I want to talk about movies. Why? I love movies, for a list of reasons that are longer than Dumbledore’s beard. There are movies that I would happily watch again and again, because I love them. There are other movies that I’ve seen, and that I’ve liked or hated; but ultimately, I have no desire to watch them again.

There are also movies that I haven’t seen, because I haven’t gotten around to actually watching them yet, but I will one day. They’re on my to-do-list, along with finish painting the house and find my missing Superman socks.

However, there is a small group of movies, that for different reasons, I have absolutely no desire to view them. Ever. I could go the rest of my life without watching these movies, and I’ll be ok with that.

Seriously, I never want to see them, because there is no reason why I would want to. There is a greater chance of me becoming an All Black, than viewing these four films.

Before I go on, I need to address something. I could have easily researched about these four films online, and given you a synopsis about them; but I haven’t. I thought it would be better to talk about them, from what I know through pop culture, so they may not be 100% accurate; though that’s the point.

Sweet? Awesome, let’s discuss four movies that I will never, ever watch.

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The Exorcist

Where do I start for The Exorcist? From what I understand, some type of demon/devil has possessed a young girl. I understand that the girl’s face changes; there’s serious vomiting; head spinning; and maybe she walks up walls or on the ceiling? I’m not sure on the last one. I think two priests turn up to exorcise the demon/devil from the girl, which I can only guess is just utter carnage and depressing.

I realise millions of people have already seen The Exorcist, and I feel happy for them. Well done them, I just don’t need to. Damn, if I see that film, it will be a case of that I can never “unsee” it.

I love black comedies and I have seen horror movies before, I mean I’m not a total fool. I saw A Nightmare of Elm Street when I was 11, and it scared the shit out of me, so I’m not a big horror fan. I feel that watching The Exorcist would not add anything to my psyche, but only take things away. I am so afraid of that movie!

I have enough bat shit crazy stuff rolling around in my head, that I really don’t want to import any. As I’m typing this, my mind’s eye is projecting every small clip I have seen of the film on repeat. I can never see The Exorcist, it will haunt me for the rest of my days; and I’m being polite in saying that.

Dirty Dancing

It seems to me that nearly every female over 25 years of age, has seen Dirty Dancing. My wife has seen it, her friends have seen it, along with the majority of my work colleagues. As for me, I have no desire ever to see that film.

My lack of understanding of the film, reveals that the central female character is called Baby, for some reason. I have no idea why, though it could be a nickname I suppose. I do know for a fact that the line, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner,” comes from the film. This was pointed out to me by a work colleague, when I said I had never seen it.¹

As for the plot, maybe the film is named Dirty Dancing, because Patrick Swayze’s character (I have no idea about his name), and Jennifer Grey’s Baby (I did know that), have to practice their dancing in a run down hall, with bad plumbing and mud. Or their clothes are dirty, because the town’s water supply is contaminated with racism, stupidity, or some other insane thing.

I really hope it’s not called Dirty Dancing, because of some forbidden, exotic dance moves, that other people call dirty, that Baby wants to learn; but only Patrick Swayze can teach her. Please remember, I have deliberately not researched the movie, so this is just me throwing ideas around. I’ll be so disappointed if I’m actually correct.

The main reason I have not seen Dirty Dancing, is that I’m not a fan of dance movies. Now, don’t get me wrong; I love a good romance movie. Batman Returns, Bad Boys 2, The Empire Strikes Back, and Die Hard 2, are some of my favourite classic romance movies.²

However Dirty Dancing will forever be a big, fat, no thank you, for me. I guess it just doesn’t float my boat. Dirty Dancing is probably a cinematic masterpiece, but I am very proud that I have never seen it, or have any motivation to see it.

Marley & Me/A Dog’s Purpose

Even though Marley & Me and A Dog’s Purpose are two different films, I have grouped them together for the same reason: they’re films about dogs dying. I can’t handle that.

I’ve had dogs before, and I currently have one that sleeps wherever he pleases. I love dogs, so movies featuring dead dogs, is something my tiny geek heart would not handle. If I sat down and watched either film, the end result would be that I’d cry. Seriously. I can’t simply handle stories/films/songs featuring dogs that die.

My wife has seen me cry before; when the All Blacks lose, when I stub my toe, or when I look at my bank account. These moments of sadness occur often, so she is used to them; however, in her eyes, my status of being a cool husband will be shattered, when I start crying like an anti-vaxxer with no vaccine pass, because I saw a movie featuring a dying dog.

So basically, hell no; I will not be watching Marley & Me and A Dog’s Purpose. Ever. Though this raises the question; does anybody else have a list of movies that they will never watch? I would love to know your answers!

Alright, I can hear UMC1 and UMC2 talking in their fake fart language, even though they are supposed to be asleep; so I’d better go. Stay safe, thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week.

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¹ I thought it was some kind of parental advice from a film, explaining that you should, “Never put a baby in a corner.” I had no idea the baby, was an adult woman named Baby.

² Sorry, I have a thing for sequels. I’m trying to seek help for it.