After smelling something disgusting at a market the other day, it reminded me of two things; vomiting and writing a new Food and Prejudice blog post. Because the original blog post was such a success, let’s pull a Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and be better than the original.
For any unfortunate culinary fans that missed the first entry on this journey of truth, you can find it here, where I explained my disdain for Sour Cream and Chives, Corn, and Beetroot. I feel I need to clean my fingers because I just typed their names.
To give our fellow homo sapiens some context for this thoroughly thought-out project, the idea is this:
I enjoy eating food, mainly because it helps me to live, but also because of the fantastic tastes and flavours. However, as you can imagine, I don’t love everything. There are some foods that I dislike so much, that I’m prejudiced against them.
I would also like to mention that if you like and enjoy any of the entries on the lists, please don’t get upset too much, because you’re a better person than me, since you can actually eat those foods. Ok? One small thing to add is that the word “food” in the context of these blog posts, also covers drinks. Awesome.
Without further time wasting, because as we all know, The Honourable Simeon Brown MP does not like time wasting, or going slow, so let’s crack on with Food and Prejudice: Volume 2!
Asparagus
Where do I start on this hybrid of woe? Asparagus is not as dangerous as Corn, but that’s like comparing an orca to a wolf. One is more dangerous than the other, but they are both predators and out to get you; just like Corn and asparagus.1
On paper, asparagus has a lot going for it, but in what I like to call reality, it doesn’t. It really doesn’t. This limp and flaccid spring vegetable, which is what people call asparagus and eat, are the young shoots of the plant.
Its texture is slimy like a mutated worm with an algae addiction, the smell is like pure petrol, and its taste is like the offspring of a leprosy-afflicted cockroach and a depressed bamboo.
An interesting fact about asparagus is that if the shoots are allowed to develop and grow, it can produce fruit in the form of red berries, which to nobody’s surprise, can be toxic to humans. Yet another reason to fester ill thoughts about this terrible vegetable.
I hate asparagus.
Pears
This is an odd entry because I love fruit, so I should enjoy eating pears. I’m emphasising on the word should, since I really want to like pears. I just can’t. I feel disappointed in myself over this, however, this pity party for one ends, when I remember that pears are deceptive.
They look like an apple that has been on one too many rides around a particle accelerator, hence the shape. I can overlook this since it’s not the pear’s fault it looks like that. The problem is that my support for pears fades when it comes to the taste.
Even though the pear looks like a misshaped apple, it tastes nothing like an apple; unless there is a new variety of apple that tastes like sawdust and sand. It’s so gritty, seriously, it’s gross. Like I said earlier, I really want to like pears, but my body is allergic to foods that make me want to clean my tongue after eating them.
I hate pears.
Ginger Beer
Like myself, and every other member of the human race, we all make mistakes and have faults.2 My wife is no exception to this rule, because not only does she love Corn, she also enjoys ginger beer. Yes, yes, I know nobody is perfect, but I was devastated to learn that ginger beer was one of her favourite beverages.
I try to be a supportive and loving husband by sometimes purchasing ginger beer for her. I never think it through though, because if she wants to drink it, the bottle/can will need to be opened, and frankly, when that happens, that’s it for me.
Ginger beer tastes of regret and guilt, mixed with disappointment, stress, and failure; however, it pales in comparison to the smell of ginger beer. Once I can smell that awful odour from my wife’s open bottle or can, I have to fight the instinct to start twisting and distorting my body in discomfort.
My mind is screaming at me, “Even though you love that woman, you need to get away from her and that smell. Run, don’t walk. Run as fast as you can and get away from that smell, because if you don’t, she’ll offer you a taste of that ginger-flavoured septic discharge, and the words that fall out of your mouth will result in a divorce. Run!”
I hate ginger beer.
Do you agree with any of my food prejudices? What are yours? As always, please let me know.
We are officially in December now, so the Christmas chaos can officially start. Are you ready for it? I’m not, but what’s new?
So that’s it for another week. Thanks for reading, following, and subscribing to Some Geek Told Me. Please remember to walk your dog, read a banned book, go and lose a board game to a child, and I’ll see you next week because we’re going back to 1955. See you there.
1 I spell Corn with a upper case C, because Corn is dangerous and deserves your respect. When you’re not paying attention, Corn will get you, because Corn is always stalking you.
2 This of course does not include Chuck Norris, since he is the exception to the rule. I mean, why would he not be?
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