Who wants a trade war with penguins?

On By somegeektoldme@gmail.comIn Geography, People, Politics

I’m going to start with an apology. Today’s blog post was supposed to be about We Didn’t Start the Fire’s 1957 historical references; as I spoke about this last week. Now, I’m very sorry to let the fans of this project down, because as I was writing the blog, something extraordinary happened, and I simply couldn’t ignore it.

So in my infinite wisdom, I decided to put a pin in the 1957’s historical references, and actually discuss a trade war. Due to our interconnected world, trade serves as a vital link among us. Surprisingly, it seems that the President of the United States is beginning a trade war with penguins, elephant seals, and seabirds.

Let’s analyse this carefully to determine its truthfulness, or if it is simply the mainstream media attempting to humiliate a 78-year-old convicted felon.

On 2nd April 2025 (local time), President Trump unveiled his hotly anticipated new tariff scheme, which was dubbed Liberation Day. Again, as you know, he declared a trade war against various countries and territories around the world, including my own.

I don’t have enough time to discuss how unusual it is that Russia, Belarus, and North Korea were omitted from the tariff list. My time is too valuable for that, as well as addressing the fact that these tariffs aren’t truly tariffs. Instead, they are based on a flawed formula meant to reflect the trade deficit between the United States and countries or territories.

No, I won’t mention those two things at all. I won’t even talk about how global markets are melting down, with at the time of writing, US$6.6 trillion was been wiped away. I would never stoop that low to discuss and mock those important matters.

And you can forget about me ever mentioning that the White House is now reframing the tariffs as sanctions. Nope, not by me, or on my account. There’s no way I would ever discuss that.

However, there is one tiny thing I would like to discuss. When the former McDonald’s employee and casino bankrupter revealed his list of countries and territories that he wanted to punish for not buying enough US-made items and goods, he included a rather strange entry: The Heard and McDonald Islands.

Credit: White House

The Heard and McDonald Islands are some of the most isolated places on the planet. They lie in the Southern Indian Ocean, about 3,850 km from Australia, where the islands are an Australian external territory. It’s roughly the same latitude as Madagascar, about two-thirds of the way from Antarctica and Madagascar.

The islands’ total land area is only 372 km2, with a coastline stretching 101.9 km. The Heard and McDonald Islands are home to two volcanoes and hundreds of thousands of fauna, such as penguins, elephant seals and seabirds.

But one of the strangest things about the Heard and McDonald Islands is the human population, which is zero. Yes, that’s correct, not a single person lives there. They are uninhabited by humans.

According to the data revealed by the White House, the Heard and McDonald Islands have a trade deficit of 10%, which has resulted in the world’s most famous 78-year-old convicted felon, slapping a 10% tariff on the islands.

Putting aside the suicidal nature of the financial and economic illiteracy of the tariffs, we have a problem. If we are to believe the White House’s data and figures, and why would we not, it means the Heard and McDonald Islands have a trade deficit with the United States.

From the United States perspective, the Heard and McDonald Islands are exporting more goods and services to the United States than they are importing from the United States, hence the trade deficit. But here’s the problem: if the Heard and McDonald Islands are uninhabited by humans, then who or what the fuck is trading with the Americans?

I hope you’re sitting down because the answer is penguins, elephants seals, and seabirds. I like to stay informed about world events, but I’ll be honest, I had no idea that a collection of penguins, elephants seals, and seabirds, living on islands near Antarctica, had not only mastered the ability to understand human language, finance, and commerce, but also have the means to conduct trade with humans. I feel really stupid and ignorant for not knowing this.

I have so many questions about this:

  • Do the different species of animals trade separately or collectively?
  • What do they trade? Is it eggs, feathers, shit, or something else?
  • If it’s shit, is penguin shit more valuable the elephant seal shit?
  • Do the penguins, elephant seals, and seabirds get along with each other, or are there different factions working against each other, whether it’s politically or financially?
  • How likely is a civil war to break out on the Heard and McDonald Islands, over the tariffs?
  • How do they communicate with the humans?
  • What do the penguins, elephant seals, and seabirds import from the United States?
  • Who are the American importers, and how are they surviving with the 10% tariff slapped on by the Heard and McDonald Islands?
  • What is the currency of the Heard and McDonald Islands?
  • Are Australian penguins, elephant seals, and seabirds, really taking jobs away from American humans, or American fauna?
  • Is this not the greatest example of evolutionary biology ever discovered?
  • How is this not the biggest news story in the history of the world; animals trading with humans?
  • Has anybody spoken to Sir David Attenborough about this? What are his thoughts?
  • Do the Heard and McDonald Islands only trade with the United States?
  • By starting a trade war with the Heard and McDonald Islands, does the White House hope to bring back more American jobs?
  • Does Elon Musk wish to export Teslas to the Heard and McDonald Islands?

The questions are endless because I’m just stunned at this revelation. This startling information is hard to understand and comprehend since it must be true and accurate. Otherwise, the US government would look like a group of people who wouldn’t be able to organise a party at a brewery. This would be one of the biggest displays of incompetence the US government have committed since Signalgate.

I mean, Trump, armed with his stable intellect, and his posse of loyal henchmen, could never make a mistake, right? Because that would be bigly. Nah, I bet every single penguin, elephant seal, and seabird on the Heard and McDonald Islands is woke.

And this ladies and gentlemen, is the world we live in. Welcome.

That’s another blog post for another week. Thanks once again for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me.

That’s three political blog posts in a row, so that’s enough for now. I’m going to finish We Didn’t Start the Fire: 1957, so we can discuss history, music, people, and politics…damn.

Please don’t forget to walk your dog, read a banned book, tell Sir David Attenborough about tariffs on the Heard and McDonald Islands, and I’ll see you next week to continue We Didn’t Start the Fire.

Seriously, can someone please talk to Sir David Attenborough? His response would be amazing.