disconnected Clark to a broken Bruce, Kingdom Come is just phenomenal. It looks at the relationships of the characters and what they mean to each other; as well as to the reader/viewer. The series also examines the co-existence nature of humans and meta-humans, with a religious angle to add perspective.

I also need to mention, Kingdom Come has the most amazing and dangerous version of Captain Marvel/Shazam! I have ever seen!² Viewers would be blown away with an animated movie of Kingdom Come, just as I was when I read the series.

Movie:

Hamilton: Live action/Musical

You probably already know this, but Hamilton is a musical, which crosses several different musical genres. It’s based on the life of Alexander Hamilton, one of the Founding Fathers of the United States of America and it’s written and composed by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Hamilton has been performed across America and other countries, to great critical acclaim.

Why do I want to see an adapted movie of Hamilton?

That is a fair question and it’s easy answer: I’m being selfish. Let me explain.

I have not seen Hamilton. To the best of my knowledge, I have no idea if or when Hamilton would ever tour New Zealand.³ However, being a lover of history, I want to see it, even though I’m not a massive fan of musicals. It’s a trade off; being educated vs being tortured.

Now I realise that a Hamilton movie exists and was released in 2020. I also know that the movie consists of three filmed stage performances, that have been edited together. The problem is that it’s on Disney+, which we don’t have.

Because Hamilton is not coming to New Zealand any time soon and the fact we don’t have Disney+, a cinematic film (even with the singing) of Hamilton would be amazing and it would be the only way I could access it. Sorry, I know it’s selfish, but hey…I have to see it somehow.

Movie:

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Live action

If you have never heard of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, well here’s your chance to learn something. Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is a play, based on a story written by J.K. Rowling, John Tiffany and Jack Throne. The play was written by Jack Throne and the script edition was published and released in 2016. The play has been performed in various countries around the world, to critical acclaim.

The play is set 19 years after the end of the 7th book, with Harry working at the Ministry of Magic and his son, Albus, attending Hogwarts.

Why do I want to see an adapted movie of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child?

I have read all of the Harry Potter books, as well seen the films. However, I have not seen Harry Potter and the Cursed Child; but I have read the scripted edition.

Just like Hamilton, I have no idea if or when Harry Potter and the Cursed Child would ever tour New Zealand. This being the case, a live action film would be the best and only way for millions of fans to witness the next chapter in the Harry Potter saga; even if they will never get to see the play; just like me.

That’s it for now. The next blog post will be the second part, where I’ll be covering television adaptations I’d like to see.

Thanks for reading and see you in a fortnight!

¹Who can get this reference?

²Now before you start laughing at my error of referring to Captain Marvel as a DC character and not a Marvel character, please know your comic book history.

³ Let’s face it, if Hamilton ever came to New Zealand, it would only be staged in Auckland. This is a problem, because I live in a small town.

Children watching Star Wars: What’s the correct order?

On May 3, 2021June 29, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Children, Movies

I want to talk about Star Wars. Why? Because it’s close to Star Wars Day and the movies have the potential to be a little problematic, especially for a first time viewer. Now I love Star Wars and one day, I will make a blog about this; but it is not this day. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds…oh wait. Sorry, my fault, wrong franchise.

I would just like to point out before I go any further, that what I’m going to be discussing is a First World problem. As long as everybody understands that, then we are sweet.

Anyway, I’m one of the hundred of millions of lucky people, that have seen the Star Wars movies.¹ Because of this, I can describe the plots of the films, as well as explaining the beginning and end of the entire story. The issue with Star Wars is that the order of the films that have been released, are not in chronological order.

For those people who already know this, I’m sorry, but this needs to be stated. The release order of the Star Wars films are such:

Star Wars: Episode IV-A New Hope (1977); Star Wars: Episode V-The Empire Strikes Back (1980); Star Wars: Episode VI-Return of the Jedi (1983); Star Wars: Episode I-The Phantom Menace (1999); Star Wars: Episode II-Attack of the Clones (2002); Star Wars: Episode III-Revenge of the Sith (2005); Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008); Star Wars: Episode VII-The Force Awakens (2015); Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016); Star Wars: Episode VIII-The Last Jedi (2017); Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018); Star Wars: Episode IX-The Rise of Skywalker (2019).

There have also been numerous cartoon shows like Droids, Ewoks, Clone Wars; The Clone Wars, Rebels, Resistance, Forces of Destiny; as well as the increasing live action shows like The Mandalorian and others being developed.

So I need to propose a question to you. If someone that had never seen the films before asked you, what film should they start watching first or even what is the best viewing order, what would your answer be? Do you start with A New Hope because you’re a purist, or The Phantom Menace or maybe a different film?

Here’s an even better question; what viewing order would you recommend for children?

Now I’m a geek, but I am also a parent. Because of this, there are many different genres, mediums and subjects, that I’m interested in, so I want to share them with UMC1 and UMC2. However that is the problem. An example of this problem is that I’m a fan of space. Whether it’s books, articles, videos, lectures or an event, I am all over it like Yogi Bear and a picnic basket.

This resulted in my geekgrasm over the NASA Mars 2020 Perseverance Rover landing. Since sitting down and discussing what happened, UMC1 and UMC2 have become space obsessed. UMC1 started school 8 weeks ago and is consuming an insane amount of information from books and videos. UMC2 on the other hand, has started building rockets and asking people (via 2 year old language) about whether they know anything about heat shields and rovers.

So the issue is this: if I had never shared my love of space, would both of my boys still be interested in space now or not? Basically this is about nature vs nuture. Do I share my interests with my boys, knowing it could influence them into liking the topic/subject or not introducing the topic/subject and wait to see if they can discover it for themselves?

That is how I feel about Star Wars. I have wanted to teach and introduce the boys to a galaxy, far, far away; but at the same time, I haven’t. This is the fear I am pushing my love of it onto them and they may not like it.

We have some Star Wars items around the house on display, but we have never gone into great depths with them or watched any of the films with the boys. I haven’t wanted to push Star Wars onto them, because I didn’t want to become the stereotypical parent that did that.

This changed when I was given a R2-D2 toy for Christmas last year, through Secret Santa at work. Both UMC1 and UMC2 fell in love with R2-D2 and wanted to know everything about him. They were gobsmacked to learn that some of the prints in our bedroom were of Star Wars; there were some Star Wars children’s books on their shelves; some of the action figures donated to them from older family members, were from Star Wars; and also that there are a series of movies and television shows about Star Wars.

Again, I’m going to point out that I have never pushed Star Wars onto UMC1 and UMC2. If they discovered Star Wars and liked it, then it’s ok. If they didn’t like it, then it would still be ok.

Because of the boys’ interest in Star Wars, we showed them a DVD of Lego Star Wars movies called The Padawan Menace and The Empire Strikes Out. The boys thought they were extremely funny, especially the droids and Yoda.²

I had mentioned to them, that we had the set of Star Wars films, so one day we could all sit down and watch them. However, this is the issue. What Star Wars film do you start watching first? I feel bad, because I know of children younger than UMC1 and they have seen the movies. Part of me feels like a crap father because of that.

I have thought about this a lot and just like Caesar crossing the Rubicon, the die is now cast. I have made my decision, though my wife does not agree with me.³ She believes that the best viewing order for children or anybody to be honest is simple: Start at Episode I and march forward, all the way to Episode IX. It would be: 1, 2, 3, Solo, Rogue One, 4, 5 ,6, 7, 8 , 9. That sounds fairly simple, right? Watching them in chronological order makes a lot of sense. However, to me it does not.

Image by JCK5D from Pixabay

This is my viewing order:

Start at A New Hope, then watch Empire. The next film would be The Phantom Menace. WTF?! It would be: 4, 5, 1, 2, 3, Solo, Rogue One, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Of course the observant readers would have noticed that the viewing order requires Episode IV and V to be viewed twice; but also after the first screening of Episode V, the next film is Episode 1, not Episode VI. I fear I have some explaining to do.

The first film needs to be Episode IV: A New Hope. It sets the stage of the saga and you can meet the players; plus think about the opening scene, when Vader walks in. You have no idea what the hell is going on, but you can bet all of the credits in the galaxy, that dude is the bad guy.

After A New Hope, we can move onto Empire. Hoth, Imperial Walkers, Yoda, Bounty Hunters, Lando Calrissan, Boba Fett, Vader vs Luke and….the twist. Not just any twist, but one of, if not the greatest twist in cinematic history.

I want you to remember the different emotions that you felt, when you saw Empire and witnessed the twist. Did you feel denial or anger? Did you want to reason with it and try to negotiate with it? Did you cry or just accept it? Working through the five stages of grief may or may not have helped you, but whatever it did, it changed your perspective on how movies could be told.

Now imagine watching Empire for the first time, already knowing the twist. Imagine if George Lucas made Episode I first, and slowly worked his way towards Episode V, where Luke’s learns the secret. As a viewer, you discovered this information back in Episode III, so it’s not a big deal.

If a child starts with the Phantom Menace, they will not get the reality changing revelation, when they watch Empire later on. The impact of the twist is not there; thus starting with A New Hope, then onto Empire, means children can still experience the shock of the twist and I want to be there, when UMC1 and UMC2 learn of it.

Alright, it’s established Episode IV first, then Episode V, but why Episode I next? The answer Pinky,⁴ is that after the twist, I want UMC1 and UMC2 to stop and go to the prequels. The reason I want them to do this and miss Return of the Jedi, is because I want them to see the relationships growing between Anakin, Obi-Wan and Padmé, but also the rise of the Empire and the failure of the Jedi. I feel this is very important, because after watching Episode I, II, III and Solo, you reach Rogue One.

The scene where a shuttle is landing on Mustafar and you see Darth Vader walk onto the platform. You are hit with the knowledge, “That’s Anakin. Oh no, he’s still trapped in that suit. He’s still walking around in it. That poor man.” That’s powerful.

From there, you meet Anakin and Padmé’s children (again) grown up and also, an older Obi-Wan in Episode IV. This of course leads us to the Vader vs Obi-Wan fight, which we have already seen the first time. However, we now understand the back story of the two characters, so it’s actually Round 2 for them.

After this, you watch Empire again, so you can understand how these characters got to be where they are. From there, you watch Episode VI-IX. Of course you can fill in the gaps whenever you want with The Clone Wars, Rebels and other television shows.

So that’s it. This is how UMC1 and UMC2 will experience the Star Wars saga, though I’m not sure when it will happen. At what age do you show children the films? I don’t know the answer to that question, but what I do know is this; whenever we do it, I will be sitting right beside them, with the biggest dumb grin on my face, because I’ll be the happiest father in the world.⁵

Thanks for reading and see you in a fortnight!

¹Yes, I have seen Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle for Endor…but I am not counting them.

²What can I say, they have good taste.

³A wife and her husband not agreeing on something; has this ever happened in human history before?

⁴The real answer is same thing we do every night Pinky, try to take over the world! (Insert evil mouse laugh).

⁵As for the greatest fathers of all time, Darth Vader and Magneto will not be receiving a nomination.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League Cut: Spectacular Superhero Show or Factitious Fanboy Flick?

On April 5, 2021June 29, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Movies

I want to talk about Zack Snyder’s Justice League cut. Why? Because a lot of people are talking about it and I’ve actually seen it. I also realise I’m a little late to the party about this, but hey, it’s all good. Oh, I forgot to actually mention that I really liked this movie. I really did! Hence why I’m babbling like the idiot that I am. I’m also sorry, because this a long one.

Now I’m a comic book fan, so I don’t like getting dragged into the DC vs Marvel debate, because it’s like which of your two children that you love the most; they are both similar and different, but you still love them the same.¹

I have to admit though, I actually didn’t think this version of the movie would ever be seen. Seriously, I thought the 2017 Whedon cut was going to be the only version, but God must be a pop culture fan, because it’s a miracle that we get to see the 2021 version.

The purpose of this blog is not to compare the two versions of the film, or to offer a critical review of the film; I don’t get pay enough for that…or at all.

So what I am going to do, is look mainly at how the characters have changed in the Snyder cut among other things. To start with, the movie gave me the energy and impression, that it was a comic book. It was like I was reading and looking at a comic book! Some of the scenes, were to me almost like looking at some comic panels. That surprised me, in a good way. Or maybe I’m just bias; I mean, I am a geek, so I could be making connections that are not really there.

Also the running time of 3 hours and 52 minutes, was truly astounding. I say this, because if I had sat in a cinema²to watch that film, for that exact running time…my bladder would have exploded! However, watching it in my own home, gave me the luxury of pausing whenever I needed to; especially when a spouse might ask questions like “Who’s that?” or “What can they do?” or “Pause the movie and explain to me what the Anti-Life Equation is, in 30 words or less.” No pressure.

The really strange thing about watching the film; and Einstein will back me on this, was this: I know I spent 3 hours and 52 minutes watching a film, but I did not experience it like that. To me, it could have been 5 hours long and I would have not noticed. Basically what I’m saying is that I was so engaged in the film, I didn’t notice time passing, because time didn’t matter, only the film mattered. That’s a big compliment.

Image by Some Geek Told Me

Let’s look at some of the characters now, so we begin with Arthur and how different Jason Momoa’s Aquaman was in the Snyder cut.³ Arthur plays the part of the lone wolf or the reluctant hero, but just like everybody’s favourite Corellian smuggler, he arrives just in time to save the team, just like in the tunnel.

With the Atlantis’ scenes, it was great to see Willem Dafoe’s Vulko have a cameo appearance, because it gave you some Easter Eggs for the future (though now in the past) Aquaman movie. Also with Mera, she gave the viewer more information about Atlantis, as well as making Arthur take a hard look at himself. I can’t forget to mention that fight scene when Mera is taking on Steppenwolf by herself, it was a badass scene.

Basically to me, bringing out more Atlantis culture and lore, in addition to Arthur’s more developed story arc, made Arthur a better character. Also having Arthur and Diana discussing their shared distrust of each other’s nation, was quite clever. It reminded me of T’Challa of Wakanda and Namor of Atlantis, discussing their mutual disliking of each other. Hell, what do I know? Outrageous!⁴

Now before I move on, I need to talk about Diana and The Amazons. When Steppenwolf arrives on Themyscira, Hippolyta calls out “Amazons, show him your fear!” and they answer back “We have no fear!” It was a bloody good fight scene, as well as an awesome answer. The Amazons were amazing and were awe inspiring; they were so fantastic, to show the lengths they would go to, so the Mother Box would be protected or destroyed.

Diana’s role in this version of the movie, I felt actually increased. Having her discover the arrow in the Shrine of the Amazons, meant she could discover information about the invasion of Earth, the Mother Boxes and a certain character with dreamy eyes and a rock chiseled face.

This was smart, because it meant Diana was learning the history of the world, at the same time as the viewer. To me, she was the moral compass of the team, because she knew what was at stake. She had so many great moments like with Alfred, Bruce, Victor and also saving the school children.

But the best Diana moment was when she killed Steppenwolf. I mean, after Steppenwolf gloating to her after the death of her sisters and mother, Diana was pissed. So when Steppenwolf was killed, Diana was not just executing him to save the world, or avenge the deaths of the Amazons; but also for herself. I think Zack Snyder mentioned somewhere in terms with Diana and Steppenwolf, “…that it takes a god to kill a god.”

Diana kicked a huge amount of arse in this film, but at the same time, she revealed more of her compassion. Though isn’t that what Diana really is: a paradox. Someone willing to go to war, to achieve peace?

Moving along, we have to discuss Barry Allen.⁵I felt Ezra Miller’s portrayal of the Fastest Man Alive was definitely expanded upon in the Snyder cut, over two scenes. The first was obviously with meeting Iris West and displaying his speed for all of the viewers to see. It was awesome to see Barry unleash his abilities and I sat there with a big dumb grin on my face.

Side note, I will never get tired of watching speedsters interacting with the world, when they are running at super speed. Scenes like Quicksilver saving everybody in X-Men: Days of Future Past and X-Men: Apocalypse, but also Metro Man in Megamind; serve as great examples of someone moving at super speed and watching the world as if time has stopped. I love it!

And we’re back in the room! The second part is of course when Barry enters the Speed Force and reverses time. Having read the adventures of Barry and Wally throughout my geek positive life, I thought it was excellent to have the Flash, not just save the team and the world; but actually using time travel to do it.

For me, time travel misadventures go hand-in-hand with the Flash. It’s one of the coolest abilities that the character can do and I was so pumped to see this socially awkward and very human character, save EVERYBODY. I also like the way he runs; because he’s moves like an ice skater. It’s something I haven’t seen before and for me, it works. And that’s a real Flash Fact.

We now can move to Bruce. For me, Batman does not always play nicely with others. I mean, think about it. Anyway, in the Snyder cut, at least to me; Bruce is broadcasting two emotions. The first is regret, as in his indirect actions, caused Clark’s death in Dawn of Justice.⁶ You see this as Bruce, unnaturally talking about a mistake he made and admitting that he was wrong.

The second emotion is redemption and/or hope. I think he said something along the lines of that since he was the one that divided them, he needed to be the one that united them. It’s this motivation that is not only driving the plot forward, but also Bruce as a character too.

Bruce is acknowledging that he can’t fix or solve this problem by himself. He is putting aside his paranoia and arrogance, to step out of the shadows, so he can trust others and show humility, by building the League. Though, I bet he still knows how to take every single member down, if he needs to. Why? Because he’s Batman.

With Clark/Kal-El, things get more interesting. In Man of Steel and Dawn of Justice, it seemed we had a strange version of Clark, where he is confused or possibly feels guilty for helping people. Now I’ve been a Superman fan for as long as I can remember. Seriously, a very long time. Because of this, I was relieved to see Henry Cavill’s Clark smiling and being happy.

With Clark’s resurrection, it supposedly leads to the future vision of the Knightmare world, where Superman falls under the influence of Darkseid. From there, he becomes an evil Superman and does whatever the hell he likes. For me, this trope of Superman turning evil is slowly becoming more tiresome. We have similar storylines in the video game Injustice, in Justice League Unlimited with the Justice Lords, the Elseworlds mini-series Superman: The Dark Side, Kal-El from Earth-TUD22 in Superman & Lois and many, many more.

My point is seeing an evil Superman, is something I am starting to hate. I mean, Superman is the standard for superheroes; not just as powers, but as conduct. He is the benchmark, yet different writers feel the need to break him down and reduce him to “the threat that could and will always happen.” It reminds me of the Underworld Unleased storyline, where the ruler of the DC version of Hell, Neron, launches a huge plot to upgrade villains’ abilities, but also trying to corrupt the soul of the innocent Captain Marvel (Shazam!), instead of pushing more unstable heroes, over the edge.

Clark is a better character having Lois in his life, regardless of the medium that he is appearing in. Having Clark becoming a husband and a father, is the ultimate way he can shine through as the ultimate superhero. It’s because of Clark having a wife and child, helps define him, so they are strengths of his and not the weaknesses that some writers want you to believe. To me, it’s just lazy writing to make him turn evil.

Rounding off the team is Victor. I left him for last for two reasons. The first is his back story. In the Snyder cut, we get a far more detailed look at Victor’s pre-accident life. The film also establishes Victor’s relationships with his mother and father; and at the same time, allowing him and the viewer to explore and discover what his new abilities are and what he can do. For me, Victor has a more balanced story and you can connect with him far better, than with the original version.

This brings me to the second part, which I had an epiphany watching Victor do something. The scene in question is the one where he is observing the single mother working and taking care of her child, through different video footage. You get the impression that she is a hard working woman, that loves her child, but is fighting and losing against a system that is preventing her from forward with her life. She is struggling to maintain her head above water, so in speak and you can see her soul getting crushed while reading, what I think is an eviction notice. She is a good person, so she is trying not to fail for herself and her child.

During Victor’s back story, you learn how he hacked into the school’s database and changed some of the students’ grades, but not his own. His mother defends him against the principal, with along the lines of “..Victor is a good kid. He helped those students, which is more than you did.” It’s not word for word, but you get the idea that Victor is an extremely talented athlete, but he’s also intelligent, kind and has compassion.

All of this is brought back into focus, when after observing the waitress struggling through life, Victor uses his new abilities to deposit millions of dollars into her bank account. This scene works for three reasons. The first is the utter joy and happiness that the waitress shows, when she discovers the money. The second is that Victor doesn’t hang around to be congratulated or rewarded for his good deed; doing the deed was the reward.

The third and final reason is the act of Victor giving the waitress that amount of money, actually means something to her. Victor has not just saved that woman’s life, but he has actually changed it. To me, it is profound. If we are just talking about superhero movies, I can name many scenes where the hero(es) win. They save the city, a country, the world, or reality. Unnumbered people are alive because of their actions; however what Victor did for that waitress, was something I don’t think I had seen before in a movie; and if I have, I can’t remember it. Victor changed that woman’s life.

It reminds me of Paul Dini and Alex Ross’ giant editions: Superman: Peace on Earth, Batman: War on Crime, Shazam!: Power of Hope and Wonder Woman: Spirit of Truth. They were amazing, because instead of the heroes fighting supervillains or trying to restore reality or timelines, they will dealing with everyday and real problems that people face, every single day. You had the heroes trying to actually change people’s lives. It made an excellent message. So when Victor changed that woman’s life, by giving her that money, it was one of the coolest and kindest things I have since in a superhero movie for the longest time.

Also there was the small⁷ supporting role of Ryan Choi, one of the scientists working for S.T.A.R. Labs. He ended up becoming the director of nanotechnology. I say this because the answer is Ryan Choi. The question is “Who will end up becoming The Atom?”

Let us move our graze upon the residents of that cheerful and hopeful world, Apokolips. If you are unsure about what I’m talking about, it was that place that you could see through the portal, in the final battle. During the movie, we got to see the sadistic, DeSaad the Torturer; but also a brief cameo of the brutal, Granny Goodness.

However, I am going to discuss just two citizens of Apokolips and the first and most obvious is Steppenwolf. Steppenwolf has had a major power upgrade, new armour and also a more detailed and fleshed out back story. Uncle to his Lord and God, Steppenwolf has almost been reinvented. The fight scenes in Themyscira and Atlantis were outstanding, to show the viewer, just how vicious and uncompromising he can be. I mean, he was spilling a lot of blood.

For his motivation, you can understand more about what he is doing, but also, why he’s doing it. After betraying his nephew; his Lord and God, Steppenwolf is exiled and must conquer 150,00 worlds in the name of his Lord, before he can come home. From this angle, Uncle Steppenwolf just wants to go home and if he has to crush Earth to do it, then that is exactly what he needs to do. It adds a level of desperation to the character, which actually makes him more dangerous.

Now I realise that I have waffled on a long time, but this section must be done. Darkseid, Darkseid, Darkseid. Growing up, I knew about different villains from DC, Marvel and other mediums. Villains like the Joker, Green Goblin, Darth Vader and even Skeletor. But none of them gave me more pause than Darkseid.

To see the Lord of Apokolips in a live action movie, was amazing. To me, if the Joker is running around, call Batman. If Mirror Master is being a jerk, call The Flash. If Sinestro is explaining how superior he is, call Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814.1 or 2814.2 or ….you get the idea. However, if Darkseid turns up, you call everybody. I love that idea.

I had another stupid grin on my face when he invaded Earth, another when he talked to Steppenwolf, and other right at the end. Darkseid. As a comic book fan, seeing Darkseid talking about grinding worlds to dust and the glory of Anti-Life was awesome. In saying that, my Spidey Sense was going off. Comic fans get and understand him, but would the average superhero movie fan?

Would they understand what Darkseid brings to the table? My wife pointed out that he could not be the big bad Alpha male, if he was taken down by an arrow and an axe, in the Ancient Earth invasion scene. He could not be that tough or dangerous. She had a point. She usually does. After the film, I had think about that before I gave an answer. I remembered the fight, then it came to me. Darkseid was a New God, but he was taken by the Old Gods. It takes a god to kill a god, or at least wound one. It had taken the Old Gods to remove Darkseid from the battlefield. Gods. That is the strength of the character and I think my wife accepted the answer, though she didn’t like it!

Also watching Darkseid kill the Justice League in the future Knightmare world⁸, was excellent. It reinforced the sheer power of the character and his raw desire to conquer. Plus, you got to see his Omega Beams in action. Can’t wait for the Flash to outrun those babies!

Having Darkseid as a motion capture performance was the better option, instead of just having a guy in a costume. Darkseid to me, is the ultimate DC cosmic villain and it was so good to see him, walking around being pissed.

“Live for Darkseid. Work for Darkseid. Die for Darkseid. Who is your Lord and God? Darkseid is.”

It would a Hamlet level of tragedy to not bring up Mother Boxes and The Anti-Life Equation. In the Snyder cut, Mother Boxes are given more back story, but also and correctly named as something not good or evil; just a machine that has the ability to do both; just like a human. Side note, I really want to hear the PING of the Mother Box, just once!

For as the Anti-Life Equation, it can be summed up like this: the obsessions that Thanos has with the Infinity Stones and Death, is the same for Darkseid and the Anti-Life Equation. For him, there is no future or can be no future without possessing and controlling the Anti-Life Equation. Darkseid is Ahab and he will not stop hunting for his white whale. The equation has changed over the years, because of different writers’ interpretations of it, but it still remains at the top of Darkseid’s Christmas list.

And finally we have arrived at the end, but just in time to discuss of one of the coolest, yet misunderstood superheroes of all time: Jonzz J’onzz, the Martian Manhunter. When I saw his reveal, I made the horns salute and said “Jonzz J’onzz, it’s Jonzz J’onzz!” My wife turned to me and said “Stop it”. I replied “I can’t, it’s Jonzz J’onzz, Jonzz J’onzz!” “Stop it, you look ridiculous, you idiot!” was her reply. “Fine” I answered. “It’s the Martian Manhunter!” and continued making horns. Seriously, you can not have the Justice League without Jonzz J’onzz. He is the soul of the team and in my humble opinion, one of the most empathetic and compassionate characters in all of comics.

This whole rant is actually me saying to Zack Snyder, “I’m sorry for your loss, but thank you for delivering the goods on this film. As a lifelong DC and comics fan, thank you.”

The problem is, how does the DCEU go forward now?

Thanks for reading and see you in a fortnight!

¹Seriously, if we are going to do a versus debate, Team Sour Cream and Chives can suck eggs! Team Salt and Vinegar forever!

²Who can remember the last film you saw at the cinema? If I’m driving my car and COVID-19 is crossing the road, I’m sorry, but I’m not braking.

³When you have known them for as long as I have, you are allowed to call them by their first names.

⁴Brave and the Bold, anybody?

⁵Sorry, I had to use a pun.

⁶It’s a first world problem, but I really don’t refer to the second DCEU film as Batman vs Superman. I call it Dawn of Justice. Yes, yes, I know it’s pedantic, but that’s me.

⁷Sorry, another pun.

⁸ Well, having the Joker teaming up with Batman and the others, was something I did not see coming.

James Bond: Death counts, dames and dastardly dudes

On March 8, 2021June 29, 2021 By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Movies

I’m not afraid to admit this, but I’m a Bond fan. I’ve read the books, watched the films and they’re awesome. Some more than others, though that can be related to any franchise. I think the main reason I like them, is the utter absurdity of them.

The funny thing is that after reading the books and watching the films, the biggest difference between the two mediums, is that even though Bond does sleep with women in the books, he actually tries to build relationships with them; he’s a lot more respectful to them in the books, than in the films.

Anyway, I may not be able to name the first Bond film I saw on television, but I do I remember my first cinema experience with the famous British secret intelligence service agent.

It was 1987 and my Dad took me to see The Living Daylights, starring Timothy Dalton. I think it was the first time, just the two of us had gone to the cinema, so it was special for me. Dad liked Bond, I mean who didn’t like Bond? Except for Blofeld, Jaws, S.P.E.C.T.R.E, the Soviets and honestly…Q.

Image by Some Geek Told Me

A few years ago, I was reading Ian Fleming’s Moonraker, which was the third book in the original James Bond series. Two things struck me while reading it; the first was that the film was nothing like the book. I mean, apart from the lead villain sharing the same name, they were two completely different stories. The second was at the end of the book (SPOLIERS START!),¹ where Bond basically kills a submarine with a rocket. (SPOILERS END!)

It got me thinking, I wonder how many people could have been on that submarine? How many people did Bond just kill? I thought the answer would be quite difficult to discover. This led me to wonder about the number of people Bond had killed over the years, across the books. I thought this answer would be even more difficult, considering the number of books been written, across different authors, publishing companies and reboots.

And that’s when it hit me: the movies. I could sit down and watch every single Bond film and record every single person that Bond kills. Is that possible? I didn’t know, but I wanted to find out. Luckily for me, I had my girlfriend.²

The first film we saw together at the cinema was Skyfall and knowing I was a Bond fan, she gave a DVD box set of all of the Bond films at the time. Because of this, I had the means, so I needed the time. I told my girlfriend about my plan and after mentioning it was a ridiculous idea, she agreed to help me.

In fact, she was the one that suggested that we record the number of women she sleeps with as well! I had never thought of that; it was brilliant! So each Saturday night, we would sit down and watch the films in order and record the number of shags and kills. Now I knew, sometimes we could not always be able to watch them together, so we needed to establish some rules for counting.

For counting shags, we decided to make three rules: 1.) If Bond sleeps with the same character twice, over two different films, that is counted as 2 different shags. 2.) If Bond sleeps with twins at the same time, that is counted as 2 shags 3.) All hook-ups must be consensual.

Counting the kills were going to a lot trickier. We decided in order to count a kill for Bond, we needed to actually see him kill someone; whether it’s with a gun, knife or in a fight. Also, the person had to be dead. If there was any situation where the villain or henchman could feasibly survive the encounter, we could not count it.

Another point was if Bond blew something up like a building or a vehicle, and without knowing the exact number of people within the building or vehicle, we could only count the people we saw; guessing the number was not going to be fair measurement.

For the final rule, a villain or henchman needed to be killed by Bond’s direct action to them. What this meant was if Bond was driving a car and went left, while his pursuers went right and drove off a cliff, Bond did not kill them. They died because they were stupid, not because of Bond’s superior killing skills. If anybody died an avoidable death; because they were idiots, then Bond did not kill them, so they could not counted.

Before I reveal the results of the survey, I need to point out two things. The first is that I have watched 25 James Bond films. Now, wait a minute, you’re probably thinking; there are only 24 films, not 25. Yes, that is very true, because the 25th Bond film, No Time to Die, will be released sometime in 2021.³

The issue is this, all 24 films (not counting No Time to Die) were made by Eon Productions, so they are all official or canon films. However in 1983, Taliafilm released Never Say Never Again, starring Sean Connery as James Bond. This film is a sort of remake of the original 1965 movie Thunderball and the reason it exists at all, is just too bizarre to explain or to believe.

Anyway, I had to make a choice: do I count only Eon Production films or include a Non-Eon Production film like, Never Say Never Again?⁴ I discussed it with my future wife and we both decided, that since James Bond was being played by Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again, we had to include it, because it was a James Bond film…with the OG Sean Connery; so we had to count it.

The second point is that nobody is perfect. Someone else may have watched these films and have come up with a different set of number and results. Because of this, we may have miscounted somewhere along the line; but I really hope we didn’t!

Each of the six actors whom have played James Bond, have been coloured coded, along with their movies. I have also recorded what happened to the villain(s) at the end of the movie. If an entry says for example SHOT + DROWNED, it means the villain was shot and drowned. If an entry says for example HUNG/STABBED, it related to the fate of each of the two lead villains in the movie. Sweet? Alright then, let’s do it and I hope you enjoy it!

	FILM	YEAR	SHAGS	KILLS	FATE OF VILLAIN(S)
1	Dr. No	1962	3	4	DROWNED
2	From Russia From Love	1963	4	8	ESCAPED
3	Goldfinger	1964	2	9	SUCKED OUT OF A JET
4	Thunderball	1965	3	18	HARPOONED
5	You Only Live Twice	1967	3	22	ESCAPED
6	On Her Majesty’s Secret Service	1969	3	5	ESCAPED
7	Diamonds Are Forever	1971	1	7	ESCAPED
8	Live and Let Die	1973	3	7	POPPED WITH GAS
9	The Man with the Golden Gun	1974	2	1	SHOT
10	The Spy Who Loved Me	1977	3	22	SHOT IN NUTS
11	Moonraker	1979	3	13	SHOT INTO SPACE
12	For Your Eyes Only	1981	2	10	CHIMNEY/STABBED
13	Never Say Never Again	1983	4	3	HARPOONED
14	Octopussy	1983	2	16	CRASHED
15	A View to a Kill	1985	4	5	FELL+DROWNED
16	The Living Daylights	1987	2	6	CRUSHED/ARRESTED
17	Licence to Kill	1989	2	10	BURNT+BLOWN UP
18	Goldeneye	1995	2	34	FELL+CRUSHED
19	Tomorrow Never Dies	1997	3	30	DRILLED
20	The World is Not Enough	1999	3	23	SHOT/PIERCED
21	Die Another Day	2002	2	19	ELECTROCUTED+SUCKED INTO JET ENGINE
22	Casino Royale	2006	1	13	SHOT
23	Quantum of Solace	2008	1	14	LEFT IN THE DESERT+SHOT
24	Skyfall	2012	2	19	STABBED
25	Spectre	2015	2	30	ARRESTED

The results of the survey are:

Sean Connery: 7 films = 20 shags/71 kills average: 2.9 shags/10.1 kills

George Lazenby: 1 film = 3 shags/5 kills average: 3 shags/5 kills

Roger Moore: 7 films = 19 shags/74 kills average: 2.7 shags/10.6 kills

Timothy Dalton: 2 films = 4 shags/16 kills average: 2 shags/8 kills

Pierce Brosnan: 4 films = 10 shags/106 kills average: 2.5 shags/26.5 kills

Daniel Craig: 4 films = 6 shags/76 kills average: 1.5 shags/19 kills

Highest kill count in a film: Goldeneye: 34

Lowest kill count in a film: The Man with the Golden Gun: 1

Highest shag count in a film: From Russia with Love, Never Say Never Again: 4, A View to a Kill: 4

Lowest shag count in a film: Diamonds are Forever: 1, Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace: 1

Highest kill count per average film: Pierce Brosnan: 26.5

Lowest kill count per average film: George Lazenby: 5

Highest shag count per average film: George Lazenby: 3

Lowest shag count per average film: Daniel Craig: 1.5

All time highest kill count: Pierce Brosnan: 106

All time lowest kill count: George Lazenby: 5

All time highest shag count: Sean Connery: 20

All time lowest shag count: George Lazenby: 3

Total: 25 films = 62 shags/348 kills average: 2.48 shags/13.92 kills per film

Thanks for reading and see you in a fortnight!

¹Yes, I know the book was published in 1955 and people have had 66 years to read it, but some people have not.

²It should not be a surprise, but that girlfriend, I mentioned, found a Power Morpher and morphed into my wife.

³Thanks again, 2020. You and COVID-19 have a lot of explaining to do.

⁴Yes, I have not forgotten about 1967’s Casino Royale with Peter Sellers and David Niven. I have not included it because it was a parody and not a serious arse-kicking action film. My survey, my rules.

SOME GEEK TOLD ME

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James Bond: Death counts, dames and dastardly dudes