I want to talk about first dates and internet dating. Why? A friend of mine went on a first date recently and it got me thinking about some of the first dates, I’ve been on. Some were good, some were ok, and some were just shockers.1
There were two first dates that I went on, that I can look back on them now and laugh; well try to laugh. This was about 11-12 years ago, and I had joined two dating sites. The reason I joined was because I didn’t travel in the same social circles of single women, and making eye contact with females at the comic shop was vastly discouraged.
I liked internet dating, but I also disliked it for probably the same amount of reasons; I mean, I’m a geek and I wanted to discuss geek related things, but I didn’t want to bore women to death. An example of this, was when after chatting to one woman on a dating site, we agreed to meet at one of my favourite bars.
We were talking about music, movies and television shows, which was great. She asked me what television shows I liked, and I rattled off a few, including Doctor Who. Granted, this was her own fault, but she mentioned that she had heard of the show, but she had never watched it and asked me to explain it.
I’m going to be honest with you, I have no idea how long I talked about Doctor Who for. It could have been 2 minutes or 20 minutes2, but at some point after I allowed unbridled geek culture to fall out of my mouth, I noticed the glazed look in her eyes. I had discussed a two-hearted alien with regeneration capabilities, that travels through space and time in a stolen box; on a first date. Amateur.3
Another classic first date was when I had been chatting to one particular woman for a couple of weeks, so we decided to meet up. Now I’m going to call this woman Lois, purely to make the story entertaining and flow. Lois suggested that we meet at the casino on Thursday night, which was fine by me.
At the time, I lived in the CBD, so the casino was only a 15 minute walk for me. Now I need to point something out; when I would meet someone for a first date, it was usually at a cafe, bar or restaurant. I had never agreed to meet anyone at the casino before, so this really should have been a red flag for me.
When I arrived at the casino, I walked through the main doors, then preceded to go up the stairs to the main foyer, where we had agreed to meet. I was standing there for a few minutes with no one around. It was about this time, my Spidey-Sense was going off.
I was starting to wonder if she could see me and if I’ve been stood up. I decided to wait one more minute then leave, when I heard my name being called. I turned around and there was Lois walking towards me. We introduced ourselves, which was about the same time, when I noticed something was very odd about Lois.
It could have been my imagination, but I was getting the distinct impression that she was drunk. We had agreed to meet at 6:30 pm, so the notion of someone being drunk at that time, as well as being on a first date, was extremely weird.
Now we’re standing in the middle of the foyer, still talking; we haven’t moved to the bar. It was at that time that I finally noticed that Lois had a glass of wine in her right hand, and her phone was in her left.
Lois then started apologising about the situation, which went something like this: Earlier on that day, someone offered to buy Lois’ business. The business was a hair cutting salon and Lois was quite surprised about this, because it wasn’t for sale.
She had explained to me that this particular person had offered a huge amount of money for the business, but there was a catch; she needed to make a decision before 7.00 pm that day. I asked her why was it such a short deadline?; why wasn’t she given more time to think about it?
The answer went along the lines of the businessman liked to buy and own hair-dressing salons, so they can join his hair-dressing empire. He needed to make the deal as fast as possible, because he was flying back to Auckland the next day.
I’m hearing this story and my Spidey-Sense has just gone off again. I’m thinking this is situation is bonkers; I don’t know what I’ve stepped into here, but this just seems mental.
Now the apology part was the fact that she was drunk. Lois told me that she was so stressed about her decision, that she needed to drink to think about the problem. The issue was that she said it’s a huge amount of money and with that money, she could invest in another businesses or go overseas or do whatever she wanted to do. However she went on to explain, that she previously had no intention of selling the business, because it was doing so well.
This was the conundrum; to sell or not to sell, but the answer was to drink.
I was thinking about what would I do if I was in her position, and someone had offered to buy my business extremely quickly for a huge amount of money. I would probably have a couple of drinks and be stressed about it too.
However, the one factor in this whole equation I didn’t understand, was that why she had agreed to go on this date with me. I mean, Lois could have said she couldn’t make it and she’s really sorry. That would have been ok. But I didn’t understand why she went through with the date, if she had all these personal issues happening to her.
I know personal issues can happen to anybody, at any time. I understand that and I can probably relate to that, but it was the fact that the sale of your business would be extremely important.
However badly the date was going, it was going to get worse. As Lois has been telling me about her situation, her phone started ringing. She looked at it and said “Oh no. I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to take this call.” So Lois walked off to the side to have a conversation. I assumed it was the businessman, whom was inquiring about the business proposal. Oh how wrong I was, I was so, so wrong!
As I was standing there, Lois began shouting. Not just myself, but other people around her could tell she was in a very heated argument. At this time, I was thinking if this was the businessman, it can’t be going well.
Four minutes go by, and Lois ends the phone call. She walks over to me to give another apology. Lois was apologising for the conversation, she just had with her boyfriend. Yes, her boyfriend.
Lois went on to say that he gets like this, as in jealous and angry; when she goes on dates with other men. It’s cliche to say, but it was at that precise time when I realised what a train wreck of a night this was turning into.
Lois apologises and informs me that her boyfriend is going to be here in under 10 minutes, to pick her up and take her home. Now I hear this and I’m thinking that I need to leave. I need to go home. This is a disaster, so cut your losses and go home.
The problem was that I felt like I was a character in the story, and I wanted to see how this would play out. I mean, this was just nonsense. It was just crazy. I just wanted to go home, but there was another part of me, that was quite fascinated with this train wreck of a night, that I needed to see how it would end.
So with that, the die was cast and I decided to stay. I realised I haven’t done anything wrong, I had no idea Lois had a boyfriend. So to me, I’m in the clear and the thing was, if the boyfriend was going to start anything or do anything to me, I felt I was going to be ok, because there were security guards everywhere. It was a casino after all.
So we talked in the foyer about jobs and interests, basically waiting for the boyfriend to arrive. I think it was about 15 minutes later when he appeared. When he turned up, I could tell it was him, because I saw a guy coming up the stairs and he looked pissed. It was like I was staring at an angry cartoon character, that had been brought to life.
After completing a quick scan of the foyer, the boyfriend walked straight towards us. I mentioned to Lois that it looked like her boyfriend was here. She turned around and quickly walked towards him. What happened next with absolutely insane.
The two of them started yelling and swearing at each other. The argument escalated extremely quickly, because after 45 seconds, there are two security guards talking to them.
While this was unravelling, I was still standing there, watching this apocalyptic mess. After yelling at each other, Lois and the boyfriend started yelling at the security guards, and it was at this point, more security guards were called over. The result was both of them were escorted out of the casino. I stood there watching the whole thing, not fully believing or accepting what had just happened.
After ordering a bourbon and cola, and drinking that beautiful reward, I decided that I was going home. When I got there, I told my flatmate all about it, to which she laughed and said she had a prediction for me.
She said that she knew a few people like Lois, and then she predicted that the next day, I was going to be contacted by Lois to arrange a second date. I told her that was just mental and that wasn’t going to happen, to the extent we bet some house cleaning duties on it.
And so, the next day I received an email from Lois apologising for the previous night. She was very sorry that we didn’t get to talk more, but she was hoping we could arrange another date. When I was reading the email, I wasn’t thinking of how I was politely going to say no, but the idea of the extra household cleaning duties I was going to have to do now.
I hope this was entertaining for you, because it’s funny to me now. Do you have any funny experiences through internet dating? If you do, please let me know. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you in a few days.
1 I need to point out, for all I know, I’m one of the world’s worst first daters.
2 Time is very much relative.
3 My wife can actually handle my geek rants. That’s why she’s my wife.
SOME GEEK TOLD ME 
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