If you’re a long-time reader of this wildly inconsistent blog, then you must have known that this post was coming. At some point, this blog was going to appear; and just like Thanos, it was inevitable.
I try to write about entertaining things on New Zealand’s 5th least favourite website, but also things that interest me, as well as world events; whether they’re positive or negative. Since you would have already used your amazing powers of observational deduction; that would have impressed the residents of 221B Baker Street, that this post will not exactly be positive.
I enjoy eating food, mainly because it helps me to live, but also because of the fantastic tastes and flavours. However, as you can imagine, I don’t love everything. There are some foods that I dislike so much, that I’m prejudiced against them.
I know, I’m not a perfect person, because I’m not Chuck Norris. This was because I was participating in a very dangerous activity the other day; I was having an independent thought. This strange event caused me to decide to talk about some of my food grievances. There are only three foods that have made the list for this volume, but I promise you, there will be more volumes.
Without dragging this out like a villain’s monologue, let’s dive into Food and Prejudice: Volume 1!
Sour Cream and Chives
I have been waffling on about this for some time now, but for anybody new, I’ll explain: I hate Sour Cream and Chives. I hate it. This covers chips, crisps, sauces, crackers, dips, rice cakes, and anything else that this abomination of humanity has spread to. It’s disgusting and I’m positive that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, wear it as cologne.
I just don’t understand the point of this flavour existing, when someone could have Salt and Vinegar, Barbeque, or Chicken instead. It’s like some company had a focus group, and they discovered that the public disliked certain flavours. Then the overpaid executives started talking:
“Hey, instead of never using chives or sour cream with any of our products, let’s add them together!”
“That would be amazing!”
“I have a good feeling that some guy in New Zealand would love it.”
“Instead of calling it, “Demon’s Arse Breath”, let’s call it “Sour Cream and Chives!”
After reading this, I’m pretty confident that’s how it actually happened. In my experience, smelling Sour Cream and Chives, makes my face look like I had witnessed the All Blacks losing to Japan, 75-0. Tasting Sour Cream and Chives is like if I was one of the All Blacks that had lost 75-0 to Japan.
People adding awful things like Sour Cream and Chives together is like adding climate change data to tax forms. They both suck independently, but now, you have just made things worse. That flavour really is awful.1
Corn
Because we’ve been together for some time now, I’ll make a confession. As you know, I hate Sour Cream and Chives. I loathe it. However, whatever I feel about Sour Cream and Chives, falls at the altar of despair over what I feel about Corn.
It’s like I’m the hero, and Sour Cream and Chives is Lex Luthor, The Joker, Doctor Doom, or the Green Goblin; aka your greatest enemy or arch nemesis. You deal with your arch nemesis quite often; even daily sometimes. They are your enemy like you are theirs. You are doomed to dance together forever, and even in death, you will never be free of them.
But not all villains or enemies can be your greatest. Some villains don’t just desire your demise, they want to destroy everything. This is because they are your most dangerous enemy. Think of Doomsday, Ra’s al Ghul, Galactus, or Carnage; basically if one of these villains turns up, you need to stop what you’re doing, because shit just got real.
As for me, my most dangerous enemy is Corn. If Corn turns up, things have escalated extremely quickly. Corn wrecks everything it touches, apart from corn chips.
I’m serious about Corn so much, that I spell it with an uppercase letter. It’s not corn, but Corn!! If I’m eating a pie and Corn reveals itself, I will stop eating and ask one simple question, “Why in the nine levels of Dante’s Hell, is there Corn in my pie?!”
If I’m eating a particular soup and Corn ambushes me, my response is clear. “Who is the smooth-brained mouth breather, that put Corn in this?!”
I’m not ashamed to admit this, I can’t handle Corn. I just can’t do it. Corn chips are easy, and I love them; but Corn…
I can’t even handle the smell of it, let alone the taste. As soon as I smell that yellow putrid odour, I start gagging. As for the taste; if Sour Cream and Chives taste like Demon’s Arse Breath, then Corn tastes like regurgitated Zombie Dung Beetle vomit.
Even as a boy, I knew the dangers of Corn. Growing up, my family had fallen under its repulsive influence, but not me. I’m a survivor. I spent my life checking foods and beverages for Corn, but also visiting other countries and discovering that Corn can hide itself in things you had never heard or thought of.
Whether it’s tragic irony or poetic justice, my wife loves Corn. I knew this about her before we married, but I married her anyway. Nobody is perfect, although I do have a rule with her though; the lips that have immediately touched Corn, will not touch mine.
Beetroot
I don’t want to give people the impression that I don’t eat vegetables, because that’s not true. I just don’t eat all vegetables. Case in point, may I present beetroot. It’s a stupid name for a stupid vegetable.
I’m not prejudiced against beetroot to the same extent as Sour Cream and Chives or Corn, but I still hate it. Yes, I know beetroot have many health benefits, as well as being part of a staple diet in many countries, but like I said before, I still hate it.
For me, I find beetroot’s taste and texture to be quite slimy, so I’m not sure whether anybody agrees with me on this. If I find beetroot in or on my food, I treat it with a mild level of disdain and remove it as quickly as possible, without drawing too much attention to it.
This of course is a mote point, if the beetroot has stained the surrounding food with that reddish/purplish colour. It’s like the beetroot has bled everywhere on purpose, just to make you go hungry, knowing you won’t eat that food now. In my humble opinion, that’s quite petty and vindictive.
Beetroot is not dangerous, it’s just gross, sad, and annoying.
Do you agree with any of my food prejudices? What are yours? As always, please let me know.
It’s been a busy week. Qatar won the Asian Cup for the second time, Ivory Coast won the African Cup of Nations for the third time, and the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl for the fourth time. Nice.
That’s it for another blog and another week. Thank you once again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. I’m also on X and Mastodon if you want to complain about me. Please don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, watch out for dodgy cats, and I’ll see you next week.
1.) My wife walked in and read this, so she asked me to include the fact that she, the dog, UMC1 and UMC2 all love Sour Cream and Chives. Apparently, I’m the only sensible one in the family.
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