I’m not afraid to admit this, but I’m a Bond fan. I’ve read the books, watched the films and they’re awesome. Some more than others, though that can be related to any franchise. I think the main reason I like them, is the utter absurdity of them.
The funny thing is that after reading the books and watching the films, the biggest difference between the two mediums, is that even though Bond does sleep with women in the books, he actually tries to build relationships with them; he’s a lot more respectful to them in the books, than in the films.
Anyway, I may not be able to name the first Bond film I saw on television, but I do I remember my first cinema experience with the famous British secret intelligence service agent.
It was 1987 and my Dad took me to see The Living Daylights, starring Timothy Dalton. I think it was the first time, just the two of us had gone to the cinema, so it was special for me. Dad liked Bond, I mean who didn’t like Bond? Except for Blofeld, Jaws, S.P.E.C.T.R.E, the Soviets and honestly…Q.
Image by Some Geek Told Me
A few years ago, I was reading Ian Fleming’s Moonraker, which was the third book in the original James Bond series. Two things struck me while reading it; the first was that the film was nothing like the book. I mean, apart from the lead villain sharing the same name, they were two completely different stories. The second was at the end of the book (SPOLIERS START!),1 where Bond basically kills a submarine with a rocket. (SPOILERS END!)
It got me thinking, I wonder how many people could have been on that submarine? How many people did Bond just kill? I thought the answer would be quite difficult to discover. This led me to wonder about the number of people Bond had killed over the years, across the books. I thought this answer would be even more difficult, considering the number of books been written, across different authors, publishing companies and reboots.
And that’s when it hit me: the movies. I could sit down and watch every single Bond film and record every single person that Bond kills. Is that possible? I didn’t know, but I wanted to find out. Luckily for me, I had my girlfriend.2
The first film we saw together at the cinema was Skyfall and knowing I was a Bond fan, she gave a DVD box set of all of the Bond films at the time. Because of this, I had the means, so I needed the time. I told my girlfriend about my plan and after mentioning it was a ridiculous idea, she agreed to help me.
In fact, she was the one that suggested that we record the number of women she sleeps with as well! I had never thought of that; it was brilliant! So each Saturday night, we would sit down and watch the films in order and record the number of shags and kills. Now I knew, sometimes we could not always be able to watch them together, so we needed to establish some rules for counting.
For counting shags, we decided to make three rules: 1.) If Bond sleeps with the same character twice, over two different films, that is counted as 2 different shags. 2.) If Bond sleeps with twins at the same time, that is counted as 2 shags 3.) All hook-ups must be consensual.
Counting the kills were going to a lot trickier. We decided in order to count a kill for Bond, we needed to actually see him kill someone; whether it’s with a gun, knife or in a fight. Also, the person had to be dead. If there was any situation where the villain or henchman could feasibly survive the encounter, we could not count it.
Another point was if Bond blew something up like a building or a vehicle, and without knowing the exact number of people within the building or vehicle, we could only count the people we saw; guessing the number was not going to be fair measurement.
For the final rule, a villain or henchman needed to be killed by Bond’s direct action to them. What this meant was if Bond was driving a car and went left, while his pursuers went right and drove off a cliff, Bond did not kill them. They died because they were stupid, not because of Bond’s superior killing skills. If anybody died an avoidable death; because they were idiots, then Bond did not kill them, so they could not counted.
Before I reveal the results of the survey, I need to point out two things. The first is that I have watched 25 James Bond films. Now, wait a minute, you’re probably thinking; there are only 24 films, not 25. Yes, that is very true, because the 25th Bond film, No Time to Die, will be released sometime in 2021.3
The issue is this, all 24 films (not counting No Time to Die) were made by Eon Productions, so they are all official or canon films. However in 1983, Taliafilm released Never Say Never Again, starring Sean Connery as James Bond. This film is a sort of remake of the original 1965 movie Thunderball and the reason it exists at all, is just too bizarre to explain or to believe.
Anyway, I had to make a choice: do I count only Eon Production films or include a Non-Eon Production film like, Never Say Never Again? 4 I discussed it with my future wife and we both decided, that since James Bond was being played by Sean Connery in Never Say Never Again, we had to include it, because it was a James Bond film…with the OG Sean Connery; so we had to count it.
The second point is that nobody is perfect. Someone else may have watched these films and have come up with a different set of number and results. Because of this, we may have miscounted somewhere along the line; but I really hope we didn’t!
Each of the six actors whom have played James Bond, have been coloured coded, along with their movies. I have also recorded what happened to the villain(s) at the end of the movie. If an entry says for example SHOT + DROWNED, it means the villain was shot and drowned. If an entry says for example HUNG/STABBED, it related to the fate of each of the two lead villains in the movie. Sweet? Alright then, let’s do it and I hope you enjoy it!
| FILM | YEAR | SHAGS | KILLS | FATE OF VILLAIN(S) | |
| 1 | Dr. No | 1962 | 3 | 4 | DROWNED |
| 2 | From Russia From Love | 1963 | 4 | 8 | ESCAPED |
| 3 | Goldfinger | 1964 | 2 | 9 | SUCKED OUT OF A JET |
| 4 | Thunderball | 1965 | 3 | 18 | HARPOONED |
| 5 | You Only Live Twice | 1967 | 3 | 22 | ESCAPED |
| 6 | On Her Majesty’s Secret Service | 1969 | 3 | 5 | ESCAPED |
| 7 | Diamonds Are Forever | 1971 | 1 | 7 | ESCAPED |
| 8 | Live and Let Die | 1973 | 3 | 7 | POPPED WITH GAS |
| 9 | The Man with the Golden Gun | 1974 | 2 | 1 | SHOT |
| 10 | The Spy Who Loved Me | 1977 | 3 | 22 | SHOT IN NUTS |
| 11 | Moonraker | 1979 | 3 | 13 | SHOT INTO SPACE |
| 12 | For Your Eyes Only | 1981 | 2 | 10 | CHIMNEY/STABBED |
| 13 | Never Say Never Again | 1983 | 4 | 3 | HARPOONED |
| 14 | Octopussy | 1983 | 2 | 16 | CRASHED |
| 15 | A View to a Kill | 1985 | 4 | 5 | FELL+DROWNED |
| 16 | The Living Daylights | 1987 | 2 | 6 | CRUSHED/ARRESTED |
| 17 | Licence to Kill | 1989 | 2 | 10 | BURNT+BLOWN UP |
| 18 | Goldeneye | 1995 | 2 | 34 | FELL+CRUSHED |
| 19 | Tomorrow Never Dies | 1997 | 3 | 30 | DRILLED |
| 20 | The World is Not Enough | 1999 | 3 | 23 | SHOT/PIERCED |
| 21 | Die Another Day | 2002 | 2 | 19 | ELECTROCUTED+SUCKED INTO JET ENGINE |
| 22 | Casino Royale | 2006 | 1 | 13 | SHOT |
| 23 | Quantum of Solace | 2008 | 1 | 14 | LEFT IN THE DESERT+SHOT |
| 24 | Skyfall | 2012 | 2 | 19 | STABBED |
| 25 | Spectre | 2015 | 2 | 30 | ARRESTED |
The results of the survey are:
Sean Connery: 7 films = 20 shags/71 kills average: 2.9 shags/10.1 kills
George Lazenby: 1 film = 3 shags/5 kills average: 3 shags/5 kills
Roger Moore: 7 films = 19 shags/74 kills average: 2.7 shags/10.6 kills
Timothy Dalton: 2 films = 4 shags/16 kills average: 2 shags/8 kills
Pierce Brosnan: 4 films = 10 shags/106 kills average: 2.5 shags/26.5 kills
Daniel Craig: 4 films = 6 shags/76 kills average: 1.5 shags/19 kills
Highest kill count in a film: Goldeneye: 34
Lowest kill count in a film: The Man with the Golden Gun: 1
Highest shag count in a film: From Russia with Love, Never Say Never Again: 4, A View to a Kill: 4
Lowest shag count in a film: Diamonds are Forever: 1, Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace: 1
Highest kill count per average film: Pierce Brosnan: 26.5
Lowest kill count per average film: George Lazenby: 5
Highest shag count per average film: George Lazenby: 3
Lowest shag count per average film: Daniel Craig: 1.5
All time highest kill count: Pierce Brosnan: 106
All time lowest kill count: George Lazenby: 5
All time highest shag count: Sean Connery: 20
All time lowest shag count: George Lazenby: 3
Total: 25 films = 62 shags/348 kills average: 2.48 shags/13.92 kills per film
Thanks for reading and see you in a fortnight!
1 Yes, I know the book was published in 1955 and people have had 66 years to read it, but some people have not.
2 It should not be a surprise, but that girlfriend, I mentioned, found a Power Morpher and morphed into my wife.
3 Thanks again, 2020. You and COVID-19 have a lot of explaining to do.
4 Yes, I have not forgotten about 1967’s Casino Royale with Peter Sellers and David Niven. I have not included it because it was a parody and not a serious arse-kicking action film. My survey, my rules.
SOME GEEK TOLD ME 
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