21.1 km of regret

On By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn People

I want to talk about 21.1 km. Why? Well 21.1 km is the distance for a half marathon, and I’m starting to wonder how many of them, my body and mind can actually handle.

Just like the Lighthouse of Alexandria, let’s bring some illumination to this small discussion. The words run and fun, are not generally used in the same sentence; other than describing how going for a run, is not fun.

As a way to pass the time as I travel around the Sun, I like to go running. Sorry, I meant to say, I suffer running. Honestly though, I actually enjoy it for some twisted and strange reasons. Whether its for a 5 km or 10 km run, I get a lot of happiness by moving slightly faster than walking.

Sometimes if I can drag my old tired arse of out bed, and if UMC1 and UMC2 manage to stay asleep, I get to go running before work; or sometime in the weekend. I won’t go on about it too much, but running is pretty important to me. It really makes me happy, like watching videos about pandas failing at basic stuff.

Anyway, this has led me to enter different running races over the years, from 5 km to 21.1 km. I sound like a loser when I say this, but I never enter them to win; mainly because I’m too slow and never could, but in reality, its all about actually finishing and trying to improve. Maybe.

I ran my first half marathon in 2010, and I regret not running them sooner. I had always been nervous and afraid about running a half marathon, so I just kept telling myself that I couldn’t do it and like the citizens of the Capitol, Panem, I kept believing that lie.

This stopped when I realised I really needed to know if I could go the distance; pun very much intended. I did some form of training nearly every day for six months, leading up to the run….and to my utter shock, I finished it quite well; for me at least.

I would like to point out that during this period of my life, I was single, with no children and no dog. Another way to look at it, was that I had a lot of time on my hands.

Image by Th G from Pixabay

Fast forward 12 years, and I’m married, living with UMC1, UMC2, the hardest working Bichon Frise in the country, and one big fat mortgage. So with my running, I’m a lot older and slower now. This brings us to a few weeks ago where I ran my first half marathon in over a year.

This is because of everybody’s least favourite virus, COVID-19. A lot of races have been cancelled over the last two years, so my training for them has been pretty awful.

Because of the length of time between races, I had forgotten some things about running a half marathon. Far better and faster runners than me, will have a different set of insights into 21.1 km of regret.

  • Depending on the layout of the course, you could be running several laps around it. This means at some point, the elite runners will pass you, like Tenya Iida from My Hero Academia, and you feel like you’re standing still. Awesome.
  • Runners that are blatantly older than you, will breeze past you as you think, “It’s ok, they are allowed to pass me. They’re older and have experience than me.”
  • Runners that are blatantly younger than you, will breeze past you as you think, “It’s ok, they are allowed to pass me. They’re younger and fitter than me.”
  • At every kilometre mark, you are calculating what your projected finish time will be, and you’re quite pleased with it. However at the 15 km mark, you have the gut-punching realisation, that you are sadly going to go over your projected time.
  • Running behind someone with a ponytail, can be very interesting. The ponytail is swishing from side to side, and after a few minutes staring at it; and because you are thirsty, hungry, and tired, you are quickly hypnotised by it.
  • Trying to drink from a paper cup while running, sucks. You drink 40%, spill 40% on the road, spill 10% on your hand, and spill the final 10% on your face.
  • Around the 15-16 km mark, your legs can’t decrease or increase speed anymore; you are stuck at that speed for the rest of the race.
  • You don’t talk to anybody, because that will use precious oxygen that your lungs need.
  • You have a honest conversation with yourself as you’re running: You remind yourself that you’re not 18 years old anymore, and you are never doing this again.
  • You start dreaming of the delicious food you will eat, after finishing the race, only to realise that you have to actually finish the race first.
  • You begin to question all of your life choices that have led to this moment.
  • With every step that you run, the road/track is slowly sapping away your energy.
  • The idea hits you that you’re an idiot. You’re paying for the privilege to punish yourself by running 21.1 km. What a moron.
  • At the end of the race, you are so happy that the pain has finished as well. Doubt it!
  • For the next 2-3 days, you will have difficultly sitting down, standing up and walking. Don’t even think about kneeling!
  • You start walking like a penguin; so its more like a waddle.
  • Your spouse is often conflicted about your post-race condition: on one hand they are quite supportive and sympathetic towards you, but on the other hand, they are trying in vain to suppress their laughter at your moans and groans, as you try to dress yourself.
  • As you register for the next race, you convince yourself that this one will be better than the last one; even though, you know you are lying to yourself.

I’m a slow learner, because I’m running the Dunedin Half Marathon in three weeks. What an idiot, so I’ll let you know how it goes. Anyway, thanks once again for reading, walk your dog, stay away from Sour Cream and Chives, and I’ll see you next Monday.