I have not used enough self-deprecating humour for a while, so I had an idea. An awful idea. I had a wonderful, awful idea! I know what to do. I haven’t revisited this topic since last year, so perhaps it’s time for a review. In case you haven’t read the first thrilling instalment, here it is.

I left my job in April, and since then, I’ve been thinking about the possibilities that are open to me in the future, even though I have found a new job. Yay! Although I have mentioned this before, it’s nice to have a job that pays well and that you love, but you also need to have an interest in it and be qualified. That last part is awkward, at the very least.

The idea is that there are some jobs I feel I would be great at (on paper at least), and there would be some jobs, let’s face it, I would suck at. I have a certain set of skills that are only of interest to me, but can they be transferable to any job? Doubt it.

To reinforce what I said in the first blog post about this positive and uplifting subject, I will detail three jobs that I believe I would suck at. Whether I describe myself as being terrible, horrible, ill-suited, unqualified, or just wrong, these jobs would not be for me. This does not cover the pay rate; it just looks at whether the job would be a woeful match for me.

Also, please remember that if your job may appear here today or at a later date, that’s fine for you because I’m not saying your job sucks. I’m just saying your job would suck for me since I’m awkward. If you can do any of these three jobs, you’re a better person than I am!

So without further delays or hair combing, let me explain how I would be swiping left on these three jobs. And away we go!

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Data entry operator who works from home

This is a rather specific job, and I will explain, so just hear me out. I’ve done data entry before, years ago, of a sort. It wasn’t 100% data entry because the day was broken up with other things that went with the job, but the bulk of it was data entry.

I struggled with the job, and one of the reasons I outlived the monotony was being able to leave my little office to venture out into the big, brave world. Now, take a similar job, where the job is just data entry, but I get to work from home, and it would be a disaster.

Let’s take stock of the potential problems I would face: raiding the pantry every 15 minutes for a snack, checking my emails every 3 minutes, constantly checking on whether any parcel or letters have arrived (only on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), doing the washing and dishes, stopping to read a book or comics, checking on various new sites about the world, and checking updates on sport scores.

Regardless of whether I needed to pick the boys up from school or not, once they were home, forget about me achieving any work. And if my wife were at home, the tiny fraction of work I would be getting done would only be getting smaller. A two-minute conversation about lunch would turn into 45 minutes of talking about cartoons.

Working as a data entry operator from home would be a massive mistake for me, because I get too distracted while I’m on the computer. Just think about how long it’s taken me to write this section. I would never need to quit the job, because I would have been fired before that. I would suck as a data entry operator working from home.

Fencer

Now, before you start asking questions, no, I’m not talking about the sport or reselling stolen property. Oh no, I’m referring to the job of actually building and installing fences. You see, I’m not exactly a handyman, as I have great difficulty with building and making things.

My mum pointed out to me once that if there was a long and complicated way of doing something, you can bet that I would do it. This would transfer over to building things, as I would just stuff it up.

And even if you took away the fact that my fences would look like they were designed by a 4-year-old, or an earthquake has installed them, there is the social side to it. I can only imagine going around different farms, building fences, and talking to various farmers.

Talking to farmers is not the problem; it would be listening to the same stories and the same jokes, time and time again. I’m not sure how I could handle building wayward fences, with gaps in them like the government’s budget, but also sounding surprised and interested, when I’ve heard the same story or the same jokes from someone, every time I see them.

I can’t hide my emotions while I wear my face; it’s a giveaway to people, so not only would I be building poor, shoddy, and terrible fences, with holes in them that a rhino could slip through, I would go crazy listening to the repeated stories and jokes told by the same people. I would suck as a fencer.

Baker

This entry can be explained and broken down into three sections, because I would suck being a baker. Firstly, getting up so I can be at work by 4 am would get old extremely quickly. By 9 am, I would have to tape my eyelids back so I wouldn’t close them and fall asleep. Being sleep-deprived and working with blunt and sharp objects is a guaranteed way to injure myself or someone else.

I would have to go to bed before the boys did, which would be a sure-fire way to damage my marriage. Secondly, being a baker, you need to be able to follow recipes and work out the same calculations. By this, I mean I would be working with the same ingredients, but just halving or doubling the recipe. Every day. I won’t lie to you, I would have mental, emotional, and physical issues with that.

I would have to follow someone’s recipe, without ever fundamentally changing it, or perhaps, ever creating anything new. This leads me to the third reason: I’m not very good in the kitchen. Yes, I can prepare dinners, which are just variations of each other, but baking? No way. Even if I was smart enough to follow the recipe, the Good Lord did not seem to bless me with baking skills.

Somehow, someway, I would just mess it up. Whether it was baking cookies, cakes, buns, scones, or anything else would be a disaster. Cooking toast? Check. Boiling soup? Check. Steaming vegetables? Check. Cooking pasta? Check. Baking chocolate chip cookies? Um…just sack me, and get it over and done with.

I would never win any reality TV baking show. Not that I would be kicked off in the first round, oh no, I would not have been good enough to be on the show in the first place. I would suck as a baker.

Again, I’m very sorry if I have mentioned any of your jobs. It’s not you, it’s me. And that’s another blog post for another week.

Thanks for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. I mean it. This project helps me to scoop out the negativity and replace it with something else, less smelly, and a lot crunchier.

Please remember to walk your dog, read a banned book, 15-year-olds are still children, and I’ll see you next week, because we are finally entering the 1960s. You know what I’m talking about. Please say that you do.

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